Just to clarify, by NPD are you referring to Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Thanks for the extra information. Before I go further just one more question; does this behavior reflect a recent change or is it long standing?
The term 'control freak' is a slang term for which the closest related clinical term is 'a pathological need for control'.
A pathological need for control is not usually considered a feature of NPD but it is often seen in other disordered personality presentations. Perfectionism often involves an overwhelming need for control and so does antisocial personality disorder ASPD. ASPD is quite rare (especially in women) and also involves a range of other particularly unsavory traits (it's also known as Psychopathy), so we ca probably presume it isn't that.
Does she display any other perfectionistic tendencies?
Alternatively, it may not be part of a personality disorder as such but just a strong problematic personality trait. Does she by chance have a history of trauma?
We can never really know for sure why a person develops particular personality traits but even based on the limited information you have provided there one could understand how that environment (situation) when young could foster a profound need for control.
Her childhood sounds rather traumatic and we often see people who experience intense trauma develop 'hair trigger' tempers. It may be that the traits you are having difficulty with are a product of her childhood and even if they don't reflect a PD they must certainly make life's a challenge at times.
While I doubt she has ASPD I am happy to go through the specific criteria with you if you'd like?
Ok, take a look at the criteria below and then let me know which criteria you think she does or doesn't meet. We can discuss them in more detail if we think they are relevant.
Diagnostic Features: Antisocial Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by persistent disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood. Deceit and manipulation are central features of this disorder. For this diagnosis to be given, the individual must be at least 18, and must have had some symptoms of Conduct Disorder (i.e., delinquency) before age 15. This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing. Diagnostic Criteria: Three or more of the following are required:
Since these antisocial behaviors are commonly observed in children and adolescents, this disorder is only diagnosed if these antisocial behaviors persist into adulthood (i.e., if age is 18 or older). The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality requires that there was evidence of delinquency (Conduct Disorder) with onset before age 15 years. This is in contrast to the (non-DSM-IV) diagnosis of being a psychopath which does not require a prior diagnosis of Conduct Disorder. The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is not made if the occurrence of antisocial behavior occurs exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia or a Manic Episode.
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