Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy and how it has been with you all these years.
It is so painful for you, and i am wondering why it is not talked about in your therapy.
I imagine you have suffered greatly since and have been dealing with a myriad of emotions around it.
The difficult thing is to find closure when it is not fully understood and so the goal would be to come to a place of acceptance even if you cant fully understand it.
I don't know. we just talk about copying skills because I was also mentally and physically abused. I seem to have bi polar and border line personality disorder along with post tramitc stress disorder
Yes and all of that makes sense...you have been through so much. but I think in addition to the coping skills fully processing the loss and grieving it even after all these years could be so beneficial for you.
I don't know, I am very discouraged.
and yes you need coping skills as well.
discouraged because it hasnt gotten easier?
I agree, i don[t think I was able to grieve
I can understand that and this is something that was so tragic that fully grieving it can be helpful.
A child cannot take it all in and process that kind of death while dealing with the loss of the mother.
did she abuse you before she died or someone else?
i've been in and out of thehospital, it seems hopeless.
I am so sorry it feels that for you and you have suffered so. I wish for you to feel peace and safety around this.
And yes the coping skills you are learning can help as well.
but your life is worth it and so are you. What is your support system like now?
well, as screwed up as my life has turned out i have two kids to keep me alive. so, the answer is no, the therapy i'm getting is only on the surface.
i am thrilled you have them. Is there a way to get more in depth therapy?
There is a book that has been written and even though it is about children after a parents suicide i thikn it could be good for you as it is the child in you that needs to heal. http://www.amazon.com/After-Parents-Suicide-Helping-Children/dp/0977746801/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342477965&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=recovering+from+a+parents+suicide
i'm on four meds. no,not really. I'm on medicaare. it only covers so much.
I'll check it out
I am so sorry for those limitations. would you desire to listen to some self hypnosis cd's which could help calm you when you feel out of control?
I am sure you get quite overwhelmed with all of the feelings.
I don't know, I try relaxation,
and how does that work for you.
I'm doing pretty good right now. this time last year, I wanted to die. I broke threw it.
I am glad to hear that. If you have the desire...check out this link. His voice is so soothing and wonderful. you can hear it before you buy. http://www.stevegjones.com/overcomePTSDhypnotherapycdmp3.htm
But it is about finding what works for you. My goal is to support you.
what does closure around this look like for you?
Why she chose to die the way she did
and how do you answer that question?
i don't i just try to imagine her pain
yes and some empathy for what she was dealing with.
and now that empathy needs to be directed toward you as self empathy is crucial.
it seems more of murder situation then a suiside
and very scary for you to feel that.
i don't know what empathy is
empathy is being able to understand someone elses feelings.
i use to want to set my dad and step mom on fire
oh,yes, i try to be her shoes,but to set yourself on fire, nobody does that
that is a link to self empathy.
you had those feelings because you were so angry.
and rightly so.
yes, loathing and extremely angry, not so much anymore
that is good and that is part of healing but what i believed happened is that loathing and anger was turned inward.
yes, i loath myself for many years, now i just dislike myself a lot and it effects my kids
yes and i think once you can work on that self loathing you can begin to heal.
not saying it is an easy and quick fix, but just suggesting some work that needs to be done.
i agree, i don't even go there anymore with my therapist.
oh, I wish you would. You deserve that space for yourself to talk and grow and heal.
it stay locked inside like a ticking bomb and last year it almost wnet off.
i'll try to bring it up again
as you know I like to offer links as resources so you can do some stuff on your own when we are done, so please look at this book as well. http://www.amazon.com/Compassion-Self-Hate-Alternative-Despair/dp/0684841991/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342479516&sr=1-1&keywords=overcoming+self+loathing
yes and you said it perfectly...the more it stays locked in the worse you feel, and then it explodes.
I'll dedinately check out the sites.
I wish for you to be able to let it all out...you are trapped with all of your feelings.
my confusion is why none ofn this is addressed, the abuse, or anything from my childhood....why
with your therapist?
i know it happened many years ago, I have blocked most of it out,
yes, with my therapist
medicate me and group....please
doesnt matter how long ago it was...you are suffering and that is what needs to be addressed. And you are suffering because it hasnt been addressed.
you need to take charge of your care and ask these direct questions and let them know you desire to do this work.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, my kids deserve better
and so do you!!!!!!
I am happy you have reached out here.
that shows me you are ready and wanting things to be better.
advocate for yourself and your care.
i want to laugh and cry at the momnet and i don't know why
that is a release of emotion and something you havent been able to do!
have you ever heard of someone burning themself when commiting suiside
no i haven't.
and I think it is in the manner in which she killed herself that is so troubling for you and something that is so hard to reconcile.
thanks for listening. I have to go to bed now
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thank you again,