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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
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Hey Kate................................

Customer Question

Hey Kate................................
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey! Green better than gray, eh?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Online is green, offline is grey! (On your profile :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I had no idea! They don't show the experts what you see.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ah! How does it show that I'm online/offline?- you do know, right?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Yes, it says offline or online. No lights for me! :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Mores the shame! What a bore. Be back with an excuse for a post (ie not terribly interesting today) shortly Smile
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Not interesting can be good! Talk to you soon.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just had an SOS to the garden, galloping fly crazed pony dashing past my window! Had to sew up his rug again in the half light and he's broken through the fencing AGAIN Must be full moon. Sorted as best I can til tomorrow. Won't be long....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
OK, back with post....

I'm glad I work Mondays now, done and dusted quickly, not that I dislike working with Alexis, it's just tedious and my head is usually in a spin. I was quiet most of the morning til her mum asked how things were progressing, and we talked a lot about A's father bc he was an alcoholic, but not abusive at all. She was asking me if I could work extra shifts at the end of the month, and I said yes to begin with bc I wanted the extra money to put away, but then I thought it would be better not to stress myself any more if I don't have to, so I changed my mind, said not while things are so uncertain. Which was fine. We went to pilates, she has a new instructor who is also a physio, and is taking alot of interest in her, which is great. I get a free session out of it, well I can only do half the exercises bc of having to support A, but I can do some mat work which A can do unaided. It's a bit much for me at the moment, too sore, but a little movement will be better than none at all.


I whizzed through tea and chores, D home, sober, then went to my parents to collect a letter that had arrived there from the police domestic abuse unit. Remember a while ago I told you I had lots of different numbers on my mobile for various services, women’s aid etc?- well, now I have a whole bunch more! I’ll go through my phone and get rid of those that I wouldn’t ring, and make sure I have those that I would ring, like those that Ziggy gave me last week, and now Helen the civilian officer I spoke to last week, but she has given me my area numbers, so it would mean speaking to someone new, though she said I was welcome to phone to speak to her again. She also sent me some leaflets about other services, a charilty called Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE- clever eh?), which I guess is along the same lines as that which Ziggy works for, and Exeter Women’s Aid that runs a pattern changing course, which aims to ‘break the cycle of abuse’ and ‘break patterns of behaviour which lead to returning to a partner or entering into another abusive relationship. It covers these areas...~rights of all human beings, ~impact of abuse on women and their families, ~why is it so hard to leave, ~setting boundaries and ending old patterns, ~ understanding and dealing with feelings such as grief, guilt and fear, anger, ....and the last 3 specially for me .....assertiveness training and learning to adopt assertive behaviour, planning future goals and learning how to make decisions, and how to form healthy relationships. My Psychiatrist wanted me to attend a pattern changing course a year ago, and I emailed the appropriate service, but had no reply. I wish I’d followed it up, it could have been beneficial, but maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now, and this is a better place (well, it will be one day I hope). The service Ziggy works for runs pattern changing courses, but I think they are without funds at the moment. I shall ask her this week.


D seems not to be here, I guess he is only in one place, he has nowhere else to go, Mark is away -he has been pressuring me to go visit him again like last time. Part of me wants to have a bit of respite, a bit of TLC, but I’m afraid I will be caught, trapped again. He still ‘loves me’ hugely. He texted to say come, I replied not safe to, I couldn't take the stress either.


I’m going to pack my bag tomorrow, for me and the kids, I must do it, take steps just in case. I wonder when I will hear that the courts have sent out the Decree Nisi. .....


H Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello again,

When I went to collect my letter from my parents their neighbours were there, and I stopped for a quick chat. I said I'd been with alexis today, and she said that reminded her that thy went to an opening ceremony for a hall somewhere locally, and that the granddaughter of AA Milne was there (Christopher Robin's daughter), who live not far from here. Anyway, she is disabled, in a wheelchair, and has carers 24/7. I was interested to read a little about her, wondered how she was afflicted (severely physically), so I googled her, found some photos, but little else. There seemed to be many Clare Milnes, lines of photos of different faces. I was intrigued, and googled me! Hilary...... Wright (hey, I could be La Trobe again, much more interesting!), it was quite scary to see me at the bottom of page 3!


Anyway, must sleep, Goodnight Kate,


H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
H Rose (or Ms. Wright ; )

It's good that you got your work done with Alexis and over with. And you set boundaries with the amount of work you can do with her. You have a full plate already and don't need to talk more on until you feel ready.

I do recall you talking about the numbers you had for emergencies and other contacts. There was a time you were collecting a lot of them! It's good that you get them all sorted so if you do need to call someone, you are not overwhelmed.

The pattern changing course sounds very appealing. It is something that is specific to abusive situations, which along with the support you would get and being with others who are in the same type of situation would help a lot. And the topics they cover are at the heart of the abusive situation. I hope that you are able to find a way to join the group. Let me know how it goes.

It's sad that Mark is still bothering you. He reminds me of Dave, not respecting boundaries. It is not something you need to have to deal with right now. And if Mark really cared about you, he would not want to add to your stress. He would want you to be happy.

I did not know that about AA Milne's granddaughter. I will have to take a peek myself to see what I find. And also take a look for that Hilary girl you mentioned too.... :)

I won't be on JA most of the day tomorrow (much running to do). I will check in during the morning and later in the evening. I hope your day goes well. You have K tomorrow, right?

