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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I have gotten nowhere with the stuff for A. P's brother S is out of town until tomorrow and doesn't know about the thing with J. We still need to tell P's older brother, D, who is J's grandfather. J's uncle is back in TX, but Is chomping at the bit to confront C.

J td p and I last night exactly what happened with C, and it made my stomach turn and the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Poor J thinks she is being overly sensitive because of what happened with her dad, but he is not. And the fact that he told her several times he should shut the door so he didn't get in trouble says he knows it was wrong.

But I feel strongly we new to do this all at once. I am going to keep trying to reach someone up where he lives to help me. I think we need to contact the correct authority (whether it be in the county or military) and find out ahead of time what they need (e.g., does J need to go up there, can they take a phone statement, can we bring a written sworn statement, does everyone who saw stuff with A have to be there to make a statement or can I get everyone to make a written sworn statement?) and tell them everything an make plans for one or more o the men to go up, and also some of us, let them know he has a 2 year old there, is very volatile, and has lots of weapons. Basically see if they can schedule when to do this so someone can take A and so we have people there who witnessed things. I dot know if it will work. I am getting everyone together (P, S, T [S's wife], L (P's niece, J's mom], me, T [L's sister, P's niece] and JH [T's husband in TX] and D on Skype) Thursday evening to decide what to do and how. S and D are going to want to kill him.

A bunch of u went out to lunch today, and I didn't know C's mom and sister were going. I am done with them. All of the sudden, they are acting like he is father of the year because he was nice to them yesterday and said he signed A up for a class. I told them that was the same class he kep saying she was signed up for but couldn't start until 3 wks before her 2nd bday. He is lying again. They are making excuses for him - family things stress him out and he doesn't know how to cope, it is hard because he is a male and alone with A etc. I said if going to a family function makes him abuse his kid, he shouldn't go, and that he is the one who insisted on being. Stay-at-home dad, even before his wife was deployed, because he is too lazy to get a job and thought this woul be easier, which I'm sure it is when he ignores his kid. They both said he was much better yesterday, everything is fine. I told them yes - he told me it was because he blew off steam by shooting 1000 rounds a the range, and reminded them he was the same way when his mom brought A back from abq, but that only lasted a few hours. They are denying anything is wrong now, I think because his mom knows if she admits something is wrong, she knows she should step up and take care of A, but she isn't willing to do anything. I was so angry. I told them "this isn't a little parenting-style issue. This is abuse. This is illegal. This is a major deal. I'm done with them. I have no use for them.

But who will take care of A? They won't let me, I would think. I am not related. Plus - they won't let her be taken out of state during this mess, would they?

I also need to message C's wife at some point, but I worry because she apparently thinks he is a fine father and neglects A too (although she doesn't have an anger issue). But I have heard, too, that T and L witnessed him being pretty angry with his wife when they were down here before she was deployed. I don't know. But I am concerned if I tell her now that she will make excuses for him, too, and will give h a heads-up. So I guess I will wait until I report it.

I mentioned to Linda that when P and I went to CO to see A when she was first born, we couldn't stand being in their aparent because it was so disgusting, and p and I had to hold our tongues when they laid he (less than a week old) on the floor covered with dirt and food and dog hair. Linda said that they will look at that, too. Is that true? I know it's no better now. I se the background of pix he posts on fb. And I know it can't be safe (judging by her various recent injuries) and he has guns laying around th house. Do you think that will matter?

Oh - I forgot to mention - P kept saying that the fact that A had stitches in her hand showed neglect. I was confused, because we know how that happened, and even though it's likely that it happened because he wasn't watching her, we all know these things can happen even with an attentive parent. But I had gone onto his fb page to print out stuff (like comments that he hates his child, wishes he were dead [because she is being a pain], etc. ) and I saw the post again about him leaving her alone for an hour and coming back to broken glass and blood around her, and how she got a few stitches. And I looked at the date -- this was more than a month ago. That wa what P was saying. He never took her to get her stitches out. P Sao he told her the clini was close every time he took her. ?


