How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

17 years, 11 married. he works so hard. we have a 16 year old.

Resolved Question:

17 years, 11 married. he works so hard. we have a 16 year old. but unhappy. i am a huggy person, very affectionate. he is very stoic. not ever asking me to go out or do anything. i am 41, he is 37. his parents were teens when he was born. he never talks about anything, but in 17 yearsw i was able to surmise that they did things wrong. i only know bc i heard that his younger siblings, brother and sister talked about it. it was the only thing he divulged. he said that one time his sister asked their mom for a hug, and she said, "get away from me before i hit you." i know they are not like that now, but the family is very detached in many ways. his father is bipolar and his mom is as well, but willn't treatment. i am sad that this has been put on me. or maybe i feel like it has. maybe it is me. i would like affection of any kind. i have been ready to leave since the first year, but, i love him, and i feel like i dont want to be another statistic in the world of divorces. is there any way of getting him to open up and just love. he has never said he loves justin. but, justin is so loves, and huggy like me, that i instilled that in him. i wish i knew what was going on in his head. i googled it and found the narcissistic thing, and that fits him to a tee! but he doesnt want to hear what i say. i know he needs a good cry, and def counseling. i am up for it, but if i go, it will help me, and he wont get the closure he needs. i do love him, but i am ready to walk. please help! Thank you in advance.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of how alone you feel in this marriage.

CoachJenK :

Clearly there are deep issues that he has dealt with his whole life and affection was not shown to him and he does not know how to show it now. He had to close that part off of himself when he was young in order to survive....meaning that it was self protective.

CoachJenK :

I, like you, believe he would benefit from counseling and marriage counseling, I am just not sure he believes he needs to and that is the difficult part.

CoachJenK :

But I believe that if in a quiet moment you can express to him how alone you feel in the marriage and how you love and care for him and want this to improve the marriage he may be open to it.

CoachJenK :

I would stay away from diagnosisng him and focus more on how you feel and what you desire.

CoachJenK :

hi

Customer:

Oh thank you, XXXXX XXXXX the delay! My Amex is awesome and annoying simultaneously I guess. They do checks!


 

CoachJenK :

no worries

Customer:

I have tried that route, but, clearly, there is something bothering him. If it is me, I would like to know it!


 

CoachJenK :

when you ask him what does he say and what did he say when you have tried that route?

Customer:

Jen? He never tells me anything, but he has gotten more aggressive in the last few years. I love him. If he is unhappy, I am ready to do whatever makes him happy, including leave. I feel like he is agonizing inside, and I feel helpless.

CoachJenK :

It is awful to live this way. And you cannot do it alone and he needs to understand that you will make a move if he doesnt share what he needs and wants.

CoachJenK :

I hear how you love him but it must come back to you in some way for this to be a functioning and healthy relationship

CoachJenK :

Are you here with me?

Customer:

He has never been the emotional person. I want to bring that out. When I found that article of narcissism, he cried! I havent seen him cry since his Uncle committed suicide in 08. They were close. I was eerily happy to see him cry. He needs more of that!


This fits him to even splitting hairs in half. I do know his parents ARE still together. His father I love. His mom has grown on me. He also doesnt want anyone at our house bc it might be small and he is embarassed. My parents have so much money, and you know, Jen, I am happy in my 1320 ft sq ft house. He has come so far. He was a stellar track athlete, and got all As in HS, on his own. He moved in with his moms half sister who is my age at 15 and workd so damn hard. But, he never had some kind of bond. I just want him to break down!

CoachJenK :

Ok sometimes the chat has some tech issues. I am here.

CoachJenK :

I hear all that you want for him and rightly so because you love him. But, what does he want for himself? does he want to feel differently? That is what will motivate him to get to therapy.

Customer:

I am always to blame! Is it really me? He was my coach when I got pregnant. The night I went into labor, he was supposed to be by my side. He slept and I went through it from 11 pm to 6 am myself. Horrible!


Coukd be my lamo netbook. I am not into too much tech. If you ask me, The 80s and Atari Pitfall still rock :) I am just happy to be here!