Good night, H Rose! Sleep well.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,


day off today!- I had visions of you running a marathon- I know it can feel like that sometimes, especially when you have an extended bunch! :)


I was supposed to talk with my care coordinator today as our phone appointment was cut short by Sam's needs last week. I tried to call but got her answerphone and was too afraid to call again bc our time was up. I emailed her the letter that I wrote to my GP last week bc I wanted to talk about what to do about D and his issues (I know there isn't much that can be done without his consent and willingness anyway, it's just I'm taking the blame for not seeing to his obvious needs)


I won't keep you, just want to stay in touch today, no questions. I don't think Adam wants to give me another sub so I will have to start watching my spending. I feel sad that I haven't been able to give you a bonus since I've been off my sub, but please know that you deserve one everyday ;)


Ms, yes, from now on, no more mrs, yeah. There has been no wedding ring on my finger for years (I have syndactylism -webbed digits to you!! toes mostly but slightly of fingers, means I can't keep a ring on my finger, I've lost several, so gave up!)


It's very peaceful at home, the dogs are resting, I have an hour and a half before Poppy gets home, so I'm going to have a sleep.


Have a great day with the kids. I am seeing K tonight, another reason for a rest, I'll be back for goodnights :)

H Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I hope you've had a very nice day and are not too exhausted! I had a 3 hour on and off nap this afternoon and coped much better this evening with K bc of it. I went to my parents (kept them up I think!) My session was here there and everywhere, so much going on, I don't know how I'd manage with 50 mins, we talked for 2 hours and 45.


Best sleep now, talk tomorrow

Goodnight lovely Kate,


H Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

H Rose,

It feels so great to sit down and talk with you! What a day. Very busy, lots of people, noise and activity. I had fun but I am glad to be back. My feet are killing me!

I am sorry to hear that you missed your connection with your care coordinator. I am interested in what she has to say about Dave's needs.

That is cool about your webbed toes and some fingers. Does it cause you any trouble, besides lost rings :(

That is one long session with K! I hope you are feeling better and K was able to help sort out some things.

Sorry about the subscription. I was hoping that would work for you. Thank you for saying what you did. I am happy just to talk with you.

Good night, H Rose. I missed you today!

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

you make me feel good :) I'm glad you had a good day with all those kids (how many cousins?)


My webs? Not really any trouble, apart from 'yucks' from Poppy! But I like my little toes, they are just very little. But my fingers barely notice unless I splay my fingers, and then it's only between 3rd & 4th. I do have trouble with gloves though, especially surgical gloves, but I can still wear them, just don't fit too well!!


Sam has his driving test today, he is going to drive me in, then he has a lesson, then test. I really hope he passes, he will be so down and angry if he doesn't.



The papers have arrived from the court this morning, I picked up the post from the mat. He was still here but I couldn’t give them to him before he went to work. He needed my help with some business debt stuff that I normally deal with, he will be in such a mess without me. I don’t feel good, but I have to do it, don’t I?


Back later with a Q


H Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

H Rose,

 

I hope Sam does well! I think he will. He had a good teacher :)

 

There are two cousins, both teens. So we had five kids all together. Four are teens then I have my little guy who is 8. And three adults. Not a huge crew, but enough to make it a job to keep track of everyone. All the teens run to and fro with much impulse!

 

I'm sorry about the papers. This is hard to do, even if it is something that needs done. That doesn't make it easy. It's really a rock and a hard place. Not doing it would leave you in the marriage dealing with Dave's abuse, maybe even worse than before since he would know that the divorce won't happen. And going through with it hurts and is difficult on you. He may react badly and coping with all of that is horrible. So you have no real easy options. And it's understandable that you don't feel good about it. If there is a way to give him the papers while you are with others who can protect you, that may help. Or if you can't, be ready to call for help. You might be able to get him out of the home at the same time you give him the papers, saving you and the kids from the potential that he will spend the next several days abusing you all. And he may dig in his heels now that he knows he can't weasel out of this situation. It may help to contact some of your supports to talk this through and mentally prepare first before you let him have the papers. That way, you don't feel alone and you have had time to think through your responses to the situation.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Kate,

it won't allow me to accept your answer, could you transfer to the new thread for accepting please. Does it matter if it is left unrated then?


I told Sam the letter had come for D from the courts (once home from FAILING his driving test :(, not a happy lad). He asked if I could wait until tomorrow to give it to him bc he has company tonight. I didn't really want to, but thought I would leave it on the table for him to find when I'm out at AA's, I'll be back before he goes to work, so he can rant at me then, but then we have the rest of the day apart, if he goes to work and not to bed as is his way. And tomorrow night he'll have band practice, so he can talk to Barry about me, and hopefully not get drunk on his way home from work. But then again, he may well do.


I'll be back in a little while, supper to dish up


H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

H Rose,

Sorry about that. I need to answer at least every so often, after a certain point. Unrated should be ok.

I am sorry to hear that Sam didn't pass his test. I imagine he is feel pretty down. But now that he knows what the test is like, he should do better next time.

I hope it does go well tomorrow with Dave. It can't be easy dealing with this at all.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Kate,

would it be OK if we talked under 'relationships' from tomorrow? I am feeling conspicuous, maybe for no reason, just wish we could talk privately, every now and again I'm writing and I think the whole world can read this, I shouldn't be saying this or that, I'm giving too many details etc. Insecure. Worrying.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

I understand. Yes, I'm willing to talk in any category you wish to. Relationships is public too though, just so you know. All of JA is. Sorry about that. We can do anything you need to do to make you feel more comfortable. Just let me know.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
I feel bad because I understand how you feel. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know.

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