He has developed a friendship with two women at work whom are best friends with one another (C and L). I found text messages in January between he and L that I think were inappropriate. In looking at phone records, there are days when they would text 30 to 40 times per day. He would go out with both of them and tell me he was working late or was out for drinks with people from work. When I saw him at a restaurant with a group from work after he told me he was working late, he accused me of being crazy. I told him I thought there was something going on between he and L. We fought, he told me he was unhappy and wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. This all occured in January. For three months, I waited for him to make a decision. He contended that he and L were only friends. I found out during that time she'd recently gotten a divorce.
In April, he told me he loves me and wants to be married to me. BUT--he is still texting her almost daily. He deletes most of the texts (I read his texts when he's in the shower). Last week he was out of town to visit some friends of ours. Over 4 days, there were 124 texts between them. She sent him some pics and I found a pic of (I think) L in a bikini,
Breast, belly and just below shot. I compared pics of her on facebook and am pretty sure it's her. He erased all the texts between them. Also, I checked his browser history on his phone while he was gone. He had googled "coworker affairs" and read articles on how to stop an emotional affair and the effects of an affair.
I went to therapy previously. He refuses to go.
He seems more attentive to me than ever. He tells me very pointedly that he loves me. Our sex life is better than it ever has been. But the texting continues. Also, while he was out of town, C invited me to a birthday party for L. He insisted I go. I went, L was nice and I had a great time. I wonder if he is trying to get out, but why the constant texting?
Do I just hold any accusations and wait and continue to monitor his actions? I have told him that I feel like he is dealing with something big, but if he didn't want to share it with me that I support him regardless. He said he's just stressed at work (I know that he is) and that our family means the world to him as well.
I think she is, but he isn't stopping it. He went out to run last night and he texted her first. 23 text messages later, he came home and was very loving to me and completely attentive. But he'd deliberately deleted all the texts.
I want to add that she is still sleeping with her ex, with whom my husband is friends. Our children are friends as well.
I've thought of blocking her on his phone but he hates passive-aggressiveness and would be incensed if he found out I did that. I think he knows I look at his texts, but he would be livid if he ever caught me. I can't help but feel betrayed.
I lost trust when he told me in January he'd had thoughts about being with her. He seems so sincere now when he tells me he loves me, most of the times I would use the word "earnest" to describe him. He makes plans for the future, long term, and even told me last night that I make him want to be a better person (it was in relation to a speaker we'd heard that said a "real man" is a good husband and father).
Do I tell him that I've been spying on him? I fear that would end things permanently.
He has been talking alot with her friend C, whom he confided in previously. She told him that divorce was a last resort. I think he looks up to C but she is L's best friend. C has been more friendly with me since the birthday party so I don't know if she is trying to bridge things or if I am just reading more into it than I should. The bikini pic really bothers me. I am somewhat overweight but have recently lost 50 pounds and am trying to be more healthy. He says the new me is "sexy and wonderful".
He saved the picture; I can't help but think he looks at it and fantasizes (she is attractive and THIN!). Do I just wait to see what happens in the near future? Should I just catalog all the evidence for later?
And she is all smiles and sweetness to me when she sees me.
I have saved the pic to my phone. I have printed all the texting records and saved those as well, just for the sheer volume. I have noted dates where he indicated he was working late, then told me he met them for drinks after work. Text messages indicated he actually arrived first and saved them a table. Why lie about something so insignificant? when I questioned all this before, he told me he shouldn't have to tell me where he is at all times, I should trust him because he has NEVER been unfaithful.
I am trying to accept the friendship, be cordial to both C and L, yet remain guarded and see what happens. I can't help myself when it comes to checking the text records. Is this the best course of action?
Thank you. I know I need to stop because it just tortures me. I sometimes feel like I'm a doormat, that he is taking advantage of my supportiveness and love.
I don't know how to tell him how I feel without him thinking that I'm rehashing old issues. any suggestions?
That sounds good. I keep going back and forth from wanting to ask about the pic to just wanting to keep things the way they are. I don't feel that he could be so loving and passionate if he were seeking out someone else. Am I being naiive? Would a man do that out of guilt?
He has always been a genuine, honest person. Very hardworking, loyal and just a stand-up guy. Everybody that meets him loves him. He is helpful to everyone. I've always said he'd never even contemplate taking a paperclip from the office, he's just that honest and open. that's why all of this has been so shocking to me.
He has a huge heart and loves our children more than anything. He cries in movies, at church, when we got married, when our children was born. He is not one to hide emotions. This is all so foreign and different to me. I forgot to mention he'd googled articles on "men's midlife crisis". Could it be just that?
That makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER! I don't want to be naiive, but I hate being so pessimistic. I will do what you advised and talk to him. But I will continue to be supportive and loving and I'll try to stop checking the texts. Thank you so much!