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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about your situation. Young marriages use to present many challenges couples do not expect before marriage. Once people feel more confident into marriage they allow themselves to show much more of what they think, feel and want, including ego features hidden from their partners before marriage. Only you know if he showed anger issues before, but what you report is obviously very dysfunctional and destructive for any relationship.
I see that the approach you have been using to cope with has been mainly based on avoidance, repression and denial, and it is obviously not working for you. None of these strategies work but only fuel further dysfunction, even when it seems you get free of further abuse.
You have described there have been episodes of violence, then it is even much more serious, we are talking about abuse and domestic violence, and this is just unacceptable and would get worse unless it is addressed with responsibility and assertiveness.
Does it make sense?
Hello, do you need to hear anymore detail? What should I do?
He doesn't initiate the violence toward me, only when I started first, then he responded triple more.
I also tried to be very assertive and persistent with the way he behaves, but only make things worse.
I see then both are engaged into violence. Is it always you who initiate those episodes?
If the violence toward me, yes i initiated it. but many public display of violence, no i just stand by!
When arguments get into abuse and then violence, there is no doubt that professional psychotherapeutic or counseling support is necessary, otherwise it would undermine the relationship even more and further abuse and violence episode would appear.
Let me give you a specific example. Recently, i have to move to different town for work, about 1.5 hr from the old place. he was very busy with work. so i deal with moving by myself, very tired. i supposed to come back for his social function the next day. the next day, i was trying to call him twice to confirm the time to see if i still have more time to do unpacking. since he did not respond, i drove back any way. when i got to his place, he was sleeping, i was disappointed and complained that he should called. He got angry and express that he is not happy in relationship, i have no compassion for his work and tiredness, and wanted me to leave now. I left in tear. when he didn't go after me, i called him told him how he made me feel. he said "sorry", but i drove off anyway. and he never call me again, until 2 days later when we suppose to go out of town together. I refuse to go in the condition of my mind and ask me to make it right to me, either come and pick me up or say something to me to make me feel better. none was done, all he kept saying is that i refused to go with him and tried to ruin his vacation. and thing just go down hill from then. How should I handle it?
It is clear to me that there is no good, empathic understanding and communication between you. the scenario you just described, it does not seem you did anything wrong, you had to take care of your relocation and he was not supportive at all and then was not caring about your efforts and attempts to dialogue.
Is there any hope for us to fix this marriage? Is there anything I can do?
I think there is always hope as long as both spouses happen to take real responsibility for the role they play in their marriage and every issue and violence in it, showing willingness to work on themselves and core problems with professional support. Marriage counseling and anger management are necessary here.
My guess is he will not agree to go to a couseling. I don't think he see that he done anything wrong!
Individuals bring personal issues into their marriages, unless they work on such issues, marital problems would arise and be fueled by such personal issues. You marriage and life stressors are triggering such personal issues pushing you to face reality and your need to work on changes if you truly want to build a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
If he is not willing to acknowledge the role he plays here, and does not take responsibility for his own actions and shows openness to get necessary support , then it is hopeless.
You could and should work on yourself in order to control your anger and improve coping and assertiveness, but that would not fix the issues he has impacting his personal and marital life.
Thank you I think I know what to do!