I think you are right when you say I feel the need to be "taken care of". My father died when I was 4 yrs old, my mom raised my sister and I by herself and always complained about not enough money, don't be wasteful, no we can't do this or that we can't afford it. But I think it conveyed the message that I was always waiting for the bottom to fall out and we would have to move or she would send me away to foster care like she did with my sister when she became out of control as a teenager. I was always a "good girl" so she wouldn't send me away.
The men I have chosen have all been 100% different except for one thing, they are all workaholics. I've always had a comfortable+ life, but my needs aren't being met in other areas. We never travel, never do what I want to do. So the simple answer is find a girlfriend and go anyway.....well, they won't let me. They are jealous and controlling. They don't appear that way in the beginning, it comes out later. If I suggest I'm going out somewhere, who is going to be going, when am I going to be home, are there other men going? This last relationship is the worst, and it's turned into severe emotional abuse which has excalated into physical 3 times. He downplays his role, says the issues we have have nothing to do with him. It's my problem that I'm not happy, it's not him, it's me. Maybe so, but I can't solve it alone. We've been to counselling for weeks at at time, with 3 different counsellors each time, so I've tried to work on this one. There was a severely disabled child in the middle of this relationship and I thought that once she moved out things would get better, but it's hasn't, it's just "different". I am a flirty girl, very extroverted, very outgoing, upbeat, fun, and sexually expressive. They all love it in the beginning, show off their prize, enjoy the attention. The problem is about 3 yrs into it, they stifle me, stop drawing attention, put on something different, no we aren't going out tonight, no you can't go with Suzy, guys might hit on you. I don't have fun anymore, I don't do anything, I'm always working, no vacations, no days off. I suffer from depression really bad, so the constant arguing at home, no outside friends and activities slowly brings it on to the point where I'm so depressed, I can't stand life anymore...........and rightly so. No one wants to be someone's servant in life.
I have an appt with a reputable counsellor ALONE next week. I want to find out why I keep repeating this pattern. I went to see someone years ago by myself and he said I was a fool to stay in this relationship as long as I have. He couldn't not understand where my lack of confidence stems from as I appear bright and strong willed on the outside, but a terrified mouse on the inside. The men I choose appear completely different, but they must have similar traits that I'm choosing. Why do I have this need "to be with someone". I've always worked, always earned a decent wage, but I have no formal education, so I feel I can't make it alone, I need the security of "being taken care of" eventhough, it's obvious.......I take care of everyone else, except me.