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Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience:  PsyD Psychologist
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can an emotional & verbal abuser be cured?

Resolved Question:

can an emotional & verbal abuser be cured?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for writing in JustAnswer.
Let me ask you a few questions first.
Does he have trauma in the past?
Does he suffer from anxiety and depression?
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Please let me know by clicking on “Reply” and I will then craft my response.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Warm Regards,
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

his trauma was his father leaving his mother when he was a young child. he basically raised himself.mother remarried again to an abusive husband of which he witnessed the abuse. yes he does suffer from anxiety has gotten better but still takes xanax as neede. in my opinion his mood shifts constantly in & out of depression. we have seen the therapist that was working with our children due to their difficult behaviors, but we wound up arguing in her office about who was right or wrong.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
current doctor offline
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
Your husband's verbal and emotional abuse has to do with his childhood trauma and possible mood disorder.
I wonder if he has ever received individual treatment for his condition.
It sounds like taking the anti anxiety medication has not been helpful to his behavior.
Is he open to counseling/psychotherapy for himself?
He seems to have anxiety and mood swings based on your report.
People with anxiety and depression exhibit anger problems.

I would advise him to see a psychotherapist to express and process his feelings and thoughts and get advice and support WEEKLY. A combination of psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy are considered to be effective to treat Depression and anxiety. Cognitive-behvaior therapy (CBT) will work for his depression and anxiety.

He may ask his doctor for a psychologist/psychotherapist that he can work with weekly. Or he may call his insurance company and get a list of providers (licensed psychologists or psychotherapists) in your area.
Or, you can search a licensed psychologist on internet- such as the PSYCHOLOGY TODAY website. Go to (http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ppc/prof_search.php?iorb=4764) and enter your zip code and optional category of specialty such as Depression and anxiety. Read psychotherapists’ profile to see if he or she specializes in Cognitive-behavior therapy and Depression or anxiety. You may also want to create your mental image of psychotherapist that he wants to work with – Male or female? To note, many therapists offer initial consultation for free. So he can see it as an informational meeting. He can ask any question and negotiate psychotherapy fee.

If he has no health insurance or seek a low fee counseling, he may call The United Way toll free # XXXXX (Dial 2-1-1)to find the community mental health centers in your area in which he can get counseling even without health insurance.

Regarding pharmacological treatment for depression and anxiety, a number of antidepressant medications are available to treat depression and anxiety.
Finding the right medication for him will likely take some trial and error. It is necessary for his and his doctor to work together to find the right medication for him.

Also, a heart-healthy diet like Omega 3 fatty acid may improve his brain functioning and mood. Focus on fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Choose low-fat protein sources, such as fish, lean meat and skinless poultry. Hydrate self during daytime.

Physical activity increases blood flow to his whole body, including your brain. This may help improve his mood.

I hope your husband gets well with all available help.

Please let me know if you have more questions or I have overlooked any. Warm regards,


Customer: replied 2 years ago.

he is willing for us to see somene together, first he says im the crazy one. because i cry & get hysterical from his abuses towards me. i just find it so difficult to cope with the difficulties he presents in our life. this has been going on for so many years but now that we have an 8yr old & 7yr old. they are at an age where they are suffering from this aswell. i feel very alone confused embarassed. i cant identify who i am anymore.on the days hes ok. im more or less ok. but when his mood shifts or hes had alcohol he becomes angry almost monster like it scares me & hurts me very badly emotionally so i cry & scream for help. 18yrs is a long timein a marriage very scared to be on my own but feel so hopeless & breathless at the same time.

Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I can imagine how sad, anxious and stressful you must have felt about this situation.
You have dealt with his emotional and behavior problems - abusive behavior for many years.
Not surprisingly, you also may have developed signs of depression and anxiety due to his behavior. I'm worried about your children as well.
It sounds like he becomes very angry when he drinks alcohol.
His behavior is indicative of mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder.
He also doesn't take responsibility for his behavior; instead he blames you for this. He must be in denial of his problems.
His behavior is not acceptable to you or anyone.
If he is willing to see someone, you and he may see a marriage counselor. It's a good idea. Hopefully, a marriage counselor may help him to look at his abusive behavior and change his behavior.
If he doesn't change his abusive behavior, you may need to consider separation for the sake of yourself and your children. First, you may start seeing a counselor for yourself until you decide to take action to deal with him or his illness.
Please let me know if you have more questions or I have overlooked any. Best regards,
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i just replied a response but i dont see it. can it have timed out & gotten deleted? i pressed reply.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
I sent the following message a few minutes ago.
------------
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I can imagine how sad, anxious and stressful you must have felt about this situation.
You have dealt with his emotional and behavior problems - abusive behavior for many years.
Not surprisingly, you also may have developed signs of depression and anxiety due to his behavior. I'm worried about your children as well.
It sounds like he becomes very angry when he drinks alcohol.
His behavior is indicative of mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder.
He also doesn't take responsibility for his behavior; instead he blames you for this. He must be in denial of his problems.
His behavior is not acceptable to you or anyone.
If he is willing to see someone, you and he may see a marriage counselor. It's a good idea. Hopefully, a marriage counselor may help him to look at his abusive behavior and change his behavior.
If he doesn't change his abusive behavior, you may need to consider separation for the sake of yourself and your children. First, you may start seeing a counselor for yourself until you decide to take action to deal with him or his illness.
Please let me know if you have more questions or I have overlooked any. Best regards,
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
if i consider separation i have nowhere to go we are 3 he is 1. he leaves for 2 days & then comes back & says the hotel is too expensive. when he is in the house its very chaotic kids want his attention but he doesnt have strength or patience for them but yet when i get involved with them he becomes angy & says im not doing them right & yells at me in fron of them. getting them ready in the mornings is tough they dont always listen. hes still in bed but still manages to scream at me for something or other that im not doing right. for exmple my son wet his bed the night before. he woke up late for camp. there was 20mts left to make it for the bus pick up. my husband jumped out of bed screaming at me in front of our son what kind of mother are you he needs a shower. i sad he showered last night i will use baby wipes there is not enough time for shower, dressing, bkfst. not only was there only 20mts left but my son takes very long & doesnt cooperate with my instructions. not only is he screaming about the shower, but hes screaming that im rushing the kid & making him nervous. this is all after we went to a party the night before & i gave him an affectionate hug in the morning. he behaves like this towards me. then asks people whos right & whos wrong about the shower. i feel there is no right or wrong. just the way he handled was terrily wrong. he shocks me all the time i never know how he will react to situations.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I'll be back with my answer tomorrow.
If you need an answer now, please opt me out and wait for another expert online.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i will wait for your answer tomorrow are you on eastern time? what time should i check back for you?
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I'll be back with my answer today - 10PM in ET.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ok thank you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

