How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been married for 4 mos. Both my husband and I have

Customer Question

I have been married for 4 mos. Both my husband and I have a highly responsible and leadership jobs. He recently has been uncontrolled angry for a very small cause. at times, he exhibits violent temper. many times, almost cause our relationship. As well, when he got angry, he stay angry for a very long time and holding a grudge. How can I deal with this. I want to save our marriage, but at the same time my sanity too. I will provide a specific detail if needed.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation. Young marriages use to present many challenges couples do not expect before marriage. Once people feel more confident into marriage they allow themselves to show much more of what they think, feel and want, including ego features hidden from their partners before marriage. Only you know if he showed anger issues before, but what you report is obviously very dysfunctional and destructive for any relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see that the approach you have been using to cope with has been mainly based on avoidance, repression and denial, and it is obviously not working for you. None of these strategies work but only fuel further dysfunction, even when it seems you get free of further abuse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have described there have been episodes of violence, then it is even much more serious, we are talking about abuse and domestic violence, and this is just unacceptable and would get worse unless it is addressed with responsibility and assertiveness.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Hello, do you need to hear anymore detail? What should I do?


He doesn't initiate the violence toward me, only when I started first, then he responded triple more.

Customer:

I also tried to be very assertive and persistent with the way he behaves, but only make things worse.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see then both are engaged into violence. Is it always you who initiate those episodes?

Customer:

If the violence toward me, yes i initiated it. but many public display of violence, no i just stand by!


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When arguments get into abuse and then violence, there is no doubt that professional psychotherapeutic or counseling support is necessary, otherwise it would undermine the relationship even more and further abuse and violence episode would appear.

Customer:

Let me give you a specific example. Recently, i have to move to different town for work, about 1.5 hr from the old place. he was very busy with work. so i deal with moving by myself, very tired. i supposed to come back for his social function the next day. the next day, i was trying to call him twice to confirm the time to see if i still have more time to do unpacking. since he did not respond, i drove back any way. when i got to his place, he was sleeping, i was disappointed and complained that he should called. He got angry and express that he is not happy in relationship, i have no compassion for his work and tiredness, and wanted me to leave now. I left in tear. when he didn't go after me, i called him told him how he made me feel. he said "sorry", but i drove off anyway. and he never call me again, until 2 days later when we suppose to go out of town together. I refuse to go in the condition of my mind and ask me to make it right to me, either come and pick me up or say something to me to make me feel better. none was done, all he kept saying is that i refused to go with him and tried to ruin his vacation. and thing just go down hill from then. How should I handle it?


 

Customer:
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is clear to me that there is no good, empathic understanding and communication between you. the scenario you just described, it does not seem you did anything wrong, you had to take care of your relocation and he was not supportive at all and then was not caring about your efforts and attempts to dialogue.

Customer:

Is there any hope for us to fix this marriage? Is there anything I can do?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think there is always hope as long as both spouses happen to take real responsibility for the role they play in their marriage and every issue and violence in it, showing willingness to work on themselves and core problems with professional support. Marriage counseling and anger management are necessary here.

Customer:

My guess is he will not agree to go to a couseling. I don't think he see that he done anything wrong!


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individuals bring personal issues into their marriages, unless they work on such issues, marital problems would arise and be fueled by such personal issues. You marriage and life stressors are triggering such personal issues pushing you to face reality and your need to work on changes if you truly want to build a healthy and fulfilling marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he is not willing to acknowledge the role he plays here, and does not take responsibility for his own actions and shows openness to get necessary support , then it is hopeless.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could and should work on yourself in order to control your anger and improve coping and assertiveness, but that would not fix the issues he has impacting his personal and marital life.

Customer:

Thank you I think I know what to do!


 

Customer:
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education