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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello Kate...............

Customer Question

Hello Kate...............
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ahoy Matey! What's going on?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
D came home with a guitar that he found at the recycle centre. He's spent the last 2 hours fiddling with it to get it shaped up, it was in a state, had no bridge and no strings. He's making a bridge, and has taken the strings from another guitar (now we have 4, and a double bass, no-one plays them at all!) At least he's doing something, and isn't at the pub, or having a go. It's much better like this, he is interested and occupied. Another reason not to give him the letter til tomorrow.

I had an email from my care coordinator this afternoon, she had tried to get me yesterday and today. I had forwarded the letter that I'd sent to Dr H (did I tell you?), and I wanted to talk about it with her since I hadn't heard from Dr H, and it meant another visit to see her. So Christine and I missed each other, and now she's on leave for 2 weeks. She said she was very concerned to read the content of the letter to Dr H (just what you know already, but stuff I hadn't told her (Dr)), and that she was forwarding it all to Adele so that we can talk tomorrow. She said Adele probably already knows (yes), but she wanted to cover all bases before she left for leave, and she'd talked to her manager about me so that someone else from their team knew about my 'increasing risk and vulnerability', so that I could talk to the team duty worker if I needed to in her absence.


Back soon


H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That is good, H Rose. I am glad that you at least heard from the care coordinator and that she is taking this all seriously. Hopefully, she will make some progress when she gets back.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It's a lovely evening, still, DRY, warm and a little sunny. I had a real need to get away from home, so I took the dogs out for a while, and walked in a field that has a footpath through it. I can't believe I have never walked it before, it's only a stones throw from home, and I pass the lane end every day. So it was good to be totally on my own, in an overgrown field with happy dogs and many trees recently planted.

Sam has friends here. I am feeling unsettled about him at the moment, still using what seems like a lot to me. Poppy tells me they get through a gram each a day, which is £10. One of Poppy's friends, Ava, older than she is, asked to borrow £10 from her yesterday so she could buy some. Poppy was really cross. I was told it wasn't being 'bought/sold' here, but it obviously is. And Sam was ALMOST dishonest the other day, he was owed the cost of a driving lesson as he had paid for one himself, and D gave him some cash, but told Poppy not to tell me he had been paid back, and was going to ask me for it too. But he did tell me D had paid him, he just asked if I would pay him too. Poppy told me that he was going to cheat me, but I'm relieved he didn't. Tonight I told him he was using too much, he was wasting money and that he had a car to think about soon. I hope I can get to grips with him, but I am losing faith in my ability to set boundaries.


I still need to speak to Poppy about the contraceptives. She told me on Sunday that she wasn't feeling too well, and had a headache. Monday she texted me from school to tell me she had a headache. I was talking to K about this last night. I think what has been the most difficult thing to grasp is how she, still as my child, can be given a 'pill' without my knowledge, and they don't have to tell me. If she becomes ill bc of it I'm not going to be any the wiser, there are all sorts of side effects.


Not feeling good right now. Too much in my head. Ziggy said I should try to think of 10 things every day (could be the same 10 things) that I am grateful for (ie a gratitude list-) and tell myself that I am strong and deserve to be happy (just like you do Smile)


I was thinking of leaving home when I was out with the dogs. I could couldn't I? I'm going to pack my bag tomorrow. I keep saying that, tomorrow, tomorrow. And I want to get a lock for my door tomorrow too. I'm sure I'll be able to fit it. It crossed my mind to ask Mark to fit it for me, but I decided it was not a good idea! I wonder why he really kicked my door in. I wonder if he thought I had someone with me. Or was it just bc I was doing something that he wasn't in control of, that he wanted to regain control. He only wanted to say sorry for putting me in here. Or was that something he thought of saying as he kicked his way in. He hasn't mentioned it once, no sorry, no I'll fix your latch, nothing. It is quite amazing. That is a 'symptom' of anti social PD I believe. I was at Kitty's today reading her DSM IV as I was printing something out, she was away. He was right the other day when he was drunk and yelling at me. He said you really don't know me do you- I don't, but I think he was meaning I don't know him for his attributes, not his whatever the opposite is.