will i have your response tonight?

Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Yes, I'll be back with my answer in a few minutes.
Thank you for patience.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for waiting. I had to be away from JA all day due to family errands.
Anyway, I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your children have gone through.
I understand you feel stuck with a current family situation.
Like many family with similar problems, it's very challenging to change your husband's behavior and your/your child's reaction to it.
It sounds like you don't have enough support from your husband to raise your children. I wonder if your son may have been acting out anger and/or anxiety due to his father's abusive behavior towards you. He shouldn't get angry at you or put you down in front of your children. He may have to learn how to parent your children in an appropriate and effective manner. Your husband seems to blame you for your son's behavior and/or other things. Also, his behavior towards you is disrespectful to you. So, his behavior actually may worsen your son's disobedience.
I would recommend you and your husband to work with a family counselor or a marriage counselor to discuss your husband's behavior problem and your son's behavior problem and resolve issues in your family.
His ongoing inappropriate (and abusive) behavior towards you may be harmful to your son's emotional and interpersonal development and your mental health. A mental health professional such as a licensed marriage counselor and/or a family counselor may nee to intervene this situation as you are at loss of what to do with your husband's behavior issues.



Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i understand clearly what you are saying, i am just so overwhelmed what to start first? right now the house is in chaos. we cant even have a meal with the two kids fighting or getting my son out the door in the mornings. at the same time i see the kids leaning towards favoring their father & going against me. they seem enamored with him, they cling to him & when im around its as if im a nobody. on sundays he takes them out somewhere. i dont even go & they dont really even ask me. he has created two seperate lives two seperate rules. i try to make him understand, the therapist tried to make him understand friends with successful situatiuons try to make him understand, he just doesnt seem to get it. is it to late at 8 & 7yrs old to turn these kids life around. all they see is mommy crying & helpless. i am sending my son to my mother's house for a couple of days just to calm down & get myself together. do you think its a good idea? ill have just my daughter here shes more independant although she turns to food for comfort & thats another issue. i just feel so overwhelmed, every time i take two steps forward - he brings me back. i am so scared these kids are scarred from this - what is the best source of hope you think we can recover? my son is very smart boy academically, behavior in school he got 3 (U's) for behavior. my daughter is very smart aswell, behaves well in school but hit/miss at home. i await your response there are just too many problems that are overwhelming me & i dont know from where & what to start first.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there
Got your reply. I'll be back with my answer.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for waiting.
I can imagine how stressful this situation must seem to you.
Your sons may have learned disrespectful behavior from their father's behavior as their father IS a role model to them.
I would advise you to start working with a licensed counselor/psychotherapist for yourself weekly. You may need support and advice to handle current stress, your husband, and develop self confidence as a parent. You may need to reassert your parental authority and learn how to manage your sons acting out effectively via individual counseling. You may have to choose a counselor who is experienced in children and parenting issues.

Also, you and your sons may benefit from another counselor (a licensed psychologist or psychotherapist specializing in family therapy and children ) for family counseling. Your husband may attend family therapy if he wants to.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
do you think its a good idea for my mother to take my son for a couple of days to stay by her house, so that i may calm down & diffuse the difficulties in my house until i get us to a therapist. it kills me that i have to send him. he calls me missing me & wants to come home. he tells my mother hes sorry but he comes back & repeats his deffiant behavior. what can my mother say to him or what can i say to him to make him understand this is what needs to be done, or is it just not a good idea to have him at my mothers & bring him back home & deal with it. 1 kid at a time i can handle. 2 of them both together is just havoc right now.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,
It seems obvious that your family is in crisis now.
It's ok for you to send one of your sons to his grandmother's home for a couple of days until you calm down and go see a licensed counselor/psychotherapist. You may need to see a counselor as soon as possible so that you can tell him when he can come home.
I assume you want your son to stay at your mom's house for a couple days. That should be fine if he is with his grandmother near your house. It's very important for you to calm down and have a plan to stabilize your family crisis now - That's why you may need to start seeing a licensed counselor to discuss this.
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience: PsyD Psychologist
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