How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Steven Olsen Your Own Question

Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Steven Olsen is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

what should I do? My husband is still in love with the woman

Resolved Question:

what should I do? My husband is still in love with the woman he had an affair with.He ended it when I got pregnant with our 2nd child.His actions are always listening to songs about missing you...someday we will be together...also during TV shows he closes hiis eyes and looks like he is going to cry when the lovers share a secret kiss but cannot be together...also...my inner voice tells me too.He has denied any feelings for another!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

Perhaps a male perspective would help.

 

An emotional affair is just as real and as damaging as a physical one, perhaps more so. And, you now have seen both of these issues in your marriage.

 

Importantly, feelings such as those that you now have do not simply just appear out of the blue. There typically is a very good reason that you would feel (and fear) what you do at this moment, that your husband is still in love with another. In all truth, I doubt you are feeling these things about your husband because you have no reason to. You have been hurt by him, and that hurt is still very much a part of your marriage. And, as you suspect that it is unresolved, this hurt cannot heal. If there is any truth to what you feel right now your relationship cannot grow as another is in between you both. That feeling/person must be removed.

 

Affairs are beyond painful. They destroy trust, intimacy and honesty between a man and woman. They can be healed, but I have never seen one healed that did not seek out external support, most often professional. There is just too much complexity and pain present, and neither the man or women typically has the perspective needed to get this back on track.

 

Even if your husband will not go to counseling, I would highly suggest that you do. You need the unbiased perspective and emotional support, and I can tell from this question that you also need to work through what this affair did to you. it seems still very present. The self medicating with food and alcohol speaks to that, and this concerns me.

 

Although it may seem that he should be the focus as he is the one who had the affair, it is you that needs the ongoing emotional support, as you were the victim in all this and continue to be. Yes; he can change, but you need to be strengthened first, before going after this behavior on his part. Then, when supported and emotionally strong, you have a much better chance of working through what he is doing in your relationship. To do so now, it is too great a risk.

 

Ask your family doctor for a referral to a couples oriented therapist in your area. You do not need to go together as I mentioned, and best practice indicates that you need support first, before tackling him and his emotional affairs. You can recover from this but need to do so from a position of supported strength via an external counselor. Steven

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I must ask this...how do I make him love me not her?? I know I can't change his feelings...thus my plight!! I want to stay married and I want him to love me like he loves her but I know I am pretty much screwed on that one....I feel so very sad and like my life is pathetic...we have two beautiful children and I thank God for them but I want to have a real marriage...I am afraid he will divorce me when the kids are older . How does a therapist make my husband love me?
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

A therapist will make you aware of what he is doing to you, and how you respond to his behaviors. And, although no person can make another, love.... A good therapist can call a man to responsibility. Love, more than anything else, does not start as an emotion but as a choice and an action. It then turns to feelings.

But, the first step here, without doubt, it to help you feel better about yourself so that you can come at your husband in confidence and strength and without self doubt. For that will make you more able to say and do what is needed to call him to action. For he, not you, is the one who created this problem. He made a choice and now he must make other choices. But a man is more likely to love and stay in love with a confident woman than not...which is why counseling is so key. It also will help you deal with the "what if" pattern that has taken over your thoughts and it will help you stay in the present and fight for your marriage. Steven

Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience: More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Steven Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions