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Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am sorry to hear of how alone you feel in this marriage.
Clearly there are deep issues that he has dealt with his whole life and affection was not shown to him and he does not know how to show it now. He had to close that part off of himself when he was young in order to survive....meaning that it was self protective.
I, like you, believe he would benefit from counseling and marriage counseling, I am just not sure he believes he needs to and that is the difficult part.
But I believe that if in a quiet moment you can express to him how alone you feel in the marriage and how you love and care for him and want this to improve the marriage he may be open to it.
I would stay away from diagnosisng him and focus more on how you feel and what you desire.
Oh thank you, XXXXX XXXXX the delay! My Amex is awesome and annoying simultaneously I guess. They do checks!
I have tried that route, but, clearly, there is something bothering him. If it is me, I would like to know it!
when you ask him what does he say and what did he say when you have tried that route?
Jen? He never tells me anything, but he has gotten more aggressive in the last few years. I love him. If he is unhappy, I am ready to do whatever makes him happy, including leave. I feel like he is agonizing inside, and I feel helpless.
It is awful to live this way. And you cannot do it alone and he needs to understand that you will make a move if he doesnt share what he needs and wants.
I hear how you love him but it must come back to you in some way for this to be a functioning and healthy relationship
Are you here with me?
He has never been the emotional person. I want to bring that out. When I found that article of narcissism, he cried! I havent seen him cry since his Uncle committed suicide in 08. They were close. I was eerily happy to see him cry. He needs more of that!
This fits him to even splitting hairs in half. I do know his parents ARE still together. His father I love. His mom has grown on me. He also doesnt want anyone at our house bc it might be small and he is embarassed. My parents have so much money, and you know, Jen, I am happy in my 1320 ft sq ft house. He has come so far. He was a stellar track athlete, and got all As in HS, on his own. He moved in with his moms half sister who is my age at 15 and workd so damn hard. But, he never had some kind of bond. I just want him to break down!
Yes, my replies willn't go through, I am http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_some_people_blame_others_and_claim_to_be_victims
Ok sometimes the chat has some tech issues. I am here.
I hear all that you want for him and rightly so because you love him. But, what does he want for himself? does he want to feel differently? That is what will motivate him to get to therapy.
I am always to blame! Is it really me? He was my coach when I got pregnant. The night I went into labor, he was supposed to be by my side. He slept and I went through it from 11 pm to 6 am myself. Horrible!
Coukd be my lamo netbook. I am not into too much tech. If you ask me, The 80s and Atari Pitfall still rock :) I am just happy to be here!
Yes he is in his own sphere and you can see it and feel it clearly and again it comes down to his level of discomfort....does he want things to be different? That is what it comes down to.
Here is a wonderful book for you. http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342452725&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist
Do you think I should leave? BotXXXXX XXXXXne, is this toxic? He is so angry underneath. I can tell. If he would open up, it would be such a release. I just want him to open up. And be human. If he leaves, fine, but he needs happiness. Yesterday we entered into the realm of physicality, and that was uncouth. Both of us. I defended myself, but, I also fed into it, and I am just as much at fault. What does he hate so much? And why is he unable to say it? My email is XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX bc I think you must have so ,many more people to help! It isnt a rush! I also so not want to get you in trouble. But, I am willing to do everything legally\. TY Jen for listening.
Laurel, I am unable to work with you off the site...that is part of the rules here.
Do I think you should leave? Only you can answer that, but if things are escalating to the point of violence then something needs to be done. You might try a trial separation to see how you both feel but without couseling things will not improve.
you deserve to be happy as well and all you keep saying is about his happiness.
you are worth it too.
Jen (am i to call you jen? or dr?)
Yes, it was tsunami of our chat!
TY! I am sorry!
I love the site you gave me. It is not about me complaining. I want to know where I went wrong as well. I am no pawn. I bitch and moan bc I am lonely. I do try to think of his feelings, but he seems to have none. And then I think of myself. I love him. I want him to just be happy. But, as I told him, "you can leave, but you cannot hide." Eventually, the next person is going to sponge your misery. You will never change. It's okay to cry or yell, or whatever, just get an emotion out!
I see how you have insight into your piece of things...who wouldnt feel lonely in this?
No need to apologize about anything here.
Here is a great book as well on trial separations. http://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Go-Controlled-Separation/dp/0809225131/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342453278&sr=1-2&keywords=trial+separation
this may force him to look at his stuff and want to get help...giving each other the space can be quite helpful.
Let me know how else I can support you.
I hope there arent issues in the chat again. If you dont need any more support at this time please take a moment to offer a rating. my goal has been to give you EXCELLENT support and i hope your rating will reflect that. I am here anytime you need.
What can I I I do to make him just get the "Led" out! He is hiding something. When he was 13, his mom (has never driven) made him follow his dad on his bike bc she thought he was cheating. Imagine asking that of a 12-13 year old. His dad may have been, but that stuck with him. You are completely right! He never had much affection. He was loved in a way, but never LOVED. His sister overly loved her kids. His brother pretty much, but not Eddie. I just want him to be happy. I dont care what it takes. I never knew unhappiness until I got sick. I have been sick for years. And I would like to rectify this bc I have my health to think of. Come to think of it, he resents me for that, too. I feel like an extra appendage in his life. In the end, he needs to face his parents and just say what he feels quickly. I know that is wrong, but it is warranted and needed. Maybe he can do it in a different way. He never says sorry, he just cannot say sorry. So, I do, then he says okay me too. What is this?
I replied with poor bc of the connection. The expertise was spot on. Id like to complain to the company, esp if you get a less than stellar rating. I had more that I had written, but thank you.