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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Customer Question

My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years just broke up with me. We have been together thick and thin but now. Dealt with two pregnancies and abortions together. At first he tells me that he's breaking up with me, after the shock wore off in the middle of the night and talking. I asked if there was someone else, he said yes, this extra surprised me because he never showed anything that he liked someone else. Way after the fact, we were both crying real hard on and off while holding eachother, and he still wants to be a big part of my life and never leave me. Next I got some info from a friend from a text that he slept with this girl and they've been sorta i guess dating for a little over 2 weeks or so. and she is one of our friends. she never told me anything because apparently he told her to not tell me. I am deeply hurt by this. I have never been cheated on before and he feels terrible for what he did what makes it worse is that we also live together but wont be for very long.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

i am so sorry that you are going through this pain.

CoachJenK :

hi

Customer :

hello

Customer :

It just doesn't make any sense because it's so unlike him. He 's not the cheating type. Plus, I was the first to take his virginity as well. I am so lost. I don't know how to feel. If it was a one time thing I could get it but now i guess he's dating her. He's way better than that. I've not been sleeping well and hardly have an appetite to eat for weeks. When I knew they were flirting so much, she is that kind of person but she does that with everyone.

CoachJenK :

It does seem out of character for him by what you describe and clearly she is no friend of yours.

CoachJenK :

I feel like he might just be needing to spread his wings for a bit. If you desire him to come back and work on things the best way to go would be to give him this space and let him miss the wonderful relationship he has shared with you.

Customer :

He was my best friend and when I started accusing her he said don't blaim her or get angry with her, it's me. and this has nothing to do with you. it's me.

CoachJenK :

she is not a nice person on any level.

Customer :

yeah, that's what i thought. I told him that if we ever did get back together, I'd be willing to work things out. I still do. I really thought it was a one night stand but nope of course. what's sad is that she is not very attractive, everyone in our group of friends even think so and that he could have done so much better. He has dated several women in high school but why would someone do this. I get it if he was the cheating type but he's not. now, he has someone already and i have noone.

CoachJenK :

I don't think that what he has with her will last...it seems to me that he is going through something and maybe needed to go out and experience something. Awful and not right and she seems to be egging him on a bit, but these types of things don't last.

Customer :

it really sounded like he didn't want to break up with me. he hardly ever cries and he was bawling like me. holding eachother and embracing.

CoachJenK :

The focus needs to be on you now and healing.

CoachJenK :

yes and that shows me he is going through something...

CoachJenK :

that is why I would pull back and see how it plays out and not stopping your life either.

CoachJenK :

you need to feel the pain you are in and I know that is hard.

Customer :

yes, i know. it'll be difficult and hard but i'll keep going.he also told me that really he's been wanting to break up with me since i guess our 2nd year but he's enjoyed the ride of our relationship so much that he couldn't and he never wanted to get off the ride and i guess still doesn't. I was trying real hard to hold it together when talking to him. though angry and hurt as i told him as well. i stayed calm, never raised my voice, never accused and tried to make little jokes in the meantime. so i guess i am ok but hurt.because compared to my first bf, i was in denial, yelled and was very angry. here i was joking and i guess being the adult.what also sucks is that she is still friends with our group that nearly everyweekend play games together. I dont mind being with them or him, just not her...but she will be there

Customer :

also, explained that he didn't just toss me away like most guys would. he had to think hard on how to tell me gently.

CoachJenK :

She is shameful. And if he has wanted to break up since your second year together then it is not surprising we are here. I am not thrilled that he put you through all this but clearly you are a wonderful woman and deserve more than this nonsense with either one of them.

CoachJenK :

I would let yourself feel the pain and heal and grow from this experience and not let it jade your view of other relationships and the possibilities for you.

Customer :

most of my friends, say (which is probably healthy) to tell him that i don't want to be friends again, which i know is true especially him cheating on me and kick him out the door but i cant do that.plus, i'm not like that. he also told me that he wants me to experience life and grow and if we were meant to be together later on in life, then it'll be. i say the same thing if it happens then it'll happen. when we were talking after i found out he slept with her. i told him, that he is low, and that is sad. and how he should be ashamed of himself...and he is. i think even he is stunned. and with hoping to be friends again, he said that i could and have the ok to slap him in the face because he does deserves it and he wouldn't hate me for it. i told him, that yes, i would slap him , slap him so hard and say, feel that? that's not even compared to how much you hurt me. but i said then, but i wont im better than that because i am the better person.

