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Ask DrFee Your Own Question

DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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I have a lot of stress certainly 100 times more than the normal

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I have a lot of stress certainly 100 times more than the normal mom. I have many children I adopted and lost one in death a little more than a year ago and now it is worse, I have been taking prozak for years and my doctor doubled it but I still do not seem to handle myself correctly. I would rather stay in bed, I pick my feet and fingers til i bleed argumentive and short with the kids, how do I change this

DrFee :

Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.


 


 

DrFee :

The death of a child is extremely painful.


 

DrFee :

Have you tried therapy?


 

Customer:

no,

Customer:

I feel responcible I am also depressed with many situations that I ccan fix

Customer:

I have a appointment next week with a medical doctor but cant get out of bed to take care of my responcibilites

DrFee :

Yes, being depressed makes everything so much harder to do. Guilt and a sense of responsibility go along with it -- I think it will be really important to tell the doctor that the prozac seems to be ineffective --it's actually better to see a Psychiatrist --an MD who has a lot more experience treating depression than regular MDS


 

Customer:

I hate this just want to be there for my kids and I keep failing how does one just start changing while waiting for an appointment

DrFee :

But --I think therapy is important too --you need a place to talk through all of these issues --including how much stress you are under and if there's anyway to alleviate any of it --which I'm guessing may be impossible to see right now.


 


 

DrFee :

If you could change on your own, I'm sure you would --you can't make huge sweeping changes all at once. You can only start with the smallest thing possible --like making yourself get out of bed and do just one small task OR just spend the time playing with your kids.


 

DrFee :

Small things when you feel this way take big efforts, though.


 

DrFee :

So, you need to be gentle, compassionate, and patient with yourself.


 

Customer:

correct, I am the cando mom, I adopted 7 disabled kids and several have realy hard elments to deal with I feel like I am now good for nothin

DrFee :

Understandable, but statements like that will keep you down "good for nothing" --they will not help make any change.


 

DrFee :

It sounds like you could use some practical help too --with the kids.


 

Customer:

my feet are blleding from picking them and today my fingers are bleeding How can I change so this stops I do not want to cry I just want to make the world better and it is not working

DrFee :

It's very painful to be "sidelined." The picking is probably where you are putting in all of your emotional energy. Crying is much better. You are probably coming up against the truth that you are one person, and limited. You can only do so much, help so much, take so much stress.


 

Customer:

I have a little help but 2 of the kids I am the only one who can handle them and this is hard to do from bed

DrFee :

Yes --you can't do it from bed --the only thing you can do until you get some treatment is to try to force yourself for those tasks which no one else seem to be able to do.

DrFee :

Can someone just talk to you, support you as you do those things that they can't do?


 

DrFee :

Frankly, I'm not sure how you managed before you got depressed!


 

Customer:

i hate to cry I am stronger than that. I live in a seem like war zone, Everyone needs me but they all get unreasonable but still It is my job and Jessie died because I took a day off, so much pressure

Customer:

I am failing financially also

DrFee :

Crying is a release of tension, just like picking is --but it's less destructive (no bleeding). It has nothing to do with "strength," it just releases pressure and helps get emotions out. Are you saying that you believe that it's your fault that Jessie died?


 

Customer:

it is

Customer:

and i cant get passed it

Customer:

now I am failing everyone

DrFee :

accident?


 

Customer:

no very sick adopted her when she was 3 MD Retarded at age 19 she was in a chair no longer able to stand or walk treck on a resperator at night g- tube and I was her rock I took a doy off and 8 hors

Customer:

into my day off the nurse fell asleep and she died

Customer:

cant leave the kids now for even a minute

DrFee :

I see --I understand that you believe that this girl died because you weren't there to care for her -- a nurse was there. That sounds like a "natural" reaction/belief, but you can probably cognitively understand that as an outsider, I don't see it that way --that I do not blame you for her death. Does that make sense?


 


 

DrFee :

Me saying that is not going to change your mind --and that's not my intent right now.


 

DrFee :

However, what I do want you to see is that her death was traumatic, and in blaming yourself, you are going to have a difficult time getting better. What you would need to work on in therapy is the grieving, the trauma, and the blaming.


 

Customer:

she would not have died on my watch

DrFee :

I understand that --- BUT

DrFee :

You are a limited human being, as great as your capacities are, your can-do ness is, your love for these children is, you are still limited. A day off was not an unreasonable action.


 

DrFee :

There's a type of therapy called EMDR (www.emdr.com) that addresses traumatic events and beliefs about those events ---just as you are describing.


 

DrFee :

Her death is worth a thousand tears or more, in my mind ---


 

Customer:

but since them everything is harder I am not as good as a provider nurse etc. I have 1 daughter for example who is 17 and this will be spelt wrong skitsofrena afatia and MR She is escalating

DrFee :

Yes, it sounds like your grief is great. The other daughter --that's a very tough combination of conditions --you need some help.


 

Customer:

my other disa are married and so they moved in one cant find a job has a wife and kid the other works a little but has his wife here who tries to help I just do not know why I can not handle it all now I am falling apart and that is not helpful

Customer:

I just feel useless

DrFee :

I have an inperson client in a few minutes, but I don't feel like this is a good place for us to end this conversation. Would you be willing to continue at another point? Perhaps later tonight? You do not need to "accept" or "rate" right now, I would be very happy to continue with you. It sounds like you have "crashed" (not a technical term) and frankly, I think it's normal. It's going to be really tough to pick up and move forward, you are going to need a lot of support and help from multiple sources.


 

DrFee :

I apologize for needing to end --I thought by your question initially that we'd have enough time --like I said, if you are willing, I'd like to continue at another time.


 

Customer:

I will be here

Customer:

thank you

DrFee :

OK --great. I will return later tonight. You are welcome.


 

Customer:

I will keep checking for you

Customer:

thank you again

Customer:

While you were gone I tried to firm up my question , so here it is, I am failing at everything at this point I have to turn this around, I can not stay in bed, pick my fee and hands till bloody and stay in tuned to my kids and all their problems of which I am the answer for them. every day 13 people ask my help, me pay for things, my fix the problem make them better. I have had some social worker as well as doctors ask me why don't I give them back, r why did I take on so many. If someone else had wanted to adopt these kids I would not have had to so now I am getting older, I have failed Jessie and all seem to be caving in on me, I do I stop that.? It is true the nurse failed her but it was my job I failed and she needed me and I was not there, I can not forgive myself and yet I have to move on. how? I feel like such a failure and every decision I seem to make these days are wrong, and that is making me fo

Customer:

feel even more like a failure

Customer:

It appears that you are having difficulty getting back to me and I wanted you to know I appreciate your time. I will give your ratting and check back lter to see if you are on. Thank you very much.........

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