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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3326
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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Hi - my partner feels it is okay to go on a holiday with his

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Hi - my partner feels it is okay to go on a holiday with his ex and their child - without me although I would like to go - I feel like I am being made the outsider and if his ex has an issue then they are the one that shouldnt go. His ex keeps insisting on them spending time together to show their child they still get on but I feel maybe it confuses their little girl - shes only two - that she will think mummy and daddy will or are back together - what do you think - am I wrong to feel these things? Elaine

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

HI Elaine. How long are you and your partner together?

Customer:

just six months

CoachJenK :

ok and is there a possibility that he is just taking his time to have you around his child until he knows things are secure there so that the child doesnt get attached or have you already spent time together?

Customer:

yes have known the little girl for over six months now we get on very well I think the world of her and she is quite attached to me - reaches to me if shes upset etc

CoachJenK :

very sweet. Ok then here are my feelings.

CoachJenK :

i think you are entitled to feel as you do and I also believe that it is confusing for the little girl.

Customer:

am really sorry I have to go can you type your answer please and I will sign in again later?

CoachJenK :

mum and Dad can still show her they get on well without having to travel as a family and leave you out of it.

CoachJenK :

yes.

CoachJenK :

I would sit with him in a calm moment between the two of you and let him know how you love him and care for him and his child and desire to go and share this time. of course you respect the boundary that they are the parents but you believe it sends a confusing message to the child. If he isn't able to see that and will not have you go then I believe him going without you will be quite painful, but may have to be something you deal with if he is unwilling to bend here.

CoachJenK :

If they have done this before you knew him then changing that pattern may take some time. Talk with him with love and desire in your heart and see if he can really open up and hear you.

Customer:

hi there - thanks - they werent really doing this before I got together with him as they parted only about 8 months ago. I didnt know if I was just being selfish/insecure/jealous! it feels bad to me when they go anywhere together to be honest - I guess I have the fear he will want to return to being with the family again - although it was his ex that ended it - he says really they were only friends before it ended for a while - not lovers and I do believe this. He says it is me he wants to be with but I get scared and worry I am ruining things by getting upset. Each night he gives her a lift to work and brings his little girl home here so they see each other four days a week anyway - which i feel is plenty of time for her to see them getting on and to exchange any info they need to. His theory is that he will always be friends with his ex and as her friend wishes to spend time together but i wonder if they are still attached really. I feel awful to admit it but I am pleased when he says they arent getting on:( There are spells when he feels very distant to me and he knows he is and says it afterwards but I find that very difficult to deal with - maybe I expect too much from him - hes only 33 and I am 48. thanks

CoachJenK :

hi let me read above

CoachJenK :

well I think since he hasnt given any reason to doubt or mistrust him lets give him some leeway here as the break up is recent as is your time together and he is probably trying to figure out how to make it all work with his child.

CoachJenK :

you are entitled to feel all that you do and you are not nutty for having those feelings. sometimes just talking them out here can help to ease things and i think that having him go on this trip and seeing how things go will be telling for all...assuming you can get through it. They are not together and he is with you and that is what you focus on.

CoachJenK :

what do you think?

CoachJenK :

If you are satisfied with our time together please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating. My goal is excellent. Thanks so very much. Come back to me anytime.

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