Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your situation. It does not look good at all.
I know. I feel helpless
I dont know how to get her to see she is a bully and its ruining my relationship with her son.
What you depict here is a very abusive and manipulative woman, who does not respect your individuality, privacy, relationship. But all these issues would never happen if your boyfriend and you set boundaries and limits making it clear it is just unacceptable, it seems their relationship is deeply codependent and with a distorted attachment and that you have found yourself unable to change it.
I do not see how your relationship could improve at all unless your boyfriend comes to term with the fact that their relationship in unhealthy, so for him to start setting healthy boundaries, so taking full responsibility for his life and relationship with you as a real adult.
I tried setting boundaries with her. When I did this, she banned me from her house saying I didnt want to be involved in their family. Which isnt true. I want to marry her son, I just dont want to be pushed around for the rest of our lives. An example. Our wedding is coming up and we decided to not invite people who are not actively involved in our lives. His mother yelled at us and invited people anyways. Now we are the bad guys if we say, " No I am sorry you were not invited."
You have no control whatsoever on what she thinks, feels and does but that should not be a problem as long as you and your boyfriend, take responsibility for your lives as individuals and as a couple. Then here the tow people who need to make changes are your boyfriend and you . If you end any form of allowing abuse and manipulation from her, but if he does not do the same, it would never work. You and your boyfriends need to be together as a real mature couple, otherwise it is hopeless.
How can we or just he set more sturdy boundaries? Is there any way she will ever see she is wrong?
I do not think it is realistic for you to continue to depend on her approval and decisions, likes and dislikes to live your lives as a couple. I do only see one option here if you want to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and it is not to involve her into your relationship at all. If she changes and chooses to respect you then she would be welcome to share but only in "respectful" ad mature ways, but never allowed any form of manipulation or abuse. This is a decision you and your boyfriend need to do, otherwise it would not work. I would never recommend a person in your shes to get married before working on these serious issues and making it sure that your boyfriend is respecting, supporting and taking good and assertive care of you and your relationship. Otherwise you would end getting into a bigger and overwhelming nightmare, fueled by the severe codependency, so abuse coming from their relationship and allowed by you.
I have asked her to come to therapy. She rolls her eyes and says no. I went to therapy about this for three months. My fiance is just starting therapy but his mother is using his therapy as a chance to say that we shouldn't be together. She says that she doesnt make either one of us feel guilty and we are trying to blame her for our problems. Which we actually are happy since we moved out of state, its just when it comes to wedding related issues she talks to her son and the guilt trip occurs.
I am very sorry but this does not look good. My suggestion is for you to be %100 truthful and consistent taking good care of yourself and not allowing anybody to undermine your well-being by any form of codependent abuse or neglect. Then you need to confront your boyfriend's behaviors, codependency and lack of maturity and responsibility on setting boundaries, offering support and suggesting professional counseling for him to work on these serious problems. Then, once he makes necessary adjustments and changes and no more abuse or manipulation is allowed from mother or anybody else, then you could feel hopeful, your relationship would have the basic ground to develop with hard work as a healthy couple.
Once he starts working on himself and personal issues with counseling support, couples counseling would become beneficial for you to work on developing a healthy and mature relationship, effectively coping with any stressor and specially those related to abusive mother.
ok. Thank you very much. I really appreciate the advise and help.
I do not suggest you to expect anything better from her, I do not see that happening at all. This must be about how well you take good care of yourselves and relationship not allowing her nor anybody else to undermine it.
You're very welcome.
take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to call me as necessary for further support.
I will. Thank you again