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Ryan LCSW
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
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My question concerns the consumption of alcohol by an individual

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My question concerns the consumption of alcohol by an individual which causes a possible "blackout" (jury is still out if I believe they actually blackout) and the professing of love.

So to preface the question, a little backstory...I have a friend that when we first saw each other at the gym, there was a DEFINITE attraction from boy of us...he would stare at me or I would catch him looking for my whereabouts while I was there...etc etc...however, he had/has a significant other while at the time I did not (I was on a break with my current bf.) We finally became friends and built a pretty close friendship since then and he now even works for my BF.
Three months ago at a charity event, we all got very intoxicated afterwards (we don't really party together much bc I don't drink much at all and he works most nights) and we all stayed the night at the hotel. Well we were up hangin out all night and at some point it seemed as if he was starting to really pour on the drinks and at that point he started playing footsie with me...I was intoxicated and allowed it, and admit to liking it. He later asked to go on a walk so we did and one thing led to another and we started to make out and that's when he hit me with a doosy...he told me "You know I love you right?" I had no idea at that point being we had been friends for a while by this point. I kinda came to my senses and stopped the rest of it....funny thing is I know he remembers this night (tho he said later he didnt remember much) bc of something he did the next day that definitely was consistent with his feelings.....Well I let it go and then all of a sudden last Saturday we went out again and got pretty intoxicated, we went to my BFS bar afterhours and drank more and again it seemed like he started pouring on the consumption on purpose (whereas he was more steady and paced earlier in the night.) He then followed me to the bathroom and came into the stall with me...not once but twice and he had the same look on his face that he did three months earlier - an intense focused on me look. After a while I told him I had to take him home and on the ride he asked to take a walk before we did. I obliged and then he said it again. I love you. I questioned what that even meant and he just kept saying it. And asked me what about my BF etc, which I didn't understand. But he just kept saying it to me. The next day, he claimed to not remember anything about the night starting with getting to my bfs bar afterhours.

So walk me through this...are his feelings true? is this the case during a blackout? is he really blacking out? Soooo confused here...

Thanks!

- Confused and Concerned...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

While I suppose it is possible that he was "blacked out," it would be hard to believe that he doesn't remember any of these events at all. From what you've described, it almost sounds like he started to increase his drinking in order to get up the courage to tell you that he loved you, or to see if there was any romantic interest on your end towards him. In that way, it's possible the he eventually did black out from drinking, but at the same time the feelings that he expressed can still be very real.

Sometimes when people continuously repeat themselves, that can be a sign that they are very intoxicated, so it's certainly possible some of these incidents are harder for him to remember, or that he really was blacked out when he was repeating "I love you." However, even if that is the case, typically people don't make up feelings like this, even if they are so drunk that they are blacked out. Since this is not an isolated incident and has happened a few times now, it seems fairly safe to say that he does have feelings for you.

I would guess that he is using the excuse that he "blacked out" to save him from any potential embarrassment at having confessed his feelings for you, or any embarrassment he may have caused himself by his behavior. Regardless of whether he actually did black out any of these times, it does seem clear that there are some feelings there, and that he is using alcohol to make it easier for him to express them to you.

I definitely wish you the best in dealing with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help you are certainly welcome to send me a reply.

All the best,

Ryan
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What I meant by repeating is that he would just repeatedly say it not so much in a echo-type fashion, just constantly saying it...that said. I confronted him, well kinda, one time after he said in initially about it because I didn't want things to get weird...and they kinda have tho we remain great friends, tho he has distanced a lil bit as I am used to constant texts from him etc...and this was even before this past Saturday. Anyhow, I digress - what he told me then was that he didn't want to hurt his current BF - which is great and understandable and that he didn't want it to happen again tho he doesn't regret it etc etc. That was a cple months ago....but again, then Saturday happened lol
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 2 years ago.
I see what you're saying about him repeating himself. I can also understand why you would try to confront him in order to try and avoid making things weird between the two of you. However as I'm sure you know, that is really difficult after something like this happens, especially now that it has happened more than once.

Even though he may have good intentions about not wanting to hurt his current boyfriend, it sounds like he is still struggling with the feelings he has towards you. That may make it difficult over time for the two of you to continue to be friends. If you're concerned about him getting hurt, or this affecting your current relationship, it may be something you eventually have to address with him again so that he doesn't continue to put himself in these positions.
Ryan LCSW, Mental Health
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Individual and Family Therapist
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