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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My Wife has her ex on Facebook...we have struggled and reached

Customer Question

My Wife has her ex on Facebook...we have struggled and reached point of that she acknowledges phone calls, texts, and Facebooking the ex ona regular bases. She does not want to remove him from her facebook account. She apologized for the kissing situation and realizes she spends more time communicating with her ex than with me daily and certainly weekly. However, not sure what I can do no my end when your partner is aware they communicate more with their ex...claiming it is only about the children they share custody over, but I have seen it is not true with FB and texts saying I will call you being common.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I can see how frustrating and uncomfortable this is and I can also agree that the communication does not need to be what it is. Clearly there are ways to set up communication regarding the children but this seems a bit excessive and some new boundaries around it need to be set.

CoachJenK :

hi

CoachJenK :

are you here with me?

CoachJenK :

I think the next logical thing to do is more than talk...sit down and come up with the more appropriate boundaries around this and what will help you to feel okay about their necessary contact and then put those things in place.

CoachJenK :

she tells you she will do the things but then doesnt follow through and this needs to be looked at.

CoachJenK :

and if she continues to hear your feelings and needs around this I might suggest some counseling for the tow of you to see why the lack of respect for your feelings exists.

CoachJenK :

let me know you are here with me so I can help you.

CoachJenK :

I am hoping there aren't technical issues here in the chat which can happen sometimes. I am here.

CoachJenK :

are you here?

CoachJenK :

If I dont hear from you I will switch to Q and A mode on the assumption that there are some tech issues preventing you from responding here in chat.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi CoachJenk...I was unable to continue our chat, but would like to resume
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Perfect. I am here. Let me know some of your thoughts from what I wrote above and we can go from there. Once I am in Q and A mode the system does not allow me to switch back to chat, but I am here and will respond quickly until you are satisfied with our time together.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for coming back...so yes. We had a discussion this morning where she states she is aware that our communication needs improvement and certainly she communicates with the Ex more than me during any given week, but swears it is only and specifically related to the kids and their needs.


 


On her side, she feels that I need to talk to her more like a friend, which I am willing to continue to work on for our marriage. However, she has been married twice before. Once young, and once to the children that we have everyother week. My concern is when she points out that she forced the marriage without addressing what apparently she feels is an ongoing issue with the difference between the communication we have and that maintained with her Ex. We do not disagree that our communication needs help, but her drifting to points of maybe she is not the one, concerns me in two ways. 1) it does not invalidate the actions she has done with regard to interactions with her EX and how she treats me 2) Me putting anymore effort into a relationship that she has a tendancy to feel comfortable bringing up she is not for me in the context of divorce, weem like an act of futility for my commited efforts and loyalty to my marriage. How do I move forward are the options I am seeking

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
If she is not desirous of staying in this marriage or isn't sure based on the issues around communication I am suggesting marital therapy. If she wants to stay in the marriage then all of the things you mention above need to be looked at and addressed as well. You cannot continue to feels as you do....disrespected and her not taking responsibility for her part in things. It sounds like you have been and are willing to look at your part.

The best idea is marital counseling as all of us without the benefit of a neutral party can get stuck in the same ways of communicating without any forward movement. if she wont agree to that, then i believe you will get stuck where you are now...you banging your head against the wall for her to see how you feel about the ex and her wanting something different from you.

A simple solution around the ex is that it happens all through phone calls to the home phone or cell if cannot be reached by home phone. FB does not need to happen to coordinate schedules, talk about child issues, etc.

so, I hear you are committed to making it all work and will do what is necessary. Is she? if she isn't then the focus become about you and deciding what you can and accept for yourself in this marriage.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I think that is a fair approach coachjenk...frustrated, tired, and occationaly angry. I position I put myself into, but have been forced back into what I call the corner of decision. Decision regarding whether her assertion that she will be friends with her EX for "the children" is an excuse for not addressing our issues, and certainly not bring up "not being the one for me".

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
One can be "friendly" with an ex in order to parent successfully but the amount of contact and communication extends past that in my view and I believe yours too. Trust your gut. You have every right to feel as you mention above.

Set some boundaries for yourself about what you can accept, put them out there and see if she can respond...if not, then yes the corner of decision is there.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1785
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
My pleasure. Please come back and request me anytime.

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Coach Jen K.
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Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach