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Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate. I think itll be ok w/ dr m tomorrow.

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Hey Kate. I think it'll be ok w/ dr m tomorrow. May call Linda to find out if they spoke and what about, to give me some direction. Linda said it may help I tell her of the new feelings I have & the impact of telling it verbally. & said maybe to ask her about the whole tearing thing & that it still hurts sometimes. But I can't tell her about the tearing. & all she can do is say to go to my gyn. You are right about the feelings. It's more " there". And the feelings re: no control are scary.

I think it's a great idea to ask Linda what she and Dr. M talked about in regard to your situation. It can help you to know ahead of time and provide you with some basis for what you talk about. I imagine that even if you go in there blind regarding what Linda and Dr. M talk about you would still be on target. But it always feels so much better to know anyway.

Telling Dr. M about the impact of having told your story verbally can help you get a different perspective on how you feel. It may also help to think about what you might want Dr M's perspective on regarding other things you talk about in therapy. Linda is helping you a lot with what you are going through but sometimes there are other things you would like another opinion on and it would be a good time to take advantage of that with Dr. M. Since she will probably be up to date after Linda talks to her, you won't have to worry about filling in details.

If you don't want to tell her about the tearing, that is ok. She probably would refer you out and even if she could answer you, it would be general knowledge since she won't be examining you. But you could ask her about other physical sensations you have or pains you feel when you have the nightmares. She may be able to elaborate on something like that.

I think you are going to have a good appointment with her. You have progressed so much since you last saw her that she probably has a lot to talk with you about!

When you describe the no control = scary, it is very real. You are getting in touch with the deepest feelings from the attack. The key is to see that you handled one of the worst situations anyone can be faced with and you not only survived, but you are strong and capable. They did not win. And although you are scared, you face it all anyway. That takes extraordinary strength and courage. It may take a while to work yourself to the point of being able to see how strong you are but it will come, in time.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
It was almost nicer thinking I was totally at fault because I could explain their actions as consequences. Now what? I don't know why. Why did they want to hurt me? What I wrong with me that I can be treated like nothing. Like an inanimate piece of trash? Even if there wasn't something before, there is now. I can have that done to me and I can't stop it. I hate that part of me. I wish I never knew it was there.
It can hurt to think that someone can want to cause you that much pain. But blaming yourself only lets their issues in and puts them on you. You did nothing to deserve what they did. If they had hurt another woman that night, would she have deserved it? You are no different.

It is important to explore what makes you feel you deserve what happened. We have talked about your childhood and how you had to take responsibility regardless if you were at fault for whatever happened. That can be part of it. And the natural tendency for society to look for a reason to blame the victim/survivor. But if there is another part of you that feels this was about you, then working through that is important.

Feeling like you are worthless like a piece of trash is what those guys wanted you to feel. It is what they feel about themselves. There are two possible reasons for what they did- they are sociopaths or they are so hurt themselves they have to hurt others to feel ok. Neither reason has to do with you. What caused them to be there that night and hurt you started happening long before you were in the picture. They didn't just see you and say "she deserves to be hurt" and then go back to living a normal life. They began this journey most likely in childhood. And it probably has not ended for them. They do not have your strength or insight. You will get through this and move on. They probably never will.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I don't blame myself for it happening. That would make it less random
/scary If I did. However, the guilt was killing me, so I'm glad that has subsided a great deal. I just feel like there must be something wrong with me, you know? I mean, I've read a ton about this kind of thing. I know the statistics. It happens to a lot of women - like 1/4 or 1/5 will experience it in their lifetime, which is pretty high. So - take that number, and the likelihood it was an acquaintance, boyfriend, friend, partner, spouse is really high. Like 70%, right? So 30% of 25% is 7.5%. Then consider that a small percentage of those involve more than one person (don't know the stats on that) and only a small number are physically injured. I don't know that these stats include women who are killed - I doubt they do. So, I am one of a small percentage of women who have had this happen (with it being people I don't know, violent, and more than one person) who isn't dead. So - am I just like really unlucky?? I know that the truth is God knows what He is doing, even when I have no clue. I guess I wish that if I was going to be one of a very few of something, it could have been something more positive. Oh well. I know it was them, not me. And that was. Good way to explain it to me - that it was in the works long before I came on the scene. But it makes it feel so random and therefore, possible again. Purely Mathematically, I have the exact same chance of that happening again that I did that night. Scary.

Oh well. That's life. And life isn't fair. And thank God it is not. If I got everything I deserved, I would go to Hell and my life woul be terrible. Fairness cuts both ways, and Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice so that things aren't fair and we don't get what we deserve. So I can't really complain when on the other side of it, when I so readily accept His grace and mercy when it is something I did.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Kate - I'm going to. Open a new three can you answer on that?
Ok, I'll see you there.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Kate - I'm sorry. I asked a new question and should have started a new thread before. Now I click on the highest smiley for your last answer and it does not go any further. I guess it is because I had already accepted your answer to my previous question, then forgot to open a new thread to ask my other one. What can I do?
Thanks Shay, I will forward this to the moderator to see if they can find the problem.

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