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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am having a hard time relating to my bf. He is extremely

Resolved Question:

I am having a hard time relating to my bf. He is extremely bright and when we have a descripency he thro;ws me for a loop... I feel llike he is testing me and I am feeling nervous and can't seem to relax. Like he flew out the door getting back to work and talked a hundred miles an hour. i just told him that I understood what he was saying about us and than he forgot his phone.. I know this cus I wanted to get a word in after he flew out the door. I know this sounds trite but he left his phone upside down and I picked it up when I was calling him and I think he left it there to see if I would look at it well... I did but not to try and open it or look thru it what so ever. What do you think? We had a fight last night and he was letting it go til I needed to talk about it and than he let me have it which I did understand what he was saying. I thought we worked it out but with the way he left and acted now I am very nervous again. Does this make any sense??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend may have some trust issues. If you feel he is testing you and leaving his phone on purpose to see if you look at it, then he is putting his trust feelings onto you. If there has not been any reason for him to mistrust you, such as you lying to him or cheating, then his issues are probably from his past.

 

People who do not trust are usually hurt either by parents who abuse them or he was hurt by someone else he was in a relationship with.

 

By continuing to argue with you and test you, he is undermining your relationship. You might want to talk with him about why he doesn't feel he can trust you. And if the issue continues, you might want to suggest he see a counselor. This issue may be beyond what you can help him with or that he can fix himself.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I think I am the one who doesn't trust him... could it be he is trying to pick a fight to end this... if I said or questioned him he would tell me I am the one who doesn't trust him... why do I feel so uncomfortable....and why does he say he works on things and that he cant give me the attention i ask for which to him seems like all the time. I ca't get him to understand what i mean... i guess he isn't ready to listen to me

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I agree, trusting him can be a big issue with how he is treating you. It is hard to tell what his motivation is with this. But if your needs are not being met, that is a sign that there is something wrong.Telling you that you are wrong and not meeting your needs may mean he is putting himself first. And that makes your relationship difficult because couples are supposed to put the other person first.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
yes he puts his music first and has a phd in engineering and it all comes first when he says he is working at it and cannot give me the attention all the time. i did aggree that i got in the way of his work and got upset when he didn't pay attention to me... he says i was competing with his musuc and that has happened before... that wasnt what I was trying to do...i agrred that i had drink too many beers and i felt bad...he did hurt me when he said he dint want to baby sit me...and later today he said i was giving the guys in the band the wrong signal cus i touched one and that he does not get jealous...
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like he has a lot of rules for you and your behavior. Although his music may be important, you should still come first. It sounds like that is not what he is doing though. If he is not willing to talk to a therapist about his expectations in a relationship or even to work on this with you and see that he might be part of the problem, then you will need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. You don't want to keep getting hurt by someone who puts themselves first.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He told me his music comes first and what he works on... that is why he doesn't listen to me... well maybe he will see what it is like not to have his needs met....at least not with me
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It does sound like a good option if he will not put you first or meet your needs in the relationship.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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