CoachJenK :

Loved Atari.

CoachJenK :

Yes he is in his own sphere and you can see it and feel it clearly and again it comes down to his level of discomfort....does he want things to be different? That is what it comes down to.

CoachJenK :

Here is a wonderful book for you. http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342452725&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist

Customer:

Do you think I should leave? BotXXXXX XXXXXne, is this toxic? He is so angry underneath. I can tell. If he would open up, it would be such a release. I just want him to open up. And be human. If he leaves, fine, but he needs happiness. Yesterday we entered into the realm of physicality, and that was uncouth. Both of us. I defended myself, but, I also fed into it, and I am just as much at fault. What does he hate so much? And why is he unable to say it? My email is XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX bc I think you must have so ,many more people to help! It isnt a rush! I also so not want to get you in trouble. But, I am willing to do everything legally\. TY Jen for listening.


Blessings


Laurel

CoachJenK :

Laurel, I am unable to work with you off the site...that is part of the rules here.

CoachJenK :

Do I think you should leave? Only you can answer that, but if things are escalating to the point of violence then something needs to be done. You might try a trial separation to see how you both feel but without couseling things will not improve.

CoachJenK :

you deserve to be happy as well and all you keep saying is about his happiness.

CoachJenK :

you are worth it too.

Customer:

Jen (am i to call you jen? or dr?)


Yes, it was tsunami of our chat!


TY! I am sorry!


I love the site you gave me. It is not about me complaining. I want to know where I went wrong as well. I am no pawn. I bitch and moan bc I am lonely. I do try to think of his feelings, but he seems to have none. And then I think of myself. I love him. I want him to just be happy. But, as I told him, "you can leave, but you cannot hide." Eventually, the next person is going to sponge your misery. You will never change. It's okay to cry or yell, or whatever, just get an emotion out!

CoachJenK :

I see how you have insight into your piece of things...who wouldnt feel lonely in this?

CoachJenK :

No need to apologize about anything here.

CoachJenK :

Here is a great book as well on trial separations. http://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Go-Controlled-Separation/dp/0809225131/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342453278&sr=1-2&keywords=trial+separation

CoachJenK :

this may force him to look at his stuff and want to get help...giving each other the space can be quite helpful.

CoachJenK :

Let me know how else I can support you.

CoachJenK :

I hope there arent issues in the chat again. If you dont need any more support at this time please take a moment to offer a rating. my goal has been to give you EXCELLENT support and i hope your rating will reflect that. I am here anytime you need.

Customer:

What can I I I do to make him just get the "Led" out! He is hiding something. When he was 13, his mom (has never driven) made him follow his dad on his bike bc she thought he was cheating. Imagine asking that of a 12-13 year old. His dad may have been, but that stuck with him. You are completely right! He never had much affection. He was loved in a way, but never LOVED. His sister overly loved her kids. His brother pretty much, but not Eddie. I just want him to be happy. I dont care what it takes. I never knew unhappiness until I got sick. I have been sick for years. And I would like to rectify this bc I have my health to think of. Come to think of it, he resents me for that, too. I feel like an extra appendage in his life. In the end, he needs to face his parents and just say what he feels quickly. I know that is wrong, but it is warranted and needed. Maybe he can do it in a different way. He never says sorry, he just cannot say sorry. So, I do, then he says okay me too. What is this?


I replied with poor bc of the connection. The expertise was spot on. Id like to complain to the company, esp if you get a less than stellar rating. I had more that I had written, but thank you.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
I switched to Q and A mode to avoid the tech issues in the chat. I am still here and can communicate this way as well.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.
Any bad rating you offer is not about the connection or the company it is a direct rating of my work only. that can be fixed when you offer a positive rating and hopefully you will do that now.

I know you want all these things for him as you can see how he will benefit, but if he does not want those same things you can bang your head on the wall and still nothing will happen. He needs to want and see it for himself. I know you get that. I know how you love him, but we need you to focus and care for you.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions