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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5798
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate........................

This answer was rated:

Hi Kate........................

Hey there! You are up late. I see that you are off line so I hope that means you are sleepy!

I am going to transfer your last post to here and answer it.


hello Kate,

Oh dear, I hope my question went through bc now I can't find it. I had to cut some bc I'm only allowed 5000 characters! The rest is here...

I've only listened to the first 15 minutes of the recording, that's enough for now. Today he hasn't said a word, been polite, and gone out this evening. My session with Adele was fine. We spent 15 minutes just chatting about the kids and holidays, Sam's 18th etc, then she said and how are you and Dave, and she said she watched a real transformation in me, as soon as she said that. I was clouded over and couldn't speak. She got up and found 2 pieces of material, a brightly coloured piece with flowers, and then a black piece. She said the bright piece represents me when I talk about the children, holidays, anything else, and the black piece is me when I have D in my head. That what he is, in my head, messing it up, confusing me, making me anxious, he's in there fusing all my spark plugs, my neurons and causing chaos in there. D talked of chaos, that I am putting our family into chaos. Poppy said 'this is chaos here and now!' He said no, but the world will be in chaos, and we don't need to be bc we have a self sufficient future here on this little patch of earth. Adele said the chaos is in D's own head, his fear of having to look after himself.

Sorry to have to bring it over here to finish. They are trying to make things complicated!

Talk later

H Rose


H Rose,

I think that Dave does respresent a lot of chaos in your life. Think of what he brings to your life: Yelling, bullying, threats, demands, extra work, less income, more responsibility, having to protect your kids, burden. I imagine that you could add a lot more to that list, maybe even change some of those things. But since you and I have known each other, those are the things I have noticed and even felt as you described your life with Dave.

There is no real way to know how to respond to someone who is abusive. Their behavior makes no sense. It is chaotic and overbearing. There is both a physical element and an emotional one. Confusion is the tool they use to keep you from understanding how to respond in a way to get your needs met. It is all about them and what they need. Take a normal family and put someone who is dysfunctional in there and watch the chaos ensue.

Having Dave in your life is going to always cause upset. That is why what you are doing is good with getting the divorce. People with personality disorders don't get well so the only way to cope is to get out.

I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. You have a lot to deal with and probably a lot on your mind. Let me know how you are if you get a chance.

Good night, H Rose.


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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey Kate,

thank you. Chaos, that's what my mind was, trying to sleep, I wrote this...(I’m tying to sleep, I can’t, he’s in my head kicking my thoughts in, bending them with every kick, my fusebox confused, in darkness, I can’t see him, but I can hear him, I know he’s there, kick kick, but I am dumb, words turned off, dead, I let him do it, too tired to fight)

this is the other post I wrote that wouldn't go through yesterday and I tried to paste it in the question box above last night, but it was too long. Do you want to take it over to my new thread? I'm going to get an early night tonight, I've had a full on day and can barely function now, I'll tell you about it tomorrow. Playing catch up here, but I've been desperate to get to write to you and now I can't :(

Anyway, here is yesterday's......actually I'm talking about Wed. I've missed a day, lost Thursday- Oh I saw Adele. I can't keep up. I've just read it again, you've had some of this post already, I've just added a bit more detail, I know you wanted to respond, but i wanted to start another thread on Pearl. Don't know what's happened there- short lived.

I've had a productive day, had an phone appointment with the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, I contacted them last week, it was pre-arranged to talk about benefits etc, but I told him about the weekend so we talked a lot about that too. And I called the Police Domestic Violence support unit, talked to a civilian, who was wonderful. She took lots of details of family and the situation and has flagged my address and made a note that I have difficulty speaking when stressed and anxious, and she said do do do phone, best to be safe etc. Oh dear, and she asked me if D drinks and drives, I didn’t respond immediately, then I answered Yes..... I thought it might be a blessing in disguise if they know he D&Ds, might keep an eye out for him, but that wasn't my intention. She wasn't from my area so she said she would phone my area office (I couldn't get anyone on their numbers) and tell them about my situation, and send me something in the post (not sure what, but to my parent's address). So I felt better when I'd done that......

Had to take a break for an hours drink fuelled verbal which I have recorded, Poppy featuring, swearing enormously, but talking a whole lot of sense. She came in after I had attempted to speak and had been beaten back, saying this is an unfair argument, let mum speak, she's allowed an opinion, stop talking over her. I was being blamed for not putting him right for all the times he had been wrong, for not being loud enough, strong enough. I was trying to tell him that I had tried for years and years, over and over, and every time I've tried he has told me not to ask, I won't do. I started to tell him it was too late, but he stopped me in my tracks, then Poppy joined us. I played a bit for Adele today, she only needed 2 minutes of it to see what he was like.

These verbals are coming so thick and fast I can’t process them, I was forced to listen, he came in my room. I lay on my bed with Lola with my eyes shut while he ranted on and on. Sam came in telling him mum doesn't want you here, she doesn't want to talk. He said something about looking online for a car, to remind him he wanted to do it the following day. D was upset bc Sam was asking ME about cars and not him, I know more about cars than your mother, Sam was very calm and sat on the bed. He asked D if he could work with him during the holidays bc he wants to earn some more money now he will have a car to run. D said you can come and work with me and learn something about life, but I won't pay you, it's skilled work, but it would do you good to come and work with me, it'll teach you about the real world.

He went on and on, literally an hour, mostly arguing with Poppy about living here, this is paradise etc etc. He only stopped bc he realised there were other kids in the house, who had heard him telling me that he had been celibate for the whole time I’ve been in my room, but he has...... oh, I'd better not write it here - lets say been self satisfied, with the help of online XXX sites (the kids were laughing at him, but I think Sam was embarrassed!!!!!!!!)- Poppy came down the stairs after he told me this in the hall to tell him that there were kids in the kitchen. He was certainly taken aback, said I didn't say they could come in, OK I'll stop now!

I was feeling supported by the kids, I am relieved. It will be OK. But he says if we get divorced he wants to keep this place (most of the hour was taken up with his dream, this place a paradise, somewhere for our grandkids to live, drink spring water, live off the land. He really is crazy.) I hope Dr H gets my letter tomorrow.

Oh, Mark the Lawyer (whom D HATES with a vengeance -all lawyers, money money grabbers) said I don’t have to put up with his behaviour, had I spoken to the police, that he was in the office Thurs/Fri if I want to know what options I have. He says the court should be sending out the papers this week, and I can have support if I want- not sure what that means.

I need therapy everyday! My head is spinning fast, I should stop thinking, just close it down. He says I’m messed up with drugs. Oh Goodness!


I hope you've had (oops, having!) a good day, weekend coming fast. Are your youngsters keeping amused?

Goodnight Kate. Look forward to proper talk tomorrow

H Rosex
I am going to transfer this over to the new thread. See you there!

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