I had another bad dream last night, and I went through several days of Linda's notes on my "telling" and I had a lot of thoughts and feelings and wrote a ton. I will do some more tonight. I think this was probably a good idea Linda had. It I allowing me to break things down. Hopefully we can break it down enough that it is manageable and then I can deal with each little part and put it away?

Keep praying for A, will you? I am so disappointed in his mom and sister. I guarantee that when he hurts her, they'll be saying "I tried to help her, I would have taken her, blah blah ...". I hope I'm wrong about him. :(
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

It sounds like you are doing all you can to help A. And it's great to get all of these people involved. The Skype meeting should help to clarify who can do what and get everyone on the same page. I would not let C's mother and sister know what you are intending on doing. They will probably tell him and he will clean up his act for as long as it takes to get rid of the authorities. And if his mother and sister are defending him, then they are not willing to see the abuse. There most likely is some co dependency issues going on and that makes it near impossible for them to see what he is doing, even if he does it in front of them. They will deny and avoid going against him.

If the authorities do take A away, they will most likely look at the family first as options for A to stay with. But if you tell them your experience with the mother and sister, it may help them consider other options for A. There are a lot of adoptive families out there who would love to help a little girl like her.

The child protective agency will look at living conditions as well as other factors in their investigation. Make sure that you or someone else in your group reports seeing guns in his home, laying around. It might help to make a list of things he has said, done and the condition of his home so it can either be given to the authorities or they can make note of it.

I don't know if the agency would allow her to be taken out of state, but if she is in the foster care system, they may.

I think if you write out your feelings it will help you a lot. You are working through the attack and your feelings very thoroughly. At some point, you will have done all you can to look at what happened. But breaking it down and looking at each part will help to be sure you work through everything.

I was thinking about your recent nightmares and had an idea about it. The dreams might be a combination of the work you are doing with Linda and the vulnerability you see with A. She is helpless against a cruel man, just as you were. There may be some parallels there. If anything, it might be something to mention to Linda and see if there is any merit to it.

I found some resources to help you with the situation with A. I imagine that you are doing a lot of research about how to handle the situation, but these might help as well:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

http://www.childwelfare.gov/responding/how.cfm

http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/childabuse/a/reporting_abuse.htm

I will definitely continue to pray for A. And please keep me updated on how things are progressing.

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX will look at those links when I get on the computer this morning. I found a military site last night that goes through the whole process of reporting child abuse or. Elect on a military base. Each base has what is called a Family Advocacy Program. It should be reported to them and The state CPS. But regardless, they will get CPS involved. It says they will work to protect the child and to provide treatment for the abuser, and it says they stress early intervention when there are even risk factors. I liked what it had to say and have all the contact info for the right people now, I think.

I agree it's better if we're all on the same page. We are not telling C's sister or mother for the exact reasons you stated. However, I think his mom may have given a heads-up (or maybe he really is trying?) because he posted on fb last night that he was organizing his whole house and A was helping.

Nobody has seen the guns around his house - we are just guessing, based on the fact that she was chewin on a gun barrel at the cabin. I have some fb pics I printed out showin some of his house, as well as all his. I are posts and posts saying he doesn't like his daughter. I am going to have everyone on Thursday wrote down all the info of which they have personal knowledge and will have them sign them, and will notarized them or get Jamie or Austin to come over and do so. Also, when he does take A to get her ditches removed, don you think the doctor will make a note that he waited over a month to bring her back, when he was supposed to have them removed in a week or two?

I think C's mom would keep A if they removed her, but that's tough, because she doesn't really want that responsibility. But at least here, she has a bunch of us to take her for periods of time. I would imagine they would not do something drastic without waiting for C's wife to get back and have a chance.

