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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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New thread ....

This answer was rated:

New thread ....

Ok, I got it.


We need to close out the old one before we can continue on this one. I'll check back then post your old question on this new thread.



Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay. Not sure what to do. I clicked on the highest smiley and it won't go further. Is it because I already accepted one? Any clue what I need to do?

Ok try this. Post what you just said on the previous thread and I will send it to the moderators for a no click accept.

Sorry for the trouble.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I got an email from customer service saying they will review the request and get back to me. Meanwhile, they locked the other post until they review it. Sorry!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I got another email telling me to try again, and if I still couldn't rate it, to email them my rating and they would post it. I still couldn't do it, so last night I emailed them the rating.

Thanks for letting me know. Sorry about this.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Not a problem. Incidentally, I don't really need you to respond to the last question I posted. It was kind of just statements anyway. If the moderator doeasnt ratw it for me, Why don't you repost the question before and your answer to that (since that's what I am having trouble rating) and I'll just accept your answer on this thread?
Sounds like a plan. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX appreciate your help on this.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Sure. It was my fault. It doesn't look like they've rated it for me, but they haven't sent me another email either. So ... Do you want to jus repost your old answer here and I will accept and we can move on?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My appointment with dr. M. Wasn't great. I almost cried, we spent half of it in silence. I bawled almost my whole appointment with Linda. Not a banner day. I'll tell you about it if we get the other q and this closed out.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Okay. I got an email from the moderator. She said she rated you for me and you will be compensated.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX this took so long.

So what happened with Dr. M and Linda? It sounds like it was pretty rough. I'm sorry to hear that it was. I was hoping it went so much better for you. Let's talk about it and sort it out.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Should I post on here or open a new thread?
I think this one would be ok. We've talked a lot on it but it's only been IR's and no answers. So let's give it a try :)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Kate – Sorry. Day has gotten away from me. I decided to go ahead and leave for CO tomorrow. If I don’t, I will spend the day feeling guilty anyway, so I might as well just go. I am not going to leave until late morning or mid-day, though. Just going to take my time. It’s not like P doesn’t understand or is being selfish – she just is stressed and has a lot to get done – there are about 60 people coming to this thing for the whole weekend - and she is dealing with some relatives who are up at the cabin now, but aren’t helping and actually creating more work for her. So I really need to get there and help her.

Meanwhile, everything is now set up in our new office. Thank goodness. That is a relief. I like it.

So ..... about yesterday: Dr. M and Linda never connected before my appointment. I got there and didn’t know what to say. I told her about the progress I thought I had made, but said that this is pretty new, and a few weeks ago, I had wanted her input and perspective on it, because I felt stagnant. I told her Linda thought it was a good idea, too. I told her about the "telling" of it and how much more difficult it was and that it brought up a lot of details that really are upsetting, but which I never focused on. She said the telling needed to happen and retelling will need to happen and processing and reprocessing. I told her that although the guilt was better, the shame seemed worse. She said if I worked through the guilt, I can work through the shame and humiliation, and that the telling was so recent that it would be expected for my feelings of shame to peak. She said she thought I was right where I should be and there was nothing else I needed to be doing. So that was the good part. The bad part was that we sat in silence a big part of the hour. I couldn’t figure out what to say, and when I thought about it, I felt like I was going to cry. She hardly said anything at all. Even when I could get a question out, she would just stare at me an wait. It was so uncomfortable and I felt like a moron. She could apparently tell I was feeling upset, because when we were done, she said "it is time to quit, but I don’t want to leave you in this ‘state.’" I said "state? I’m totally fine." And we made another med appointment and I left. It wasn’t good, because she doesn’t know a whole lot about what happened or what I feel or what I’ve been doing with Linda or anything, but I also didn’t have time to tell her. She was asking questions from her recollection of what Linda told her, but I was confused about which parts she was talking about, because it was so "general" and I probably contradicted about everything Linda told her, unintentionally. She doesn’t ask me details, but also doesn’t speak in details, it seems. Also, not having spoken with Linda, I think she was being extra careful that she did not contradict something Linda may have told me or might be working on with me. It was just weird. And I wish I hadn’t gone.

