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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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Looking for advice articles on emotinal infidelity, not sexual.

Customer Question

Looking for advice articles on emotinal infidelity, not sexual. Phone calls and texting with opposite sex, for about 8 months. Is this cheating? Both people are married.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Even if we take him at his word that there hasn't been physical contact, in my view an emotional affair is cheating.

CoachJenK :

Here is a link to some articles on the subject. http://freebooks.is/pdf/emotional-affair

CoachJenK :

and I believe you are trying to wrestle with the idea of them having this contact for 8 months and not having it be sexual....my hunch is that you believe it is sexual.

CoachJenK :

Either way he is betraying you and has aborted your trust.

CoachJenK :

Here is another article that supports the view that an emotional affair is cheating and may be a gateway into a full blown sexual affair. http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry you are going through this and I am sure you are in a lot of pain.

Customer:

Just wondering how to deal with the fact that I won't know for sure. He is absolutely cooperative and admits to it being emotional cheating. We have a great sexual relationship, love our 3 children and love each other. He does have a lot of anger and we had deep talk that brought many things to the surface.. Also, he's admitted to treating me unfair in other ways, I've never seen him open up apologize and cry, sobbing like this ever! Told me he doesn't deserve me, that I am better than him, etc... I've never seen this in 15 years.

CoachJenK :

well this is a good sign.....that he can open up and talk about it all and can share the things he has been harboring will allow you both to heal and recover.

CoachJenK :

It could also be helpful if you got into some couples counseling so it can be fully processed and worked through and you can rebuild the trust.

CoachJenK :

and yes living in that space of not knowing fir sure is very hard and because he has been so open about it all and taking responsibility it seems like he would tell you if there has been physical contact.

CoachJenK :

would you stay with him if there was physical contact?

CoachJenK :

he may be so worried that he will lose you that he is not admitting if there has been sexual contact. if you know you can stay and get through it then maybe letting him know just that could let him open up about it if that is the case.

Customer:

any tips on how I can stop thinking about it constantly? We both think this might have been a blessing, to get us to another level, which of course is wonderful right now, but it's only been a week. He told me to expect it to be this way for now on, because myself our children and deserve it! I love this part but I'm scared I won't be able to let go of the other.

Customer:

Yes I would stay if there was physical contact. I think it would allow me to fully trust him and believe that he can p

CoachJenK :

yes I know how tough that is. I think it comes down to a lot of self talk, meditation and maybe even some self hypnosis.

CoachJenK :

I think you should let him know that if you havent already.

CoachJenK :

maybe even a couples retreat could be great for you...to heal, bond, let go.

CoachJenK :

there is a wonderful book having nothing to do with emotional affairs but more about the now and that is where we want you to be so you can let go of those thoughts.

CoachJenK :

You can also find all of Dan Millmans work here. Absolutely wonderful stuff. http://www.peacefulwarrior.com/

CoachJenK :

If you want to do some self hypnosis. www.SteveGJones.com

Customer:

I will let him know that it could help him move past it and relieve him if he was dishonest with any of that. I just find it very hard to believe that he would be that close to someone without more. Although, he really doesn't have the time, I don't know how he could have done it. I know where he is pretty much, all of the time. But I guess there is a way that's why I have the doubt. All of the links sound great, I will check into them. We can read some of it together, he is all for that!! thank yo for being so helpful, We really want to make our marriage the best so I will try to stay possitive! Thank you

CoachJenK :

I am so happy to support you. You sound terrific with a wonderful heart. Make that marriage work...keep talking to each other and loving one another.

CoachJenK :

Come to me anytime. Please click on the rating tab to offer a rating of me. My goal is EXCELLENT.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX!!

CoachJenK :

my best to both of you and thank you in advance for a positive rating to credit my work with you.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
If I want to check in with you in the future, how do I do so, and does it cost each time?
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Yes there is a new cost each time. Sorry. If you want me in the future ask a new question and put for CoachJenK only at the beginning and it will come directly to me. I look forward to supporting you whenever you need. No need to offer another rating here now as you already have above and I thank you.

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