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Hey there! You are up late. I see that you are off line so I hope that means you are sleepy!
I am going to transfer your last post to here and answer it.
hello Kate,Oh dear, I hope my question went through bc now I can't find it. I had to cut some bc I'm only allowed 5000 characters! The rest is here...I've only listened to the first 15 minutes of the recording, that's enough for now. Today he hasn't said a word, been polite, and gone out this evening. My session with Adele was fine. We spent 15 minutes just chatting about the kids and holidays, Sam's 18th etc, then she said and how are you and Dave, and she said she watched a real transformation in me, as soon as she said that. I was clouded over and couldn't speak. She got up and found 2 pieces of material, a brightly coloured piece with flowers, and then a black piece. She said the bright piece represents me when I talk about the children, holidays, anything else, and the black piece is me when I have D in my head. That what he is, in my head, messing it up, confusing me, making me anxious, he's in there fusing all my spark plugs, my neurons and causing chaos in there. D talked of chaos, that I am putting our family into chaos. Poppy said 'this is chaos here and now!' He said no, but the world will be in chaos, and we don't need to be bc we have a self sufficient future here on this little patch of earth. Adele said the chaos is in D's own head, his fear of having to look after himself.Sorry to have to bring it over here to finish. They are trying to make things complicated!Talk laterH Rose
I think that Dave does respresent a lot of chaos in your life. Think of what he brings to your life: Yelling, bullying, threats, demands, extra work, less income, more responsibility, having to protect your kids, burden. I imagine that you could add a lot more to that list, maybe even change some of those things. But since you and I have known each other, those are the things I have noticed and even felt as you described your life with Dave.
There is no real way to know how to respond to someone who is abusive. Their behavior makes no sense. It is chaotic and overbearing. There is both a physical element and an emotional one. Confusion is the tool they use to keep you from understanding how to respond in a way to get your needs met. It is all about them and what they need. Take a normal family and put someone who is dysfunctional in there and watch the chaos ensue.
Having Dave in your life is going to always cause upset. That is why what you are doing is good with getting the divorce. People with personality disorders don't get well so the only way to cope is to get out.
I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. You have a lot to deal with and probably a lot on your mind. Let me know how you are if you get a chance.
Good night, H Rose.