How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr John B Your Own Question

Dr John B
Dr John B, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 557
Experience:  PhD in Clinical Psychology, registered clinical psychologist.
40845682
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr John B is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I feel desperate... I am 37 divorced and three children, one

Customer Question

I feel desperate... I am 37 divorced and three children, one w special needs that requires constant time and attention. I have a boyfriend who has a very
My boyfriend has a very strong personality and at times controlling .I had an eating disorder when I was 12 and it in the last 6 months re-appeared. Because of my eating disorder my birth control pills were not absorbed. I am now 8 weeks pregnant. He is livid and expecting me to get an abortion in two days. I cannot picture having an abortion but I cannot picture having another child. I know he is the innocent victim ( he has expressed from the very beginning) that he never wanted more children, always checked that I was taking my pills, etc. I told him I need a break that I have to think about everything. He keeps pushing me into saying and confirming that I will go through this on Monday. Also, he keeps telling me not to tell ANYONE and keeps checking on me that I haven't. What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

I'm very sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in. Obviously no-one can really tell you what to do in this situation but I can help you to clarify the situation and decisions you must make so that you can make a decision. Can I ask you firstly if having an abortion is at all an option for you? You mention that you can't see it happening but does this mean that in no way would you proceed with that choice or just that this is an option you doubt you could take?

I should make it clear straight away that I have no moral stance on abortion either way and therefore am very comfortable discussion any option with you.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Having three children and one with special needs - I don't want to but I can see the logic and practicality of not having another child. I went to catholic grade school, catholic highschool and catholic college so I am conflicted in that way too if I do I hope God would understand. My boyfriend says it will ruin his life if I continue on. Again I now it's all my fault so I am trying to do what's in the best interest for everyone
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

I can fully appreciate the ambivalence you must be feeling over the dilemma you are presented with. Without making a decision do you know whether it would be possible for you to make a decision either way? I'm pushing this line of questioning as it is important to clarify straight away whether there is actually a decision to be made here or whether it is more a situation of working out to accept a particular course of action and communicate this to those around you.

Also, this is not a situation where blame should be portioned out. You have unfortunately had a complication with your birth control medication that has lead to this situation.

If you put aside everyone else's needs for a moment, what do you want?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
In a perfect world I would want time to stand still or my boyfriend to accept this but that is not possible...so I guess that what's best for all is for me not to have it-- I know this complicates it but my ex said if I wanted to keep it he would take care of it and me ( he has always wanted me back) I constantly feel controlled and manipulated by my boyfriend whereas I am not in love my ex but he is my best friend. Sorry even if this is conflicted... I am leaning towards not having it. I hope I didn't ramble but answered your question.
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

You do not need to apologize to anyone for feeling conflicted about this situation. You express yourself well and if you r gut feeling is that it wouldn't be appropriate to have the baby then perhaps that is the decision you should make. I know you have spoken with your sister and ex but perhaps it would be good to discuss this in detail with a person who does no t have a personal connection to you. Have you considered meeting with a counselor?

From what you have written is sounds as thought perhaps you have already made a decision but are finding it hard (understandably) to accept that decision?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Your responses are making me feel not so alone...I have tried calling numerous places but nobody has Saturday hours or the few that do I have tried to call but can only leave a message and time us not on my side. There is an appt set up for Monday and my boyfriend says that that us the only thing that is allowing him any sanity. And to some extent I feel like I owe him that because he was so emphatic and careful about not having more children....he trusted me that I was taking responsibility and I told him I was.
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

I'm glad it helps to chat here. You were taking responsibility for birth control but there was an unfortunate interaction with pre-existing eating difficulties. It's very easy to use hindsight and apportion blame but really this seems like an unfortunate accident to me. Can I ask you bluntly...have you made the decision to go ahead with the procedure?

Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

This resource my be of help over the next couple of days if you don't have access to any support services near home http://www.careconfidential.com/Onlineadvisor.aspx . I haven't had any involvement with this service so I can't make a recommendation but they appear to be able to provide online counseling specifically for pregnancy and abortion related matters. I can see that their advisor's must have a minimum of 100 hours experience and from looking at the various client stories posted they appear to not hold any specific religious or politically stance on this matter. They are based in the UK but I see no reason why you couldn't use if you wanted to. I hope this is of some help. Please write back if you have further questions or wish to continue our conversation.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you again. I will check out for sure I guess I have a fork in the road either get this done and continue w boyfriend that may have contributed to my return of eating disorder or return to ex......I just want to feel free to do what I want yet is it fair to cause turmoil in someones life who never wanted this?
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

Whenever two people are engaged in a sexual relationship and use birth control there is ALWAYS a risk of unplanned pregnancy. No birth control technique is fail-safe and any adult who engages in a sexual relationship with another adult knows that there is a possibility of unplanned pregnancy. You are not causing your boyfriend turmoil the situation is. You both hold responsibility for the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy and that is what has occurred. By agreeing to be responsible for birth control you were at no stage giving him a 100% guarantee because you couldn't do that. It happens to be the case that sometimes when people become unwell while taking birth control measures that the birth control looses efficacy and an unplanned pregnancy occurs. It could have happened if you got sick in a variety of other ways as well.

By the way, have you been getting any treatment or support for the eating difficulty?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No not yet it's definitely on my priority....see he just called and started saying the same thing over and over that I did this just get it over with let's go to a concert and it's just not that easy for me..now my ex is very understanding and wouldn't do that... My boyfriend says I'm talking in a tone and like I always have to agree and say I'm sorry.. Yet now w getting my ex involved I feel like I'm letting him down.... Sad that I don't feel free to be me always living for others.
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.
It might be a good idea to try and just focus on what you want and making sure you communicate clearly with your boyfriend. If you are planning to have the abortion it might be a good idea to tell him so that he stops trying to persuade you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for all your help. I think it made me feel better especially from a male perspective that it's not a question of blame..I could go back and forth all day and that may be part if what I have to do. I am going to follow the link you suggested and you are definitely a credit to your profession. It would love it if you practiced in Michigan but I don't know where you are at. Anyway, a sincere heartfelt thank you- Margot
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

You are more than welcome Margot. Unfortunately I'm somewhat of a distance from Michigan - Sweden actually!!

I'm glad this has been of help to you. If you ever have questions in the future or if I can assist you in any way please don't hesitate to contact me. Best of luck!

Dr John B, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 557
Experience: PhD in Clinical Psychology, registered clinical psychologist.
Dr John B and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I just wanted to check in and see if everything went OK. If I can ever be of assistance in the future please don't hesitate to contact me.

Regards,

John
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your follow-up. I truly felt that your opinion and advice was genuine and heartfelt. I ended up not going through w the pregnancy and am having continous regret. I think either choice would present regrets yet not to this extent. I am seeing a counselor in Michigan to deal ith the self- imposed loss and to regain the happiness that I have lost from this relationship. Thank you again, I am not sure what I would have done if I didn't have someone to talk to at that moment.

Sincerely,
M
Expert:  Dr John B replied 2 years ago.

You are more than welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through something really, really tough right now. Please feel free to contact me if you ever require assistance.

I wish you all the best!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education