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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5762
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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How can I tell whether or not I am a lesbian?

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How can I tell whether or not I am a lesbian? Is it possible that I am neither homo nor hetero? Can a person change from one to the other?
Once a doctor laughed as she looked at me in stirrups before a PAP?..sometimes but not always I can feel a small skin tag protruding from the posterior side of the opening to the ashamed

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

I am sorry to hear that you were treated so horribly by the doctor. People who hurt others like the doctor hurt you often have issues of their own they don't cope well with so they put them on other people. So that was not about you as much as it was about her.

Having questions about your sexual preference can be caused by many things. If you are unsure, that may mean that there was trauma in your background. An abusive parent, especially a father who was abusive, can cause you to feel an aversion to men. Women can be open and emotional, which for someone who was hurt can be very appealing.

You can also have feelings for neither males or females. That can indicate that you feel bad about yourself or that you were deeply hurt and don't want a close relationship of any kind.

Feeling ashamed is also a sign that you were hurt. Because of that, you may want to consider therapy. It can help you to talk to someone who you can confide in and who can guide you through what you feel. To find a therapist, try asking your doctor. Or you can search on line at

Let me know if you have more questions or if I can help in any other way.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am sort of seeing a therapist but this topic is to hard to discuss face to face even though she has been great and I did speak about some inappropriate stuff that happened to me

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I met a guy on a phone chat line...several spoken to...they are all super sexed...thought I might find out about myself by talking with them..I know I can orgasm by myself but not with the one man I met...he said there must be something wrong with me...

Even allowed complete strangers to come into my apartment and one on my bed...when I realized I could be in danger...he had a temper...I gave him a hand job...and some men blowjobs...but I only felt the power of being able to do it...

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My family does not know I have tried to figure anything out...already 52...strict catholic upbringing...depressed ...I found out some people at work think I am lesbian...never talk honestly about relationships because I feel I will be laughed at...I'm fat and once when I lost weight many years ago by starving myself for 9 months and got down to 130lbs, some nurses I worked with tried to pair me up...but I bolted and am obese again...

It sounds like feel bad about yourself and put yourself down. That can be as a result of messages from your childhood if you were abused.


Contacting a chat line may be a way for you to explore your sexuality, but you are also going to find a lot of people on there who are hurt and dysfunctional and therefore, you will not be able to find a way to explore your own needs within normal boundaries.


It can be difficult when others make judgments about you, like those at work. But they do not understand your situation so they are only making judgments based on their own feelings.


Being overweight can be the result of childhood sexual abuse or even physical or emotional abuse. As a result you may push your feelings down and cover them with food- emotional eating. And it also provides a barrier between you and the outside world, protecting you in a way from others who can hurt you. Once you feel better, your weight will be easier to manage.


It may help you to work on any abuse you suffered as a child. That can be the root of what you are experiencing now. Your therapist would be the best option with support from sites like Just Answer so you always have someone to talk to.



Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I'm too ashamed to talk about sex especially when I spoke to her about my dad

It may be easier to talk with her about your shame rather than sex at this point. Talking about the shame around it can help you work through that first, then you can get to how you feel about sex. It's like layers. You deal with what is preventing you from talking about sex before you actually talk about sex.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I can't even say the word sex...if she smiles, I'll want to run out of the room

That may be shame and fear. It sounds like there is something in your background that is causing you to feel this way. And talking about what caused this and working through that part first can help a lot. It is hard, I know. Take your time and go slowly. Let your therapist know that you are scared and that if she smiles you'll want to leave. She will help you work with those feelings.


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