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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1811
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My mother killed herself by setting herself on fire when I

Resolved Question:

My mother killed herself by setting herself on fire when I was three. I will be fifty soon. Will there ever be some kind of closure or some kind of understanding before I die?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy and how it has been with you all these years.

CoachJenK :

It is so painful for you, and i am wondering why it is not talked about in your therapy.

CoachJenK :

I imagine you have suffered greatly since and have been dealing with a myriad of emotions around it.

CoachJenK :

The difficult thing is to find closure when it is not fully understood and so the goal would be to come to a place of acceptance even if you cant fully understand it.

Customer:

I don't know. we just talk about copying skills because I was also mentally and physically abused. I seem to have bi polar and border line personality disorder along with post tramitc stress disorder

CoachJenK :

Yes and all of that makes sense...you have been through so much. but I think in addition to the coping skills fully processing the loss and grieving it even after all these years could be so beneficial for you.

Customer:

I don't know, I am very discouraged.

CoachJenK :

and yes you need coping skills as well.

CoachJenK :

discouraged because it hasnt gotten easier?

Customer:

I agree, i don[t think I was able to grieve

CoachJenK :

I can understand that and this is something that was so tragic that fully grieving it can be helpful.

CoachJenK :

A child cannot take it all in and process that kind of death while dealing with the loss of the mother.

CoachJenK :

did she abuse you before she died or someone else?

Customer:

i've been in and out of thehospital, it seems hopeless.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry it feels that for you and you have suffered so. I wish for you to feel peace and safety around this.

CoachJenK :

And yes the coping skills you are learning can help as well.

CoachJenK :

but your life is worth it and so are you. What is your support system like now?

Customer:

well, as screwed up as my life has turned out i have two kids to keep me alive. so, the answer is no, the therapy i'm getting is only on the surface.

CoachJenK :

i am thrilled you have them. Is there a way to get more in depth therapy?

CoachJenK :

There is a book that has been written and even though it is about children after a parents suicide i thikn it could be good for you as it is the child in you that needs to heal. http://www.amazon.com/After-Parents-Suicide-Helping-Children/dp/0977746801/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342477965&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=recovering+from+a+parents+suicide

Customer:

i'm on four meds. no,not really. I'm on medicaare. it only covers so much.

Customer:

I'll check it out

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry for those limitations. would you desire to listen to some self hypnosis cd's which could help calm you when you feel out of control?

CoachJenK :

I am sure you get quite overwhelmed with all of the feelings.

Customer:

I don't know, I try relaxation,

CoachJenK :

and how does that work for you.

Customer:

I'm doing pretty good right now. this time last year, I wanted to die. I broke threw it.

CoachJenK :

I am glad to hear that. If you have the desire...check out this link. His voice is so soothing and wonderful. you can hear it before you buy. http://www.stevegjones.com/overcomePTSDhypnotherapycdmp3.htm

Customer:

OK

CoachJenK :

But it is about finding what works for you. My goal is to support you.

CoachJenK :

what does closure around this look like for you?

Customer:

Why she chose to die the way she did

CoachJenK :

and how do you answer that question?

Customer:

i don't i just try to imagine her pain

CoachJenK :

yes and some empathy for what she was dealing with.

CoachJenK :

and now that empathy needs to be directed toward you as self empathy is crucial.

Customer:

it seems more of murder situation then a suiside

CoachJenK :

and very scary for you to feel that.

Customer:

i don't know what empathy is

CoachJenK :

empathy is being able to understand someone elses feelings.

Customer:

i use to want to set my dad and step mom on fire

CoachJenK :

http://www.befriendingourselves.com/Self-empathy.html

Customer:

oh,yes, i try to be her shoes,but to set yourself on fire, nobody does that

CoachJenK :

that is a link to self empathy.

CoachJenK :

you had those feelings because you were so angry.

CoachJenK :

and rightly so.

Customer:

yes, loathing and extremely angry, not so much anymore

CoachJenK :

that is good and that is part of healing but what i believed happened is that loathing and anger was turned inward.

Customer:

yes, i loath myself for many years, now i just dislike myself a lot and it effects my kids

CoachJenK :

yes and i think once you can work on that self loathing you can begin to heal.

CoachJenK :

not saying it is an easy and quick fix, but just suggesting some work that needs to be done.

Customer:

i agree, i don't even go there anymore with my therapist.

CoachJenK :

oh, I wish you would. You deserve that space for yourself to talk and grow and heal.

Customer:

it stay locked inside like a ticking bomb and last year it almost wnet off.

Customer:

i'll try to bring it up again

CoachJenK :

as you know I like to offer links as resources so you can do some stuff on your own when we are done, so please look at this book as well. http://www.amazon.com/Compassion-Self-Hate-Alternative-Despair/dp/0684841991/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342479516&sr=1-1&keywords=overcoming+self+loathing

CoachJenK :

yes and you said it perfectly...the more it stays locked in the worse you feel, and then it explodes.

Customer:

I'll dedinately check out the sites.

CoachJenK :

wonderful.

CoachJenK :

I wish for you to be able to let it all out...you are trapped with all of your feelings.

Customer:

my confusion is why none ofn this is addressed, the abuse, or anything from my childhood....why

CoachJenK :

with your therapist?

Customer:

i know it happened many years ago, I have blocked most of it out,

Customer:

yes, with my therapist

Customer:

medicate me and group....please

CoachJenK :

doesnt matter how long ago it was...you are suffering and that is what needs to be addressed. And you are suffering because it hasnt been addressed.

CoachJenK :

you need to take charge of your care and ask these direct questions and let them know you desire to do this work.

Customer:

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, my kids deserve better

CoachJenK :

and so do you!!!!!!

CoachJenK :

I am happy you have reached out here.

CoachJenK :

that shows me you are ready and wanting things to be better.

CoachJenK :

advocate for yourself and your care.

Customer:

i want to laugh and cry at the momnet and i don't know why

CoachJenK :

that is a release of emotion and something you havent been able to do!

Customer:

have you ever heard of someone burning themself when commiting suiside

Customer:

just wondering

CoachJenK :

no i haven't.

CoachJenK :

and I think it is in the manner in which she killed herself that is so troubling for you and something that is so hard to reconcile.

Customer:

thanks for listening. I have to go to bed now

CoachJenK :

ok. I am here when you need. Please take a moment to click on the rating tab.

CoachJenK :

my goal is excellent and I hope your rating will reflect that. I am not credited for my work.

CoachJenK :

Once you do that you will receive an email of this transcript so you will have the links above.

CoachJenK :

I am not credited for my work unless I receive a positive rating. Sorry for the typo.

Customer:

thank you again,

CoachJenK :

my pleasure.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1811
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Social Worker, Professional Coach
648 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach