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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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Hello: Im looking for someone to put something in better

Resolved Question:

Hello:

I'm looking for someone to put something in better perspective/advice.

My boyfriend (or whatever he is to me now), is a heroin addict. I didn't know he was an addict when I met him. He never told me. I didn't find out until he relapsed.

I went through the whole terrible, awful things you go through with in addict: the lies, sneaking around, him stealing, etc. I made the decision to stay because not only did I love him, I wanted to help and believed he could recover because he has in the past.

After several attempts, he finally went to detox then rehab (mainly to avoid jail, but nonetheless, he went). Unfortunately, he ended being taken out of rehab and put in jail for 5 months (3 different jails: third degree theft, violating probation, and drug possession).

I still stuck it out with him and visited him in Jail. I tried to be as supportive as I could (I also attended Nar-a-non meeting and ran a few meetings, too).

Now he is out of jail, and with his parents 13 hours away, and slowly, the communication has dwindled, and I don't know why. I doesn't answer the phone, doesn't call back, answer texts (I'll get a random text here and there, but that's it). I'm really getting angry, and at the same time I'm sad (he also informed me that he used my address for his unemployment and social security card without my consent I might add, which made me mad). I told him he needed to change it, which he never did (little does he know, I sent the unemployment pay stubs back to the post office).

I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong here...I'm so confused...thanks for reading...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I hope to be of some assistance to you; this is a very painful situation for you, no doubt... you gave so much of yourself, dedicated yourself to helping someone who sadly, has sociopathic tendencies. No doubt, you are feeling very used... and trying to make sense of it all. How long has this relationship been going on?


 

Customer:

3 years yesterday

Customer:

sociopathic?

Customer:

what exactly does that mean?

Heidi LPC :

What I mean is that someone who can lie and use your address and only seems to be out for himself... the addiction part is combined with kind of a more selfish need to take care of himself and only himself.


 

Heidi LPC :

It is a tough spot to be in. The best question you can ask yourself right now is what were you getting from being a help to him? Was there anything that you got in return from being so supportive of him?


 

Customer:

no...

Customer:

but I believed in him and thought he would recover

Customer:

has in the past although he has also relapsed...he stopped going to meetings BEFORE I met him

Customer:

I knew nothing about this when I met him

Heidi LPC :

I believe that you did, and when you asked "I'm just trying to figure out what I am doing wrong here?" it makes me want to know why you would even think that you have done anything wrong? It certainly doesn't seem like you did by trying to help someone who seemed to need help...


 

Customer:

on the outside looking in I didn't do anything wrong

Heidi LPC :

You loved him and tried to be a support to him...


 

Customer:

but something went wrong...have no idea...we spoke on 4th of July...and the communication after that got minimal...I know he has a court date coming up and was concerned about going back to jail..but I still think he could at least talk to me

Customer:

yes

Customer:

the problem is I'm emotionally attached...and I am freaking out because he won't take my calls, won't return my calls, texts me and there, and it hurts

Customer:

I just needed to talk about it...he seems bent out of shape because I asked him to not use my address anymore for his unemployment...

Customer:

but I know I did the right thing...and everything I did...visited him in jail (I had better things to do with my time) for 5 months, took him to meeting 3 times a week for 2 months...

Customer:

and just be there for him...this is a slap in the face

Customer:

I guess I should've known better...but was blinded by emotion..now I'M the only who is hurt which makes me angry...

Heidi LPC :

This is the part where you have to take the focus off of him, and turn it onto you. You have to ask yourself what you really want your life to look like, and rather than focusing on someone else and their issues to be able to dedicate some time to finding out what you want, what you need, and what you value in a relationship.


 

Heidi LPC :

You can only control yourself in life, and to look for the lesson in situations like these. What did you learn about yourself?


 

Heidi LPC :

Allowing someone else to pull your strings for you, to have power over you like this, will only weaken you. Take that power back. Forgive your vulnerability in this case, and know that you didn't cause him to be an addict or to continue down an unhealthy path. He chose that for himself. You will now choose health for yourself.


 

Customer:

I learned to be more assertive and take a stand with him (learned this through nar-a-non, which interestingly, he encouraged me to go)...

Customer:

I have to get to a point that I will be ok without him (which in a way, I have been without him)

Customer:

between him and his mother, I was used

Customer:

his mother would call me constantly if she could not get in touch with him

Customer:

this went on for 5 months, and one time, I just didn't get back to her...I was so drained, and she took it personally, and said really nasty things to me on voicemail, texts, and facebook, and wouldn't talk to me...

Heidi LPC :

Exactly. Loving yourself is the first and foremost thing to learn in this life. What others think of you is secondary. This is your opportunity.


 

Customer:

I just want to be done..

Heidi LPC :

It is a choice you can make whenever you are ready...


 

Customer:

just out of curiosity...do heroin addicts ever learn to recover?

Customer:

are you still there?

Heidi LPC :

Co-dependence isn't a healthy state to be in... you probably learned about it in your class... and the rate of recovery can be around 70% according to one study, with the help of treatment and therapy. But, the person is the one who has to want to recover. And it is a tough road to go down for someone who just fell in love with the addict, not a parent or sibling of one...


 

Heidi LPC :

To me, what you are losing isn't equal to what you could gain in a healthier, more stable relationship.


 

Heidi LPC :

Another study says closer to 50% recovery rate... those aren't great stats...


 

Customer:

no they are not

Customer:

and he isn't doing anything for his recovering right now

Heidi LPC :

To go back to your initial question, you have done nothing wrong. But the choice is now either you focus on him, or on you. I vote you!! ;-)


 

Customer:

I have not choice...he won't communicate with me...I have no idea why either...

Heidi LPC :

Well, maybe the old saying that things happen for good reason... maybe somewhere, somtime long from now, it will become clear. And until then, you can just turn your energy and attention inwards and take good care of you... comfort yourself... nurture yourself... grieve the loss and slowly accept it... and then Mr. Right might just appear at your door ;-)


 

Heidi LPC :

We cannot change anyone's thoughts or behaviors... and not knowing what is going on is a challenge. Distract yourself as much as you can, spend time with people you love and force yourself to do things to take you out of your own head... it will take some time, but you can choose to learn from this and make you stronger in the end.


 

Heidi LPC :

You are worth the effort to care for you right now... and the future will slowly make itself clear. Try your best to just trust the journey for right now.


 

Heidi LPC :

I hope you found our chat somewhat helpful; I am going to have to go offline right now, but I truly wish you the best as you move through this complicated situation. You sound like a caring and kind person; I hope you don't ever take that quality for granted or think that you are wrong for trusting. The world would be a much nicer place if more people did!!


 

Heidi LPC :

Let me know if you'd like to chat further; you can access this chat again and we can continue the discussion if you'd like. I wish you the very best; take good care!! :-)


 

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks for your reply...so, I am struggling with the hurt...this is very hard for me and I do not know why...I don't understand why he kept in touch as if everything was ok, and now I hear nothing....unless it was all lies?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I wish life didn't toss these types of complicated relationships our way, but it sure is a way to grow and gain wisdom & strength. This whole thing is saying tons about who he is; and when someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them. Get angry. Stand up for your rights as a person, and refuse to allow yourself to be a victim of someone who is treating you this way. He deserves none of your energy, thoughts or tears. It is up to you to decide to see him for who he really is, and to look toward your future instead of the past! You can do it!! :-)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think that may be part of my problem...I am still stuck in the past of whom I thought he was...and as ridiculous as it sounds, I'm worried if he found someone else...
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
And if that is a fact, and he is so cowardly to just abandon you without any explanation, this shows you who he is... again. Keep that in the forefront of your mind! No one deserves such disrespect!

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