He's at home this evening. I feel like I'm on the edge, the brink of something, unknown, scary, I wonder what the Decree Nisi says. I wonder what he will be asked to do. he has already told me he won't agree to anything. I wonder what happens next. Mark was going to let me know when the papers were coming from the courts, but I haven't heard a word. Maybe he's been out of the office. I should just get on with it, it will be done then. That's how I did it before, just gritted my teeth. Maybe I can find a refuge, somewhere that I don't need to talk to anyone. That's what I don't want to do, talk, which I can't escape if I stay with someone, or my parents, but I don't want to talk, just want to be on my own, even talking to the kids is too much, I got irritable when Poppy wanted to ask me something just now. I wonder if I'll ever want company again, whether I will just be lonely. I wonder if my head will ever work properly again so that I can talk to people, and not just look like a fool with nothing to say. No sparks in my head, wiring's all wrong, fusebox kicked in.


I don't know......


H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
H Rose,

I am glad you got some time to yourself on your walk. It can really help to have a chance to think things through.

It sounds like Sam is getting in deeper with his drug use. If he is lying and trying to get your money, then he must feel some type of pressure to come up with cash. Lying and manipulating is one of the signs of a drug problem, whether it is an addiction or he is dealing. Setting boundaries in a situation like this is difficult. It can help if you get support from a drug and alcohol program. Someone can help to walk you through what to do and how to handle Sam's situation.

It is hard to believe that a child as young as Poppy can get pills without a parent knowing. You are right, if something went wrong with the medication, you would not know what was causing it. That is a very good point. Parents are responsible for their kids and need to know as much as they can about their health.

Dealing with Dave is not so much about understanding what makes him tick as it is about what effect it has on you to be with him. Like the groups you mentioned the other day, finding out why it is hard to leave, working on self esteem, etc is more helpful to you. Dave is going to stay the way he is whether or not anyone figures him out. I know it's tempting to want to understand him and why he does this. But ask yourself how understanding him would help you? Would it make you stay? Could you fix him? What would you do if you did know why Dave did these things?

You will find your way once you can get Dave out of your life. It is all murky now because the things he says and does are overwhelming and make it difficult to focus on the goal. If he does have a personality disorder, he is a natural at manipulation, which is meant to make you feel muddled and upset. And the stress you are under can make you short tempered and irritable. That is to be expected. You are allowed to feel upset, just like anyone else.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have to keep checking myself to make sure I still believe I am right and that D is out of order. That's why I question what he does, how he thinks. I worry that I have got him wrong and that I have made the situation become how it is, that I am doing him wrong. When I am confident I know I'm right, when he behaves like that I know I'm right, when I remember all the times that he has gone on and on that he is right, I know that I am right.

He will be up and gone early tomorrow, he won't get his letter til later. I had it all planned, but now he tells me he is meeting someone at 7.30 to move a caravan. Oh well, evening it is then.


Goodnight Kate, good to talk, thank you


H Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are right in what you are doing. I know it's hard to see because of all the mixed emotions and Dave's ability to manipulate, but I can definitely say you are right. So can K, Adele and your friends and family. Even your parents agree, which is interesting. But they see Dave for what he is. And he keeps on proving you right. Even the kids see it too.

Good night, H Rose. Things are difficult now, but they will get better. Let me know how you want to work the new thread, relationship or stay here. I will keep an eye out for it.

Sleep well!

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you for your support that I'm doing the right thing, I need it today. I am emotionally drained, don't really have the words to tell you how I feel. I will write here, but maybe you could answer on my new thread on relationships please.


