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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate. I will make some calls to the chaplain and to childrens

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate. I will make some calls to the chaplain and to children's services in his county tomorrow. I talked to C' sister again today and their mom was there and she said for the sister not to try to take A because it would cause problems in the family. I flippe out. I told her I couldn't believe she was willing to sacrifice her granddaughter's safety and well being toaintaon harmony in the family, which isn't there anyway. She said if need be, he would take her, but I don't think she would. She is pretty selfish, too. You are right that she hasn't been overly involved - because C is so nasty and their apt is a pigsty and she doesn't like goin there. She sai that she thinks C is just manipulative and did all these things in order for her to take A for a while so he didn't have to take care of her. I don't agree at all. I'm afraid she would use that excuse not to take A. I told her over and over that it was not my intention for her to take A right now at all. I would be responsible for her. But she wants to, she said. It is amazing how much different A is w/o her dad. She has not asked for him once. She has been talking now - repeating what we say. She understands when I say "no" and when she stops and I tell her what a good girl she is, she smiles so big. This morning we had a little church service here at the cabin, and she was dancing and clapping. So much happier. Anyway, I will make those. Apps when I get back to abq tomorrow. I don't think there is much chance of C changing his mind and coming to get her. It's aXXXXXand he is lazy. Plus - you would t believe how his demeanor changed when he was convinced we actually wanted to take her with us. He was so much happier and was telling me how he could go to the gun range when he got back, since he won't have her, how he could do this and that ... I think he is glad not to have her. But you're right - it may dawn on him at some point that I may have another motive. The thing is - as soon as I call someone and they start checking into things, there is no chance of him letting her come back, if they don't remove A. Scary. But at least someone there will be checking in on them, right?I don't think either his sister or his mom will try to get custody in the long run. I think that if she is removed and the option is to have a family member take her or put her in foster care, they would. But what will happen to her if nobody steps up? They won't let me take her. I'm not even related. And p is 65. Did you adopt? Was it this kind of situation? I want to help her but I'm so scared of making things worse for her. At least if I do it alone, maybe he won't isolate her from his whole family. I agree that the telling stirred things up. I think I'm coping okay. It's just emotional when I have nightmares. P is there. We shared a room this week. But she is so tired and having suh a rough time, I don't want to burden her with my stuff. I wasn't originally going to have an appointment w/ Linda until Thursday, but I was so upset this past Monday, I went ahead and made an appointment tomorrow, and thought I'd just make sure I got back in time. I'm glad. I want to talk to her. I wan to see what she wants to go over from her notes. I also will bring what I wrote last week. I may ask to read it to her instead of her reading it, because I hate when she reads stuff in front of me and comments, and I don know what part she's talking about. Mostly I just want to go there where I am comfortable and cry. I feel it building up and I haven't been alone since Wednesday early afternoon. It's pathetic that I feel so much like crying nowadays, but it is what it is, I guess. Well, I'll talk to you later. We are leaving tomorrow morning, thankfully.--- morning -- change of plans. C's Mother & sister want us to take her as soon as we get home. I said that's fine. It wasn't my intention to put off responsibility on someone else. So .... We'll see how this goes. :) I've never taken care o a child this young for more than a day :)
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hi Shay, be right back!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Sorry about that. Had to deal with something first but I didn't want your question to sit.

It sounds like A's family has a lot of dysfunction in it. I doubt that little girl is safe with any of them (maybe the sister but even then how much attention would she get) and the father would still have access to her if she was with family. I doubt they would stop him from hurting her if they did witness it.

I think the father has made that child's life miserable. She probably has no bond with him because of how he treats her. Most kids, even if they are abused, still have some bond with their parents. But it sounds like he leaves her on her own so much that she has learned to be independent and rely on others to help her. That is not a good sign. It means that she would probably wonder off with anyone that approached her. And she may not be able to discriminate people who intend her harm from those who do not.

Child protective agencies vary so much from place to place that it is hard to tell if she would be checked on by anyone even if this is reported. But it's really the only avenue to keeping her safe. And getting other people involved as well. The more agencies and people that know about what you witnessed and P witnessed over the past few days, the better. Tell everyone what you saw, be willing to make a report (and see if P will do the same, or anyone else that was there) and keep calling until you get someone who cares. If you know any lawyers that handle adoptions and family law, you may want to ask them for advice too.

I did go through the process to adopt and was a foster/adoptive parent for a few years. But the system is so broken that I could not go through with it. I was lied to and manipulated a lot. I changed agencies and even that did not help. And it was such a strain on my kids (they kept crying every time we thought we had a child and didn't get to keep them) that I gave it up. I wish I could have adopted but I guess it wasn't meant to be. There is a lot of meetings, paperwork, house checks, health screenings and clearances you have to complete before you can adopt. It is definitely worth it if you intend on sticking with it though. Most kids do have disabilities and come to you with a lot of issues. But as long as you are careful, it can turn out great.

I hope your session with Linda goes well. I am glad you feel you can cry there and show your feelings. Being with everyone this past week and dealing with A's situation has to have added to your stress level. Let me know how your appointment goes.

Have a safe trip back!

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am heartbroken. C did as you suspected. He stayed in abq and decided to take A home. I think it didn't help that his mom called this morning and complained because A didn't sleep well last night. But he also told his mom that he was afraid if he left her here he'd never get her back We thought maybe I could change his mind. I called him several times from the road. His mom and sister had left an hour earlier than us with the little ones. He said he trusts me, but he misses her and these few days have been too long without her. He said we could plan for in a few weeks or he was planning to let her come while his mom was on her break (late August). I couldn't change his mind and by the time I got back here, he was gone with her.

Also, after his mom & sister had left, before we left this morning, we were told that the teenagers spilled info yesterday at lunch. They had been hiding it and didn't want to ruin the memorial. P's niece L (my good friend, office manager at old firm) has 3 daughters - 20, and twins who just graduated from HS & turned 18 2 weeks ago. Their dad went to jail for 10 yrs in AZ for molesting the oldest and no surprise, it has since come out that he messed the twins as well. He just got out of prison 6 months ago. Obviously they have no contact w/ him. Anyway, they were swimming in the pond and one of the twins ("J") had come up to change out of her swimsuit & C was the only one upstairs. He told her to come in the room where he was. He told her he needed some "cuddles" and them grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him an said something about "nibbling her up" then said "I better close the door. I don't want to get in more trouble." then the 12 year old cousin came upstairs and he let J go.

What do we do with this? And now he has A. I don't feel I should wait a few weeks to see if I can take her to do anything. Everyone is kind of looking to me for what to do about confronting him about J, calling children's services, calling police, telling his mom & sister about J. If they tell D (c' mom, she will say K is lying and tell c everyone is out to get him).

This did not work out as planned. :( I am so worried.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

I am sorry to hear that this didn't work out. That is heartbreaking. At this point, someone needs to report this man. If he is hurting other children, that also needs to be reported. I would call the Children's services and the police. It's not fair that this falls on you, but if you can find other's to report with you, like the mom of the teens, then it can put more urgency behind your report. He sounds like a terrible person, preying on children as he does.

I will also pray about this situation.

Just to let you know, I will be here in the early am then later on in the evening. I didn't want you to think I wasn't answering if you post a question tomorrow!

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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