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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband is physical therapist and own a private practice.

Resolved Question:

My husband is physical therapist and own a private practice. He tells me that will meet a Psychologist for a coffee to discuss how they can work together to refer patients to each other. My response was that if it was about business he could have the meeting in the clinic and that meeting her for a coffee- that I would call a date. He got upset... And I said well I keep in mind the boundaries that you are setting so I can do the same; so next time I am invited to get coffee with a male professional to "discuss business" I will simPly accept. Please tell me: did I overreacted or this is just a sign that eventually things will get just more complicated?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It can hurt when you hear that your spouse is meeting someone of the opposite sex in a public place. Even if you trust your spouse, it can create doubts about the motivation. of the meeting. It can also bring up questions about your own acceptance of the situation i.e. are you being too easy about what is going on and will you get hurt?

If your husband has not given you any reason to doubt his fidelity with you, then this meeting may just be as he says, a business meeting. The fact that he told you may mean that he wants you to be able to trust him. There is nothing wrong with you saying that you feel uncomfortable about it though. You are right, it would be just as easy for your husband and this psychologist to meet in his office or hers. But keep in mind, the meeting will be in a public place and he did tell you about it. Both are positives in his favor.

After you let him know that the meeting does make you uncomfortable, ask him if he is willing to share what goes on. Let you husband know that you trust him but that you are concerned about the other person's motivation in this situation and that you would feel better knowing how it went.

At this point, if you have no other reason to suspect your husband will cheat, then it is ok to let this situation go. But if it does continue beyond this, asking your husband to change how the meetings are held is very reasonable.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
,Kate, thank you for helping me with this...I think I'll never feel comfortable on this kind of situations. The only way that I am able to relax is to do the same things. I avoid invitations such as this because I think it is not necessary and also I feel that in general people are vulnerable and finding the right situation can cause trouble to relationships. Can you please advise me with further details how can I deal with trusting issues and to be able to recognize when I should not trust? Also, can you advise me on how to respond more positively when I feel that Im being deceived?
Thank you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I understand. I don't think anyone is comfortable with such things. It brings up our instincts to protect what we have and to not get hurt.

Although there is no way to guarantee that you can trust, it does help to acknowledge that your trust is shaky when it comes to these situations. And do talk to your husband about it. Don't make him responsible for how you feel but rather tell him that you are normal in your response and you need to talk about this.

Remind yourself of why you do trust your husband. If he has not cheated before, then there is good reason right there. And ask him for ways that he can help you feel more comfortable about this, like communicating with you more about it.

Look for the reasons in your past that you might feel are causing you to feel as you do. Were you betrayed before? Were you abused as a child (betrayal and trust issues are big with adults abused as children)? If you find reasons why you might be more aware of trust issues, then it might help you to remind yourself that because it happened in the past does not mean it will happen this time.

If your husband is putting your needs first with this situation and cares about how you feel, then it may be a sign that he is trustworthy. But if he dismisses you and does not pay attention to your needs, it could mean that he is putting himself first in this and won't be as trustworthy. It doesn't mean he will cheat, but not putting you first is a concern. Also, if you find that he is being secretive, spending more time away than usual or your sex life suffers, it could mean he is cheating. If you feel that things are different and you suspect something, seek out therapy. It can help you sort out what is going on and get your marriage back on track.

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at
all that you rate me with three or more stars? If you're not yet satisfied,
please reply to me. Thanks!

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
,
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Sorry, I didn't get your last response.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, I know the response got lost... I wrote so much... I'll try to write less. I have not been abused nor cheated on as far as I know. My husband on the other hand was cheated on and also cheated on previous relationships.
He was very open about his past before we started to date and he said that he was not proud of but had to start a relationship that I would know everything about him... We discussed about past behaviors a lot in the beginning of the relationship...he proved to me and continues to prove that he is not that person... And that was bad phase in his life that made him sick.
Before getting married we agreed that his past wouldn't be a topic to be discussed any longer.... So now things are silent in the back of my mind and the stories come to hunt me when I feel that one step can lead to another... I need guidance! I can't talk to him anymore about all of this... But I do not know how to let go of his past even though I was not in the picture. Help!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
, Kate, I sent you my last response before I post my rate.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like you might need to bring it up with him just for this time. Let him know that you are trying to avoid it but that your thoughts are bothering you. Ask him to talk about it one time and see if you can sort it out. Or it could be that seeing a counselor can help you both cope with his past and how you feel about it and the trust issues.

You may also want to try to change your thinking about it. As you find the thoughts coming up, tell yourself that it is in the past. This is called thought changing. And it takes practice but eventually it helps. But the guidance of a counselor may be needed here because this issue is a bit deeper and needs talked about with your husband. It depends on what your husband feels about this as well as to how you address it.



Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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