S called P last night. He agrees with us generally, and I honk I've finally got everyone convinced that if we do. Otho g and something happens to that little girl, we are all just as culpable as C. But he said (about reporting the abuse and also what he did to J) "we all need to remember, we are likely ruining a man's life.". I get that and I don't want that, but A is more important. She doesn't have a Choice to help herself like C does. He has a lot of resources he refuses to use. P suggested that we approach this as letting them know that they have a spouse on base, ex-army himself, who is in real trouble and is going to explode, cannot handle his parental responsibilities, cannot control his anger, even towards his daughter, threatens violence and suicide, and has a ton of firearms. I think that would be okay, as long as we inform them of everything we know re: his treatment and neglect of A. He told me he wante help but couldn't get it for this or that reason. He was full of BS, but he did express to me he needs help, so here it is. I think part of the problem is that the army knows all about his service and discharge and can easily look up whether he was in combat, so there is no BSing them, using that as an excuse for his anger and treatment of A, if he is lying about it. And if he was not lying, and somehow was I combat, and does have that issue, then they have a ton of resources to help them. And I find it extremely hard to believe they would limit therapy to do many months at a time (he said he can go back till november) for someone experiencing PTSD from combat. I looked up the benefits for military spouses and retired military, and there didn't seem to b a limit on behavioral health services, but I don't know that I found everything. But een so, he could get lifetime free therapy, I understand for being retired military, and I know when he got his medical discharge (for shin splints), he got lifetime military medical benefits as part of his discharge.

I feel like I have more of a handle on things now., but am anxious to take action because as you said , it just takes one time of him losing control in anger or not watching her.

That is an interesting thought about the nightmares and A. I will talk to Linda about it and ponder it myself. You may be right, ecause I am extremely sensitive to those who are without protection or even those who are picked on and can't or won't defend themselves. But I did have nightmares before I went up there or knew anything about the situation with C and A. But maybe that is perpetuating them. Plus - the thing with J really disturbs me. It's downright creepy, and considering her history of sexual abuse, of which C is well aware, I think it was especially cruel. T and S don understand why J just didn't yell or run away from C. But I understand totally. I understood when she was explaining what happened and how she felt and froze and thought she might be overreacting and questioned her gut. I don know why, since my experience was not with someone I knew or trusted or loved. But I totally get it. It makes me so sad that this happened, it traumatized not only J, but her twin and her older sister, too, and their 12 year old cousin who walked in on it and walked in on her cousins discussing it. We were all there. It happened right there, and they felt they coul not come to us. They need to know we will protect them, although we didn't protect j. The 12 year old cried evey night after that and said Shea's scared. That's totally unlike her. But her mom thought she was scared because she overheard us or her parents discussing C's treatment of A, and she saw it first hand and saw C's fits of anger.

So the thing with J is not helping m nightmares, either, I think.

S
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

It's great that you got the pictures printed off Facebook and the words C said. It offers real proof to back up what you are reporting. And the more proof, the better (as you already know!).

You may also want to consider having one of your group contact A's doctor and report what you all saw. The doctor will not be able to say anything back to you, but he/she could be extra careful about examining A. If they find anything, they are mandated reporters so you would have yet another person to back you all up.

You are right, A's life is much more important than a "man's reputation". And if he cared so much about his reputation, he would not be abusing her in front of everyone and printing his abuse on line for all to see.

The situation with J is also disturbing. And I can see how you could relate to what she felt. I agree that it could be contributing to your nightmares since her feelings are so close to yours from the attack.

Although the situation is distressing, I think what you are doing is very admirable. You are helping these children and being an advocate for them. They seem to have no one else. What you are doing is heroic. God really did put you in the right place at the right time :) These kids are blessed to have you.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yeah, right. So Garbo haven't helped A a bit.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay, I didn't understand your last post.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oops. I can't type very well on my phone. :) I was saying that so far I hadn't helped The child at all. But we ended up all meeting last night and have a plan. I'll tell you about it in. New thread.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ok, see you on the new thread.

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