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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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About four years ago, my husband took a job in a city three

Customer Question

About four years ago, my husband took a job in a city three hours from our home and commuted back and forth every weekend. My son and daughter were in high school, and we had no family here, however, he refused to move us down. Not matter how many times I asked him, he said he was not having an affair--he said he was a saint. Last December, I found out that my husband of 23 years, who is known to all friends and family as being more honenst than Abraham Lincoln, that he had been in a secretative sexual relationship for eight months, during which time he spoke to his paramour on an average of 60 times a months. I have the phone bills. He called home to talk to my teenage daughter and me, and she was sitting right there in the room al the time. Shameful! He came home every weekend after being on the phone with her for three hours and kissed my daughter and I and acted like all was well. Then he talked to her on the phone the entire way back. He says there were no strings attached; he only used her for sex. However, he defends her everytime I mention her or question him about her. This women had three children out of wedlock and was a very unethical, uneducated, financially unstable person who never provided a stable family unit for her children. She had lived 19 placeds in 22 years and had 8 phone numbers in the 2.5 years my husband knew her. He flirted with her for a year before sleeping with her, and he called her for a years and a half after she moved out of state.

I have asked my husband to go to counseling and to do everything possible to help me heal, since he has indicated that he loves me and wants to stay married. However, he gets meaner and more abusive as time goes by. I recently found out that he had initiated another relationship with someone else before the other lady left town, so this wasn't a one time occurrence.

I was fairly happy in our marriage until he turned 50, went on Zolfoft, and experienced significant career disappointments. That and my children and finances are the other reasons I haven't filed for divorce yet. I am afraid, because I have no family support or a large circle of friends. I should mention that the women he got involved with was a bizarre choice for him. His has an Ivy League education and a law degree, and he has always been careful and risk adverse. This women worked with him, and when she quit, he helped her attempt to get wages from his employer, an act I find unethically. He was the former head of the ethics committee for his old job, where he had been for 25 years, so I find this behavior to be out of character at best. Please give me any advice you can. I also need to know whether I should tell my college aged children why I have been so upset.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry to hear of all that you have been through with your husband and the lack of respect and regard he has shown you by his behavior.

CoachJenK :

he sounds a bit narcissistic to me without much regard for others.

CoachJenK :

I hope you are with me and not having any tech issues in the chat...that can happen, but just know that I am here.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

I just received a bad rating of my work...can you let me know why?

CoachJenK :

we hadn't even started yet.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I switched to Q and A mode as there appears to be some difficulty in the chat, but not sure why you would offer a bad rating of my work. Please let me know so we can continue.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I was not getting any further answers from you, and it said you were offline
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I am online and was waiting for your responses...did you write anything as nothing came through. sometimes there can be some issues in the chat.

But lets continue so you can feel supported and satisfied. There is a wonderful book that may help you cope with all of this and help to understand his behavior. While I can't diagnose on here, i can give some thoughts. http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342471169&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist

In terms of sharing with with the kids, I might suggest holding off on that and maintaining that boundary. I am sorry that you feel trapped in a way that you can't get out because of finances. I think the kids are old enough to be able to handle it. Yes they will have feelings about it, but it can be worked through.

In the meantime, you have focused so much of your energy on him and less on you. you deserve that care and time now to figure out what will work for you. I agree with you that counseling is absolutely necessary and if he won't go that speaks volumes about his true willingness to make this marriage work. I don't believe things will change unless there is some professional help.

That support will be great for you as well. you have been betrayed and that takes a long time to heal and can only happen if it is all worked through and there is an understanding of why and how to move forward.

Let me know your thoughts.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Does this sound like something is wrong with him or is he just a pathological liar? Life is short, and I don't want to waste time, if statistics show that couples can not get over adultery. Do you know of any marriage counselors in the Tampa Bay area?
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
He sounds like a man that has some issues and a lack of regard for you and your relationship. Couples can get over adultery IF both people are willing to do the work, and it sounds in this case that he is not willing to do that. I am hoping that he will be open to it.

I would like to help you locate someone to see. Can you provide your zip code so I can help you?

So, if you want to work on things and feel you can move past this betrayal then there is a chance from your end. If he is willing to do the hard work then you have a chance. Here is a link with many statistics on it. http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm
64% remain married after an affair.

So please provide your zip code so I can help you locate someone.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you, and the zipcode is 33558.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Here is one in your area. www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm

And another one. http://www.themarriageandfamilyexpert.com/

Let me know how else I can support you. I am here when you need me. Stay strong and focus on you too.

Thank you for the positive rating.

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