thank you. Chaos, that's what my mind was, trying to sleep, I wrote this...(I’m tying to sleep, I can’t, he’s in my head kicking my thoughts in, bending them with every kick, my fusebox confused, in darkness, I can’t see him, but I can hear him, I know he’s there, kick kick, but I am dumb, words turned off, dead, I let him do it, too tired to fight)
this is the other post I wrote that wouldn't go through yesterday and I tried to paste it in the question box above last night, but it was too long. Do you want to take it over to my new thread? I'm going to get an early night tonight, I've had a full on day and can barely function now, I'll tell you about it tomorrow. Playing catch up here, but I've been desperate to get to write to you and now I can't :(
Anyway, here is yesterday's......actually I'm talking about Wed. I've missed a day, lost Thursday- Oh I saw Adele. I can't keep up. I've just read it again, you've had some of this post already, I've just added a bit more detail, I know you wanted to respond, but i wanted to start another thread on Pearl. Don't know what's happened there- short lived.
I've had a productive day, had an phone appointment with the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, I contacted them last week, it was pre-arranged to talk about benefits etc, but I told him about the weekend so we talked a lot about that too. And I called the Police Domestic Violence support unit, talked to a civilian, who was wonderful. She took lots of details of family and the situation and has flagged my address and made a note that I have difficulty speaking when stressed and anxious, and she said do do do phone, best to be safe etc. Oh dear, and she asked me if D drinks and drives, I didn’t respond immediately, then I answered Yes..... I thought it might be a blessing in disguise if they know he D&Ds, might keep an eye out for him, but that wasn't my intention. She wasn't from my area so she said she would phone my area office (I couldn't get anyone on their numbers) and tell them about my situation, and send me something in the post (not sure what, but to my parent's address). So I felt better when I'd done that......
Had to take a break for an hours drink fuelled verbal which I have recorded, Poppy featuring, swearing enormously, but talking a whole lot of sense. She came in after I had attempted to speak and had been beaten back, saying this is an unfair argument, let mum speak, she's allowed an opinion, stop talking over her. I was being blamed for not putting him right for all the times he had been wrong, for not being loud enough, strong enough. I was trying to tell him that I had tried for years and years, over and over, and every time I've tried he has told me not to ask, I won't do. I started to tell him it was too late, but he stopped me in my tracks, then Poppy joined us. I played a bit for Adele today, she only needed 2 minutes of it to see what he was like.
These verbals are coming so thick and fast I can’t process them, I was forced to listen, he came in my room. I lay on my bed with Lola with my eyes shut while he ranted on and on. Sam came in telling him mum doesn't want you here, she doesn't want to talk. He said something about looking online for a car, to remind him he wanted to do it the following day. D was upset bc Sam was asking ME about cars and not him, I know more about cars than your mother, Sam was very calm and sat on the bed. He asked D if he could work with him during the holidays bc he wants to earn some more money now he will have a car to run. D said you can come and work with me and learn something about life, but I won't pay you, it's skilled work, but it would do you good to come and work with me, it'll teach you about the real world.
He went on and on, literally an hour, mostly arguing with Poppy about living here, this is paradise etc etc. He only stopped bc he realised there were other kids in the house, who had heard him telling me that he had been celibate for the whole time I’ve been in my room, but he has...... oh, I'd better not write it here - lets say been self satisfied, with the help of online XXX sites (the kids were laughing at him, but I think Sam was embarrassed!!!!!!!!)- Poppy came down the stairs after he told me this in the hall to tell him that there were kids in the kitchen. He was certainly taken aback, said I didn't say they could come in, OK I'll stop now!
I was feeling supported by the kids, I am relieved. It will be OK. But he says if we get divorced he wants to keep this place (most of the hour was taken up with his dream, this place a paradise, somewhere for our grandkids to live, drink spring water, live off the land. He really is crazy.) I hope Dr H gets my letter tomorrow.
Oh, Mark the Lawyer (whom D HATES with a vengeance -all lawyers, money money grabbers) said I don’t have to put up with his behaviour, had I spoken to the police, that he was in the office Thurs/Fri if I want to know what options I have. He says the court should be sending out the papers this week, and I can have support if I want- not sure what that means.
I need therapy everyday! My head is spinning fast, I should stop thinking, just close it down. He says I’m messed up with drugs. Oh Goodness!
I hope you've had (oops, having!) a good day, weekend coming fast. Are your youngsters keeping amused?
Goodnight Kate. Look forward to proper talk tomorrow