CoachJenK :

I think you are being quite giving now and I too suggest a stronger boundary. He cheats and leaves and then says well if it is meant to be we will be together at some point? a bit selfish and self centered.

CoachJenK :

This is your time now...focus on ly on you and not making it easy on him.

CoachJenK :

you dont have to make it hard but certainly dont have to go out of your way to make it easy either.

Customer :

so what should i do besides try to heal as fast as possible to move on? and what should i do in our social group?

CoachJenK :

and when he comes back you might be with someone who has the respect and mutuality that you deserve.

Customer :

right, no. i dont want to be walked all over. ive had that happen before. and yes

CoachJenK :

If it were me, I would not socialize with them...I would make plans wen they are not there.

CoachJenK :

Healing can't be rushed unfortunately...I wish I had a shortcut for you, but it doesn't go like that.

CoachJenK :

feel what you feel, be kind to yourself and more giving to yourself. Do the things you love and in time things will ease for you.

Customer :

well, that's kinda difficult because we all play d&d together so i'm not sure. we all hardly ever see eachother any other time and alot of them graduate soon. I already graduated so this is the only time i ever see them.

CoachJenK :

well just make sure then when you do have to see them you are focused on you and forget them.

Customer :

i am trying to talk with friends that are close to us which does help.what should i do whenever he comes back to our apartment since we share a place and it's a small studio? yes.

CoachJenK :

when is he moving out?

Customer :

don't know. our plans originally was to find a bigger place like a 1 bedroom which is what ive been looking for for over a month but we both wanted to move out of our current place anyway due to issues. so not sure.

CoachJenK :

If he is with another woman then he should not be in your home...period, end of story!

Customer :

right, well this only happened yesterday our break up. so, i'm just giving him space and me as well. it will probably be soon but not sure when.

CoachJenK :

yes so you are really just feeling it now. I would put out your needs and that he should be leaving asap.

Customer :

yes and i agree. the only other issue is that we were splitting the place rent wise and utilities and i cant afford it on my own. i dont think sharing a studio with another person is smart, if it was bigger then yes. but now, i dont know where to go. i am only 27. i dont really like roomates all that much unless maybe their friends but most of them will be leaving after graduating in august. and ive moved so much within 2 years (schooling, since the school doesnt have a dorm) due to all different issues that i dont like living under other peoples rules. i really wan to have my own place and this place i live in is cheap but there isnt enough room and i cant afford it by myself.

CoachJenK :

very hard spot. so you must sit down and talk with him so that you can chart the best course of action then.

Customer :

right, i know. i told him that we needed to talk about our current living situation n whatnot. and i for one do not want to move back into my hometown (3 1/2 hours away) and live with my folks. i want to be independent but im stuck

CoachJenK :

I feel for you. You might need to begin a search and it might not be your ideal situation but if it beats being at home with your folks you may need to compromise a bit.

CoachJenK :

you are a strong and loving woman and i know you can do this.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry for this pain and turmoil he has caused by his poor behavior and choices.

Customer :

thank you. i know when he told me and when i was in shock. i was hyperventilating. i know it'll be hard but i can do it. i just know that i'm ok minus all the pain, grieving of our relationship and how he and my friend stabbed me in the back.but i'll be fine. i know he also told me that even through this, he is still someone i can lean on and talk to even through all this...though i think it's a real nice offer but realistically we need some time apart as much as possible.

CoachJenK :

agreed. I commend your strength. and you can come here anytime to me for support.

Customer :

thanks. oh, when i can move on. and he and i are ok between eachother. what sort of things should, can or not do together if possible?

CoachJenK :

If you need any more support now, please let me know. If not please take a moment to click on the rating tab and offer a rating of my work. My goal is EXCELLENT

CoachJenK :

I think a clean break as much as possible is in order. Too early to be thinking of doing things together. This man has betrayed you.

Customer :

ok well thank you for your time.

CoachJenK :

It is my pleasure. Stay strong and come to me....I am here. I appreciate in advance your positive rating of our time together.

CoachJenK :

you okay?

CoachJenK :

Are you still here?

CoachJenK :

Ok, i will be stepping out of the chat now. I am hoping you can offer a positive rating as it is the only way I am credited for my work.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
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