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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1814
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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i got romantically and emotionally involved with another man

Resolved Question:

i got romantically and emotionally involved with another man a year ago while i was in my 10th year or marriage. i have now decided to move on.. and try to work on my marriage. unfortunately i didn;t realise im so emotionally involved with this other man that i am not able to connect emotionally and physically with my husband.. plse advise...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

hi.. hope you can give me some insights wat i shd do

CoachJenK :

It appears that you connected with this other man because there were things missing in your marriage and without working on those things those feelings of disconnect will still remain.

CoachJenK :

the first and most simple question is do you want your marriage or this other man?

Customer:

this other man is bad news and i wan to end it, though i mus say it has not been successful aft much attempts..

CoachJenK :

bad news in what sense? maybe it is that bit of adventure and thrill that keeps you there.

Customer:

i wan to go back to the marriage cos my husband still gives me the comfort and security i need so badly. this other man is a perpetual liar and im tired of listening to his bs..

Customer:

prob is i love this jerk so much and have been with him for a while i got myself so emptionally attached, thus it makes my feelings for my hubby drop dramatically

CoachJenK :

ok so we know what you want and now it is a matter of doing it and rebuilding the connection.

Customer:

feels like getting withdrawal symptoms from a drug now.

CoachJenK :

I think that until you fully remove yourself from bad news man it will be hard to give it your all to your husband. I think that is the first step

Customer:

i know.. but its jus like heroine its so difficult to do it.. but i have to do it for my own good

CoachJenK :

yes it is a drug because you are addicted to the high and the passion and the chaos of it.

Customer:

problems here: i shudder and push my husband away when he tries to get near me even as simple as a hug or holding my hand

CoachJenK :

I might suggest some individual counseling for you to see what goes on for you and why you are needing that form of excitement.

CoachJenK :

when you understand why that is and how this relationship is destructive it might be easier to get out and then focus on your marriage.

CoachJenK :

This will take a lot of work, but I think you sound very ready.

Customer:

i don need any excitement. i know its cos i don hav the same type of love for my husband as i have for this other man...

Customer:

i never felt the way i have for my husband in all my years of marriage like what i feel for this other guy

CoachJenK :

well then if the love isnt there for your husband and you dont believe it can come back you are saying that the marriage isn't for you?

Customer:

i stayed on in the marriage cos i enjoyed the security and comfort..

CoachJenK :

i understand and that is not uncommon.

CoachJenK :

but that stability and comfort hasn't provided you with the passion and excitement that we all desire in things.

Customer:

i wan to work on the marriage but time is not on my side.. my husband's waited for me for more than a year togo backto him but he does not understand why im not willing to move back yet and why im so repulsive physically

Customer:

i cant bring myself to tell him the truth that it's cos i need time to get over this other man

CoachJenK :

I strongly suggest counseling....I do not see another way as you are dealing with so many feelings.

CoachJenK :

yes I think that too. Reconnection is impossible unless you are totally free of this man.

Customer:

i did see one and i suggested for him to see my counsellor so that he can better understand my probs as i cant express myself to him for some reason.

CoachJenK :

did he go with you ?

Customer:

he is piss when i told him that as he thinks its not gonna work and hes disappointed i resorted to counselling only at the last hour when our divorce is finalising next month

Customer:

i went alone and was intending for him to see my counsellor separately..

Customer:

but he refuses to do it now.. he said it was the last straw today

Customer:

if i cant make up my mind wat i wan then its best for him to move on and not waste his time...

Customer:

thats wat he said...

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry this is so difficult but you can see how not giving up this man is destroying the marriage and will destroy it until you get out.

CoachJenK :

so if you truly want the marriage to work then you have some things to think about and do.

CoachJenK :

as you said time is running out and I see no other way to healing or reconnection.

Customer:

breaking up is one thing which i know i must do..

CoachJenK :

If you are just staying with your husband because of security that will not be enough to keep you there in the long run.

