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DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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My wife is out of control everything could be going fine and

Customer Question

My wife is out of control everything could be going fine and all of a sideboard if i dnt do what she wants she bursts out of control screaming n disrespecting me.. even worst she makes some scenarios where she knws I'm not gonna do what she wants so its like giving me a hard choice do the outrageous stupid thing she wants me to do or say or she's gonna explode out of control what can I do should she see a psychiatry?? She's a realy nice girl with a big heart but she has that problem
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.
Hi,
It must be frustrating for you.
I think we need to approach this issue in stages.
If her behavior is limited(i know it must be distressing,frustrating) to losing temper with you sometimes in the situations you mentioned BUT did not effect her in any other way Like her daily living skills,mood variations,sleep,paranoia etc Then the first useful option is to see Marriage and Family therapist.
This is important because it is useful to know her perception to the problem.It is also equally important to see both sides and promote effective healthy way of coping and communication which might happen via couple therapy (marriage and family therapy).

Now, If she is having extreme mood swings associated with the outbursts of anger you mentioned,low mood,lack of sleep,lack of appetite,any paranoid symptoms then the first point of contact should be with the Psychiatrist.

I hope this helps.

Thank you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No it doesn't affect her daily life she's an excellent student a great mom and a sweet wife but her maverick is usually at two ppl me and her mom because her mom also didn't do what she wanted all the time I think i should mention she didn't live with her dad so every time she would see her dad he would always do what she wanted and spoil her maybe she expected the same from me and her mom?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Plz give me advise on how I can approach the problem to actually help her change the way she is or what can I do when she's starting to fight or to get out of hand
Expert:  DrFee replied 2 years ago.

Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

Your wife is 18 years old? It sounds like perhaps a lack of maturity is a factor here, although that may not explain all of it. Here's a few ideas for how to talk to her about it when she is calm:



1. Use a lot of Empathy and Validation:

Empathy
is where name the feelings you see that her feeling, validation is where you
give support to him for those feelings: "I know you were angry when ______," or "It was frustrating for you when you_____," or "It sounds like when you were
______ you got lonely and bored." Validation:
"I can understand how that would be stressful." or "I can see
why you might feel _________ in that situation."



Empathy
build connection and trust . Empathy and validation do NOT mean that you support a
particularly behavior, nor does it mean you would feel the same way or engage in
the same behavior. It simply means that you can look beyond your own feelings
and understand what is behind her feelings.



2.Use "I feel __________, when you _________"
statements.
Some examples:



"I feel ______ when _____ happens, but when ______ happens you
seem ______." Or another variation, "I worry that you are not
interested in trying to work out our relationship when you _____(insert
behavior)." OR "I feel neglected when you say __________
and then you do _______ instead."



The
"I" part of the statement puts the responsibility on you (and hence
is less likely to make her feel defensive), but the "when you" part
identifies the behavior that is confusing, hurting you, concerning you, etc.



It's
much more likely to get an honest answer than a "why" question (Why
do you act this way?) which makes people naturally defensive.



3. Use Open Ended Questions: They tend to start with
What, When, How, and Tell me: "What is going through your mind right
now?" or "Please tell me what your current thoughts are about our
relationship." Or "How can I be supportive of you as you figure out
if we can work things out?"



Avoid
closed ended questions: "Don't you think you ought to do the dishes?"
Open ended questions invite conversation, closed ended ones tend to shut it
down.

Now ---in the moment ---when she starts to fight or get out of hand, it seems like you're only choices are to stop the conversation. "I will talk to you when you are calm." and either leave or, if that's not possible, just stop talking. If she continues, just repeat yourself until she stops. Most people will only tantrum for so long and then stop if there's no one responding.

Ultimately, I agree with the other Expert that she needs some form of therapy --but she may not see it right now if she doesn't yet "get" how her behavior is affecting her marriage.

Please follow up if you need ----

Regards,

Dr. Fee



DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience: I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
DrFee and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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