Then at my appointment with Linda, I don’t know what happened. Things were okay at first – just talking about my appointment with Dr. M, moving and going to CO and stuff. Then she said she had made copies of her notes from 7 sessions where I was doing the "telling," and wanted us to go over them. She asked if I wanted to read them on my own and bring them back and we could talk about it, or if I wanted to be there when I read them, or what. I said I’d take them home. We were talking about the control thing and how scary it is, and about some impressions she had gotten, etc. and she said she had written something down for me that came to her over the weekend, and she couldn’t remember what it was and didn’t have it with her – but it was something about evil and God overcoming evil. She said that she knows she’s said it before, but that she thinks these guys were just evil and that I saw a kind of evil most people never see. She said "I don’t think you like it when I say that." And I just lost it. I told her that they changed me – I may not be like them, but I have part of them in me – especially the mean one. He took part of me and left part of him, and he is inside of me and I don’t want to be evil. I told her (I have told her before, I guess we’ve never really talked about it a lot) that I feel forever tethered to the mean one. That we will always be connected. That for those several hours, I was there just for him and I was "his" and that can’t just go away. It is what it is. Things have changed, but I was his – really his. For all purposes, and that doesn’t go away. I told her I would rather die than be his, though. But no matter what, I will have shared this thing – probably the most impacting thing in my life – with him. He is a part of me, as much as I may not want that. But it’s true and it’s scary and the worse he is, the worse I feel I am now. It’s like I have his seed growing in me and it will always be this growing black mark. I don’t know what brought it on, but I was crying so hard and trying to explain. She stopped and prayed with me at one point. I finally got calmed down, then right before I left, she said something – I don’t even know what it was - and I started sobbing again.

I had to exert a huge effort not to cry all last night. I was doing things like putting shelves together for the garage and setting up my electronic drum set and cleaning and doing all sorts of stuff to be distracted, but none of it worked for very long. I cried a lot between little projects, and when I took a bath and when I went to bed. I couldn’t stop. I went to bed and wrote and wrote and wrote and cried. I’m sure it was all nonsense, but I wrote until I fell asleep doing it. This morning I felt like Hell. My eyes looked and felt terrible, and I STILL feel like crying. I called Linda this morning and talked to her for a few minutes before her next client came. She said this is going to happen. I need to feel all this. It is progress, even though it hurts. She said that we are going to deal with this notion of being tethered to him and get rid of him and that we can do that. I felt better just talking to her, because she knows why I am upset. When her client came, she told me to call her this afternoon if I wanted to talk more, that she was done at 2 today, but I didn’t call her back. I am trying to stand on my own 2 feet a little here. (But not really, I guess, since I am writing you :) ).

I don’t know ... progress... I know it is .... every time something like those feelings jump out, I know we’re just identifying another issue that we must deal with. But I is tiring and I am so flippin’ emotional. I have had tears right under the surface all day today. I don’t like this at all.



I am glad to hear that you new office is all in place. That has to feel very good!

It sounds like Dr. M was supportive of your efforts in therapy but that she did not touch on many of the details of what you were experiencing or add much to it. She kind of left you on your own to talk about what you wanted to say. Like you said, part of that could have been because she didn't know what you were working on with Linda but that does not make it easier. It sounds like the two of you didn't connect and you were not able to get what you needed from the session.

I think Linda is right, what you feel about being tethered to the bad one is part of the trauma and can be worked through. It connects with the feeling you had earlier on when you said you felt you had no control and how scary that was. This is the part of your recovery where you wrestle with your own identity away from what happened to you. It takes time. You just started to confront this so like Dr. M said, you are right where you need to be. It hurts to think that those guys did what they wanted to so they could hurt you. They forced you to see the evil that they are inside. But it will be easier one day to see that they cannot change who you are. What happened to you may have changed your life, but it did not make you like them. You are so far from what they are that you are polar opposites.

