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While she is well educated and intelligent, she refuses to admit that the blanket recommendations and warnings for xanax and ativan are impacting her thoughts and ability to get better.
I have read up on being supportive and trying other activities at night, after the kids go to bed, but she says she's fine to do things when she's not going through bad times. But the fact that she seems to be having bad days 6 out of 7 days a week makes it impossible to suggest "distractions".
I also feel like her education in psychology and her years of experience as a behaviorial therapist (mostely CBT) makes it impossible to get her to consider alternate courses of therapy.
Accuses me of making this whole thing about me instead of empathizing with her.
Makes observations that she can see why people would attempt suicide, but in the same breath tells me she would never do that, mostly because of our two little girls.
She's a stay at home mom. She says she only wants me to help with the kids and household when she's going through her bad times. However, we spend hours on the back porch at night talking out her massive childhood problems.
So we come to conclusions in conversation about how things aren't her fault, through logical analysis, etc. Then the depression kicks in again a week later, addled by alcohol almost every night, and she's right back to erasing every conclusion or affirmation that we reached before. It's like hitting a giant reset button on any progress, over and over again.
The frustrating part - knowing that I am married to a woman who has an IQ of 145 and a Master's degree who can put on a smile by day, flip a switch at night and become the most negative person I've ever met. Top that off with having hours upon hours of conversation where she can vent and talk and have her admit verbally that she is not to blame for her childhood and that her anxieties about her daughters are more fear based then rational.... only to have that blown away in one night of heavy drinking.
And then, when I try to suggest that the alcohol is in no way helping long term, have her become defensive and acuse me of being self-focused.
I literally don't want her to die in her sleep.
And when I admit that I'm having hard time being supportive and knowing what to say and do, that I might need to get some support on my own, she gets mad "sure because this is all about you!"
She swears that she did this for years before we met and that it's not a problem.
I'm going to have to. Even sitting here talking to you has been re-energizing. She swears she was forward about her depression when we met, but I had no idea! This was about four years ago. Quick relationship - she had a kid from a previous (abusive) marriage and we decided to both settle down for the sake of stability for her kid. We had a second one together who will be 3 in September. I swear if it weren't for our two girls growing up having her as a single mother, I'd have left her already. I love her, but it feels like (and I know it is the depression to blame) that she doesn't want to get better.
Our girls aren't directly affected, although they both have anxiety issues (both tested high IQ) and I wonder if it is possible they are getting a vibe off their mother, despite her doing her best to hide it all from them.
Then she wears the guilt, on top of everything else, that she is a horrible mother and has affected them. When Adele was an infant, we thought Cassie was going through postpartem, but realized after the fact that she was just unmedicated and suffering a major bout. Adele was definitely collicky. I spent hours at night rocking her back to sleep because her mom was at her wits' end.
She breastfeed her to about 18 months or so. Then gave it up slowly and went back on meds. Things have been a roller coaster ever since.
I wonder if it would be better to file for divorce and pursue custody of the kids. I know you can't make that recommendation, but I really don't want to have this affect me as a parent and ultimately spend the next 20 years trying to shield our daughters.
I literally had no idea what I was getting in to with her depression. She is going this week to have her meds reviewed again. I plan on going, but I really just want to tell the doctor that it doesn't seem to help when Cassie drinks upwards of a bottle of wine every night.
For better or for worse. If I managed to decide that it was better for my girls and I to leave, it would probably destroy her.
And, while this sounds sexist, we live in an area where the courts will largely side with the mother in custody issues, unless she's a drug addict or incarcerated.
In person. I think I've worn out my $22 with you!
I'm going to have to do the therapy thing, maybe group therapy.
Thanks again for all your comments and observations. The only therapist I've been exposed to in the past 4 years is the one I'm married to!
I will rate you for excellent service. This has been encouraging, thanks for your time. I have to get going!