I left the envelope from the magistrates courts on the table with his other post. He was up and gone before I was up this morning. My morning was quiet at home, sorting stuff, then I went to Kitty's for my work session. She was writing an article in the dining room, I stayed in the office. Yesterday I left my bottle of water there, so I was hoping to find it when I got there, I can't do without it. I asked Kitty where it was, and she said she'd recycled it, and thrown the top away. She got me the bottle out of the recycling, and I used it without a top (I could have got a glass, but the topless bottle would do.) I finished my work, Kitty's husband was at home. I went into the kitchen to throw my bottle back in the recycling- I just said I was throwing my bottle away. X, her husband, said she throws everything away, including husbands. I said pardon, he repeated. Kitty said take no notice of him. I said I'll try not to, and left quickly, I was late for Adele.


X drinks at the pub with Dave. D has said to me that I'm throwing him away. I have said absolutely nothing to Kitty about my home situation, though she knows I have depression and anxiety issues. I walked home in tears, drove to Adele's in tears, and sat in the waiting room trying not to cry.


Adele was a little late, that's fine. She could tell I'd been upset, I knew I couldn't hide it. She said have you had a terrible week? You haven't emailed me. I said it has been OK til today. D will be at home as I speak, opening his letter from the courts- I passed him on my way into town. And I tried to tell her what had happened at Kitty's. I was shaking terribly and crying, could barely speak. She moved her chair and sat right next to me, put her arm around me and helped me to talk. I told her what X said. She was so lovely to me, held my hand and calmed me until I stopped shaking. She said it was a shock, I was shocked by his words. And the realization that Kitty knew his story from X, and that they're thinking she's always together, she's fine, she's just kicking him out bc she feels like it.


Then Adele told me that she'd been reading through her notes and she says there is a huge difference in me now from when we first met, I have come a long way.

She asked me if I'd been in contact with the care coordinator, and said we'd missed each other this week, but I'd emailed her the letter to Dr H, that she'd emailed Adele, which of course she knew. So we talked more about the weekend when everything kicked off, about my safety, about talking to the children about calling the police, that I'd spoken with the Domestic Abuse Police unit and that they'd flagged my address. She was really pleased that I done that, and reminded me of the circle of support that we'd talked about many weeks ago, and that my support is taking shape, and that I should be proud that I have done all that, sought professional help (not buddies at the pub).


She said you're exhausted aren't you, she said you've had deep anxiety for years, and we talked about having a massage or two in the future. She wants me to take some time out this weekend, who could I go away with, or visit. I said I'd go alone. She said I need company, TLC. I said I'd phone Cathy, I'll try. Poppy will be with her bf most of the weekend, there is a festival in his hometown, so that is good. Sam will be OK.


Adele was just what I needed this afternoon, she hugged me long and hard, I said thank you for looking after me.


I had to go to my aunt's on the way home to meet a Fire safety officer who was going to do a house check and supply some smoke detectors. She was very late, I didn't get home til gone 7pm. I'd texted Poppy to warn her that D might be upset bc of a letter, and asked her to give him love and hugs if he needed it. Poppy has friends here, she's been dying her hair (black!), so I haven't asked her if D said anything to her. Sam is at work. The letter has been opened, but I doubt very much that it has been read. D was out when I got home, he won't be home til late. No doubt I will have to talk about it in the morning.


I felt the need to email Kitty when I got home, I said....' I know you said to take no notice, but I can’t, (I’ve just come from therapy), and I just wanted to tell you (CONFIDENTIALLY please) something. I know Dave thinks I am throwing him away, but the kids and I have had enough and I need to try and undo some of the subtle damage done to us all before it’s too late. Suffice to say that the Social Services have been involved, the police domestic abuse unit have flagged my address, and I have a Domestic Abuse Outreach worker. Please don’t tell X, (Dave doesn’t know, apart from the SS) I’d rather he was a support for Dave, but I wanted you to know.


Today is hard but it's nearly through. I have to wait up to pick Sam up from work then I will get some sleep. Tomorrow I meet with Ziggy. I am very lucky with all my support.


I'll try to get to Relationships now....


H Rose


Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Sorry I missed you today

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. I hope you've had a good day, we are STILL having rain, and no end in sight.

Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow


H Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I will head over to relationships now to catch your new post. Sorry I missed you too :(

Kate

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