Hi Kate – Sorry. Day has gotten away from me. I decided to go ahead and leave for CO tomorrow. If I don’t, I will spend the day feeling guilty anyway, so I might as well just go. I am not going to leave until late morning or mid-day, though. Just going to take my time. It’s not like P doesn’t understand or is being selfish – she just is stressed and has a lot to get done – there are about 60 people coming to this thing for the whole weekend - and she is dealing with some relatives who are up at the cabin now, but aren’t helping and actually creating more work for her. So I really need to get there and help her.
Meanwhile, everything is now set up in our new office. Thank goodness. That is a relief. I like it.
So ..... about yesterday: Dr. M and Linda never connected before my appointment. I got there and didn’t know what to say. I told her about the progress I thought I had made, but said that this is pretty new, and a few weeks ago, I had wanted her input and perspective on it, because I felt stagnant. I told her Linda thought it was a good idea, too. I told her about the "telling" of it and how much more difficult it was and that it brought up a lot of details that really are upsetting, but which I never focused on. She said the telling needed to happen and retelling will need to happen and processing and reprocessing. I told her that although the guilt was better, the shame seemed worse. She said if I worked through the guilt, I can work through the shame and humiliation, and that the telling was so recent that it would be expected for my feelings of shame to peak. She said she thought I was right where I should be and there was nothing else I needed to be doing. So that was the good part. The bad part was that we sat in silence a big part of the hour. I couldn’t figure out what to say, and when I thought about it, I felt like I was going to cry. She hardly said anything at all. Even when I could get a question out, she would just stare at me an wait. It was so uncomfortable and I felt like a moron. She could apparently tell I was feeling upset, because when we were done, she said "it is time to quit, but I don’t want to leave you in this ‘state.’" I said "state? I’m totally fine." And we made another med appointment and I left. It wasn’t good, because she doesn’t know a whole lot about what happened or what I feel or what I’ve been doing with Linda or anything, but I also didn’t have time to tell her. She was asking questions from her recollection of what Linda told her, but I was confused about which parts she was talking about, because it was so "general" and I probably contradicted about everything Linda told her, unintentionally. She doesn’t ask me details, but also doesn’t speak in details, it seems. Also, not having spoken with Linda, I think she was being extra careful that she did not contradict something Linda may have told me or might be working on with me. It was just weird. And I wish I hadn’t gone.
Then at my appointment with Linda, I don’t know what happened. Things were okay at first – just talking about my appointment with Dr. M, moving and going to CO and stuff. Then she said she had made copies of her notes from 7 sessions where I was doing the "telling," and wanted us to go over them. She asked if I wanted to read them on my own and bring them back and we could talk about it, or if I wanted to be there when I read them, or what. I said I’d take them home. We were talking about the control thing and how scary it is, and about some impressions she had gotten, etc. and she said she had written something down for me that came to her over the weekend, and she couldn’t remember what it was and didn’t have it with her – but it was something about evil and God overcoming evil. She said that she knows she’s said it before, but that she thinks these guys were just evil and that I saw a kind of evil most people never see. She said "I don’t think you like it when I say that." And I just lost it. I told her that they changed me – I may not be like them, but I have part of them in me – especially the mean one. He took part of me and left part of him, and he is inside of me and I don’t want to be evil. I told her (I have told her before, I guess we’ve never really talked about it a lot) that I feel forever tethered to the mean one. That we will always be connected. That for those several hours, I was there just for him and I was "his" and that can’t just go away. It is what it is. Things have changed, but I was his – really his. For all purposes, and that doesn’t go away. I told her I would rather die than be his, though. But no matter what, I will have shared this thing – probably the most impacting thing in my life – with him. He is a part of me, as much as I may not want that. But it’s true and it’s scary and the worse he is, the worse I feel I am now. It’s like I have his seed growing in me and it will always be this growing black mark. I don’t know what brought it on, but I was crying so hard and trying to explain. She stopped and prayed with me at one point. I finally got calmed down, then right before I left, she said something – I don’t even know what it was - and I started sobbing again.
I had to exert a huge effort not to cry all last night. I was doing things like putting shelves together for the garage and setting up my electronic drum set and cleaning and doing all sorts of stuff to be distracted, but none of it worked for very long. I cried a lot between little projects, and when I took a bath and when I went to bed. I couldn’t stop. I went to bed and wrote and wrote and wrote and cried. I’m sure it was all nonsense, but I wrote until I fell asleep doing it. This morning I felt like Hell. My eyes looked and felt terrible, and I STILL feel like crying. I called Linda this morning and talked to her for a few minutes before her next client came. She said this is going to happen. I need to feel all this. It is progress, even though it hurts. She said that we are going to deal with this notion of being tethered to him and get rid of him and that we can do that. I felt better just talking to her, because she knows why I am upset. When her client came, she told me to call her this afternoon if I wanted to talk more, that she was done at 2 today, but I didn’t call her back. I am trying to stand on my own 2 feet a little here. (But not really, I guess, since I am writing you :) ).
I don’t know ... progress... I know it is .... every time something like those feelings jump out, I know we’re just identifying another issue that we must deal with. But I is tiring and I am so flippin’ emotional. I have had tears right under the surface all day today. I don’t like this at all.