My brother is an alcoholic and I have given him and his 20yr younger wife another chance(she doesn't know him as I do and has only been married 9 months) A small thing blew up into something massive and I just cut them off.This was 5 days ago.But what followed from me was a heartfelt email,followed from both of them,abusive mail.I didn't read,my lovely (protective) friend did. My husband & I have dealt with this behaviour over 20years.His response is 'what did you expect?' What I was shocked about,after dealing with this was the utter 'sick to my stomach' feelings I have had.I suffer from migraines and had 48hours of attacks,but with no understanding from my brother. It's like another bereavment and I know I thought I had dealt with this long ago,but it's like I have been 'suckered' and 'conned' and hate myself for being sucked into it again. He feels no remorse,it's all me and he is the injured party,when he has messed my head up again. My husband has a brain tumour,is in heart failure and had recently had part of a cancerous tumour removed from his lip. I know what real suffering is and my brother has no grasp on reality. I want to keep writing to explain and he is just vile back. Then I get irrational and want to 'punch' him to get a reaction. What I hate is feeling any emotion,I hate him for that. I know he is ill but he is off the wagon and creates havoc with all no matter what kindness and support you show.It then brings up dark feelings for me and I feel like killing myself. I was sexually abuse as a child,along with my sister and know I am a good caring sister. Why does he think he can do this with no consequences?
Person's Gender: Female
Person's Age: 47
Welcome to Just answer !
Well, while you narrated the whole scenario that exists in your life , i could see that you are in huge amount of pain and that seeps through your every word that you have written..
So, first and foremost i would like to offer my sympathy to you as you really have endured a lot in your life so far e3specially at the hands of your brother..
Now coming to your primary question that why does he do all of this , such as giving you pain and problems one after another withought even thinking of the consequences ..
well the answer to this is more of a medical reasoning rather than an emotional one , and that is
as you had mentioned your brother has been alcohol dependent and as it is true with alcohol addiction / dependence that it takes over the person's clarity of thinking , judgment and impairs the addicts
I am still here,just looking at your answers and listening......
ability to reason with himself and with others , moreover incapacitates his ability to look at other people 's pain because a person who is an addict is so CONSUMED WITH THIS PLEASURE GIBVING HABIT THAT IT SUPERCEDES ALL THE OTHER PRIORITIES IN LIFE , IT MAKES THE PERSON SELFISH TO THE CORE AND IT DEFINITELY CRUSHES ALL THE EMOTIONS AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE THE ADDICT ..
I can't explain that I am still crying after 5 days.My family is too important,my husband,our son (11yrs) and this reaction of mine after cutting him off 5 years ago,has taken me by surprise. That's why I am stunned.
Yes,selfish is a word I use when describing him. And yes I suppose I do feel crushed by this constant abuse.I want it to end.I hate myself for allowing him back into our lives
Well, i would say that you have no other sensible path to tread other than concentrating on your own life , taking care of those who value you and love you as much you do and to make your life and the life of the signifcant ones much better than before , so this is not a bad bargain if you choose to cut all ties for him and invest your energy and mind and goodwill on those who need you and also value you , such as your ailing husband and child ..
Only because you and your brother are blood related does not give him the liberty to manipulate and exploit his sister and it has been really unfirtunate and shameful that instead of him being a support to you , he on the other hand has been shamelessly feeding on your good hearted nature and kindness ..
Will he ever get better? He went to AA along time ago.The brother I loved and played with many decades ago is a very very long time ago.I suppose I greive for that and the fact that I do not know if he was abused like we were by the elderly neighbour.......
you see as a doctor i empathize with your brother because he is also sick with illness and that illness is well defined , well within his and our site and is called as alcohol dependence , but i would say that hsi sickness is not a disguse for him to manipulate you ad exploit you and abuse you when all you have done so far is to wish well for him and helped him out at many times ..
so the least he could do is to be grateful and supportive ..
but what is he instead .. mean , selfish , spiteful and scheming brother ..
Your comments are what I know,feel and believe....but it doesn't make it easier.It just makes me cry even more for the lost childhood we all had.If you saw our son,no one would believe how perfect he is.I gave him all the love,trust and safety I was never afforded. BUt I feel suicidal most days now
i know there is a bond you share with your brother that goes back to your childhood , and getting emotional about him is just natural ..
but i would liek to tell you here that UNLESS AND UNTILL THERE IS NO DEFINTE WILL FROM WITHIN HIM TO GIVE UP HIS ADDICTION , THEN I AM SORRY TO SAY , NO MATTER HOW MANY AA MEETINGS HE SHALL ATTEND OR REHABILITATION THAT HE GOES TO , ALL OF THIS WILL GO DOWN THE DRIAN AND HE WILL CONTINUE TO REMAIN AN ALCOHOLIC ..
SO what is required here is for him to geenrate that will to give up this addiction , if not for himself but for his loved ones like you and his wife..
I know,so I suppose I am greiving for that. What a waste,the abuser won really!
or atleast he shall start himself on CBT
that is cognitive behaviour therapy , which is a type of counseling technique offered by a clinical psychologist which shall help him to
Of course! I know that I did small parts of psychology at university. Did I say my brother has a Masters? Yes,madness is close to genius?
generate this will power to fight against his addicttion , also this therapy shall also unearth some past incidences of emotional or physical abuses which may have triggered all this in the first place and made him what he is right now
So, is it possible for you to get him started on CBT ..
MAY THAT WILL BE A START ..
for him to find some answers in a very honest manner
about things which went bad and then from bad to worse ..
I believe this is all connected --
his selfish , insensitive behaviour stems from his alcohol dependence which in turn stems from his personal life issues , dejections , dissapointments and may be abuse in the past..
He has never said that.They are just my sisters thoughts/feelings.I think there may be truth in it,but mum and dad gave us all a fair share of abuse too! I struggle as to why I was the only one able to run from it all? The only one married and with a child.The only unconditional one......
so by getting him started on CBT , the clinical psychologist will be able to unearth the real reason why he took alcohol as a way of escaping ground reality and then through CBT only shall the psychiatrist be able to deal with his demons of past life which i am sure continue to linger on till date and compel him to be an addict ..
that is a great piece of revealation..
i think his alcohol dependence , his abuse to you stems from his childhood where he received the same from your parents ..
since he not being as emotionally strong as you could not escape from it , so he succumbed to it and made himself exactly the way he was treated by your parents..
so this brings a lot of sound perspective into things and his predicament ..
i wonder why you did not take him to a clinical psychologist all this while ..
he surely has some past issues ..
which have still not resolved in adult life
and this is like projecting those issues via abusing others and abusing others with alcohol..
Thankyou. That is how I know I am strong.He does behave exactly like my mum and dad,but says it's me or my sister mimicking their behaviour.I know it's not me.it just hurts that he belives it,however sick he is.I am taking my dog now.My husband and son are away having a lovely
so to summarize it all ..
he needs professional help via clinical psychologist in the form of CBT and possible Family therapy with all you siblings and him together attending the sessions.and fighting against some common demons of the past which all of you have to endure while growing up..
is this understood well..
I hope this helps..
.....a lovely holiday for a few days.I will dust my self back down before they are home.They will never know how sad I have been and I guess neither will my brother.
that sepaks about your strength of character ..
and your ability to absorb everything and still put a brave face on..
kudos to you..
you are a pillar of strength and a solid rock like support to your family..
This is an incredible achievement that is to give your life for your loved ones..
this makes you special ..
so be proud of yourself as you are worth it and keep doing the good work..
please do take note of what i had mentioned above and get on with that ..
this will give a new direction to your brother's life all for his good and yours too..