Customer:

but i have a serious problem.. i cant connect physically to my husband

Customer:

i don know if i ever be able to..

CoachJenK :

I hear you loud and clear...then you have a decision to make...stay because of security or leave and honor your real feelings.

CoachJenK :

I am being as direct as I can here with you.

CoachJenK :

you cant have it both ways.

Customer:

prob cos this other guy given me so many heartbreaks i jus realise now security is all that i need... i can do without physical intimacy i guess but it seems not possible for my hubby now it seems

CoachJenK :

you both deserve more

Customer:

i wan to stay in the marriage but is it possible to overcome the physicaly intimacy barrier?

Customer:

even though it seems for now allowing him to get close to me is more to satisfy the male sexuality than to satisfy my own.. as it has been the case for last 10 years

CoachJenK :

the only way I see it as a possibility is if you give up this man and you continue to work hard in therapy. I do not see another way

Customer:

ideally that is the best..however my hubby's pissed off with me and i suspect he may call it quits this time..

CoachJenK :

yes and that is the risk you ran this whole time so the only thing you can do now is to make decisions based on what you really want, do the work and hope he will stay in the marriage.

Customer:

i was supp to stay a few nites with him at our matrimonial hom but i chickened out aft one night when he tried to get intimate with him.. so i went back hom..

Customer:

shd i tell him the truth about my feelings why i am acting so strangely. that i need time to forget what happened in the past.. that i need time to forget the other

Customer:

he seems to think im delaying the patchback for some reasons which he cnat figure out

CoachJenK :

that can only be your call as you know him best. It is always best to come clean but there is the risk that he leaves. I am always for honesty in any relationship.

CoachJenK :

and he is right

CoachJenK :

it is decision time for you...you cant be half in and half out...not fair to him or the marriage.

CoachJenK :

only time will tell if you can connect physically to him.

Customer:

what shd i say to him why i cant get physical at this point in time

CoachJenK :

"I am trying to reconnect and it is taking me a bit of time and that includes the intimacy as well, but I am working toward it."

Customer:

i told him today i need time for intimacy and he cant rush me into it. he asked me why if it was cos i have someone else in my heart.. i kept silent didny know wat to say

CoachJenK :

He is suffering.

Customer:

the counsellor told me its gonna take me a while to put down the past and reconnect with my hubby emotionally and physically. but i know i don hv a right to ask that of my hubby

CoachJenK :

your counselor is correct

Customer:

so i reckon its either i play along with the intimacy though i don enjoy it or i tell him straight in the face i won be able to get intimate for a while if thats something he can live with

CoachJenK :

here is the botXXXXX XXXXXne...you need to figure out what you want and work toward it. If your husband gives up beofre then there is nothing you can do at this point to prevent that.

CoachJenK :

yes that seems so.

CoachJenK :

youve had it both ways for a while but it seems time has run out for that....so it is decision and work time for you.

Customer:

i made up my mind to leave this jerk.. i know i will be unhappy and healing from the break up.. is it wrong for me to go back to a marriage for security with no love and affection

CoachJenK :

I will never judge what is right or wrong....that comes from you as to what feels right or not.

CoachJenK :

and if that is what you want for yourself then get to work, work hard and make it happen.

Customer:

what can i do to convinve my hubby to see my counsellor?

CoachJenK :

you cant convince him you can only ask him and let him know how you feel and that is that you want to work on things and please will he reconsider coming with you as you believe it will help.

Customer:

he said hes disappointed i initiated counselling jus cos time is running out as divorce proceedings is near

CoachJenK :

But at least you have no matter when it happened and that is the good news...so focus on that.

Customer:

thanks for your time.. will ponder over wat u said

CoachJenK :

it is my pleasure.

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to click on the rating tab

CoachJenK :

my goal is excellent service

CoachJenK :

I am not credited for my work unless you offer a positive rating.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1814
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Social Worker, Professional Coach
649 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach