thank you for your support that I'm doing the right thing, I need it today. I am emotionally drained, don't really have the words to tell you how I feel. I will write here, but maybe you could answer on my new thread on relationships please.
I left the envelope from the magistrates courts on the table with his other post. He was up and gone before I was up this morning. My morning was quiet at home, sorting stuff, then I went to Kitty's for my work session. She was writing an article in the dining room, I stayed in the office. Yesterday I left my bottle of water there, so I was hoping to find it when I got there, I can't do without it. I asked Kitty where it was, and she said she'd recycled it, and thrown the top away. She got me the bottle out of the recycling, and I used it without a top (I could have got a glass, but the topless bottle would do.) I finished my work, Kitty's husband was at home. I went into the kitchen to throw my bottle back in the recycling- I just said I was throwing my bottle away. X, her husband, said she throws everything away, including husbands. I said pardon, he repeated. Kitty said take no notice of him. I said I'll try not to, and left quickly, I was late for Adele.
X drinks at the pub with Dave. D has said to me that I'm throwing him away. I have said absolutely nothing to Kitty about my home situation, though she knows I have depression and anxiety
issues. I walked home in tears, drove to Adele's in tears, and sat in the waiting room trying not to cry.
Adele was a little late, that's fine. She could tell I'd been upset, I knew I couldn't hide it. She said have you had a terrible week? You haven't emailed me. I said it has been OK til today. D will be at home as I speak, opening his letter from the courts- I passed him on my way into town. And I tried to tell her what had happened at Kitty's. I was shaking terribly and crying, could barely speak. She moved her chair and sat right next to me, put her arm around me and helped me to talk. I told her what X said. She was so lovely to me, held my hand and calmed me until I stopped shaking. She said it was a shock, I was shocked by his words. And the realization that Kitty knew his story from X, and that they're thinking she's always together, she's fine, she's just kicking him out bc she feels like it.
Then Adele told me that she'd been reading through her notes and she says there is a huge difference in me now from when we first met, I have come a long way.
She asked me if I'd been in contact with the care coordinator, and said we'd missed each other this week, but I'd emailed her the letter to Dr H, that she'd emailed Adele, which of course she knew. So we talked more about the weekend when everything kicked off, about my safety, about talking to the children about calling the police, that I'd spoken with the Domestic Abuse Police unit and that they'd flagged my address. She was really pleased that I done that, and reminded me of the circle of support that we'd talked about many weeks ago, and that my support is taking shape, and that I should be proud that I have done all that, sought professional help (not buddies at the pub).
She said you're exhausted aren't you, she said you've had deep anxiety for years, and we talked about having a massage or two in the future. She wants me to take some time out this weekend, who could I go away with, or visit. I said I'd go alone. She said I need company, TLC. I said I'd phone Cathy, I'll try. Poppy will be with her bf most of the weekend, there is a festival in his hometown, so that is good. Sam will be OK.
Adele was just what I needed this afternoon, she hugged me long and hard, I said thank you for looking after me.
I had to go to my aunt's on the way home to meet a Fire safety officer who was going to do a house check and supply some smoke detectors. She was very late, I didn't get home til gone 7pm. I'd texted Poppy to warn her that D might be upset bc of a letter, and asked her to give him love and hugs if he needed it. Poppy has friends here, she's been dying her hair (black!), so I haven't asked her if D said anything to her. Sam is at work. The letter has been opened, but I doubt very much that it has been read. D was out when I got home, he won't be home til late. No doubt I will have to talk about it in the morning.
I felt the need to email Kitty when I got home, I said....' I know you said to take no notice, but I can’t, (I’ve just come from therapy), and I just wanted to tell you (CONFIDENTIALLY please) something. I know Dave thinks I am throwing him away, but the kids and I have had enough and I need to try and undo some of the subtle damage done to us all before it’s too late. Suffice to say that the Social Services have been involved, the police domestic abuse unit have flagged my address, and I have a Domestic Abuse Outreach worker. Please don’t tell X, (Dave doesn’t know, apart from the SS) I’d rather he was a support for Dave, but I wanted you to know.
Today is hard but it's nearly through. I have to wait up to pick Sam up from work then I will get some sleep. Tomorrow I meet with Ziggy. I am very lucky with all my support.
I'll try to get to Relationships now....