In all of this God has a plan. Who knows why anyone has to endure something so horrible like you did and had to be exposed to such evil. It can affect you for life to know that there are people out there who can do such things. But I do think that God will show you the reason someday. You may end up helping someone like that woman who helped you. Or you may be there someday at just the right time for someone who needs another person to understand what they endured. You might even consider volunteering to help other women who have suffered a sexual assault one day. The possibilities are there. God will put them in your path when it's time. Right now, it's your time to heal and to work through these feelings. You will get there, Shay.

I hope you have a good trip tomorrow. Be safe! And if I don't get to talk to you, have a Happy 4th.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know you are right. I just am sad. But I've got to say, Linda has been absolutely great. She seems totally in tune to what I am feeling, and that really helps. I seem to have trouble expressin these things so that I am understood. I do it better when I think it out and write it, but even then, like when I write on here, I can tell I am not explaining right, because you don't understand what I'm saying (although I know you are really trying). It is worse when I am speaking. It is kind of ironic, considering my line of work. I get paid to talk and to write and explain things - to my clients and to the Court. I seem to do that well, especially writing. But this stuff - I find it hard to relay my thoughts. It's weird and frustrating. It's also weird that for the longest time, Linda thought I was shy and soft-spoken, which is so different than what anyone I know would say. Yesterday, dr. M told me that she was really trying, but couldn't even hear me. Linda frequently has to move her chair really close to hear. Why is it like I'm a totally different, apparently quiet, apparently less than eloquent person when I'm dealing with this stuff? I find it bizarre. Anyway - point is that, a you know, I have been frustrated a few times with Linda and have felt like she did not understand. But something in this whole "telling" thing really changed. She seems to totally understand and be in tune with what I am feeling. It has been really good.

Anyway, I know God is in control. I know you are all right. But knowing it and feeling it are quite different things. But in this case - I'm supposed to feel the feelings about what happened, and yet not trust my feelings when it comes to whether what is going on is good or bad. I just have to know intellectually it's progress and a good thing. Ugh. I need a rule book.

Well, I still haven't even started packing. I went to praise team tonight because, although I won't be there this Sunday, we were to practice stuff for following weeks so we don't have practice every week. I wen checked with c today to make sure that was te plan and that I needed to be there. So I went, was there until 8:30, and we never went over anything for future weeks. Frustrating, but it was kind of fun and a goo distraction.

I told Linda this morning that I wrote a bunch last night and she asked if she could read it. I told her yes, I would bring it Monday. I need to read it, though, because I suspect it's a bunch of nonsensical ranting. Should I rewrite it or wrote something else to bring Monday? I know she likes to read stud I wrote because I usually think it out and she is interested in what Ideas i come up with about all this and my thought process. But last might I wasn't thinking it through. I was just furiously writing and crying. I didn't think about it. I just was trying to get some relief. You know? So should I rewrite something?

Part of expressing yourself is feeling it is ok to say what you feel. You never had that chance when you were young. No one ever taught you the rule book for how to cope with emotions. Your parents actually threw it out and told you it was off limits. So voicing your feelings is going to be a whole lot different experience than talking about "acceptable" things that are logical, like the law, which was ok in your family and acceptable. And that is ok. It can be confusing to know how to handle feelings, especially strong ones like you are coping with. As time goes on, you become better and better at it. It's a learning process.


I would leave your writing just as it is. If you re write it, you are not as in touch with your feelings as you were last night so it will be different. Linda is experienced in figuring out any feelings you put down and she will ask if she needs clarification. I suspect that she might find what you wrote, as it is, very interesting. If you want to add to it, that would be good. But as it is it is fine.



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