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Ask Dr. Rossi Your Own Question
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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I have been living outside of my house for more than a year

Customer Question

I have been living outside of my house for more than a year now,and the reason I was able to leave is that I lied about getting a job. I wanted to leave my house because my family was too overbearing, and I wanted to live with my girlfriend. My mother just visited and found out about my lie. my dad still doesn't know, and I'm afraid of telling the truth. what can I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Rossi :

Hi,

Dr. Rossi :

Are you afreaid of your dad finding out then (since your mother knows of this)?

Dr. Rossi :

What do you think will happen if you tell the truth? What consequences do you fear?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

yes, I am

Dr. Rossi :

You're an adult and free to live as you wish. Have you been happy since you left home?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I fear that he will disown me, not want to talk or see me anymore....and I just don't know how to tell him....my mother is traveling back to there now, but wont be there until tuesday,and she still wants to try and keep it a lie....but my girlfriend's trust in me depends on me not lying anymore

Dr. Rossi :

Are you working now?

Dr. Rossi :

What makes you think that he'd disown you? You're trying to be autonomous.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I work at a part -time retail job that just barely covers my bills, I have been interviewing elswere, but nothing has come up

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I know....but...it's my irrational fear that he would,because it's a very shameful situation

Dr. Rossi :

You mentioned that living at home was "too overbearing"

Dr. Rossi :

I see- you accept this fear as irrational then?

Dr. Rossi :

Are you too hard on yourself? Do you think you should of had more/accomplished more as a resutl of which your father would disown you?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I feel like it may be irrational, but I don't know

Dr. Rossi :

It seems unusual

Dr. Rossi :

Generally adults are happy to be away from home and independent even if struggling

Dr. Rossi :

You're trying to find a FT work, you've got a girlfriend. Surely your parents know that you're dating right?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

yes, they do

Dr. Rossi :

You lied initially to get out of the house but now you can be honest about your situation

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I just feel like I don't have the courage to tell my father

Dr. Rossi :

If he decides to disown you, that would be his choice. You want to have family that accepts and supports your decisions.

Dr. Rossi :

What stops you from telling besides fear of being disowned?

Dr. Rossi :

Do you have to go into details about your life since you left home? Why not just say that you're working and dating and leave it as that?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

the shame that comes along with it

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I don't know if that would be enough

Dr. Rossi :

You're ashamed of what exactly?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

my lies

Dr. Rossi :

Where did your parents think you lived?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

they know that I live in MD, with my girlfriend in an apartment together

Dr. Rossi :

So what lies are you concerned about ?

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

the lies that I have been in a job that gave me some financial security

Dr. Rossi :

Situations change though. You could of been laid off, had your hours reduced, etc.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

and have been in that job since march 2011

Dr. Rossi :

It is not your fault that you can't find another job. What matters is that you're trying.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

but I can't tell him that I lost the job I never had

Dr. Rossi :

People should not place worth solely based on one's earnings. Your family can accept you the way you are and who you are

Dr. Rossi :

You can mention that you job now involves part time hours.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I can

Dr. Rossi :

If you like the job, talk about it. If you don't, tell them that you're looking for something else.

Dr. Rossi :

You don't have to go into some great details w/ them. You're an adult and can let them know that you're wanting to find something different at this time as far as work is concerned.

Dr. Rossi :

They can understand that. The economy makes it harder for people to find jobs.

Dr. Rossi :

You can go to your local Dep. of Labor an get some assistance there. And, you can tell your parents that you've done it.

Dr. Rossi :

You can't and should not blame yourself because you don't get calls for interviews or don't get job offers. It is hard.

Dr. Rossi :

The shame you feel may be more to do with how you feel about the situatuion rather than what your parents will make of it.

Dr. Rossi :

Your parents would know that young people have to go through different steps/stages before they get to feel at the stage of their life where they're comfortable

Dr. Rossi :

Besides, rarely would someone feel 100% satisfid/comfortable because it's human nature to want more out of life.

Dr. Rossi :

If you think it would be better to share this when your mother and girlfriend are around instead of when you're alone with your father, that's another option. Their presence can be supporting and take away some of your anxiety. They may have some positive things to say as well.

Dr. Rossi :

Meanwhile though, you'd want to really look into why you're beating yourself up so hard.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

I think I need to do that.

Dr. Rossi :

Looking for work can be frustrating and stressful but the job does not define you.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

If I hit reply......will it give me time to think and let me send a response?

Dr. Rossi :

You realize that jobs and titles and earnings can always change.

Dr. Rossi :

What matters is that you've been on your own, you're responsible adult, and you're trying.

Dr. Rossi :

Yes, I think so. Even if we're to get out of the chat format, you can come back to the thread via your email.

JACUSTOMER-s4z4z65j- :

ok.

Dr. Rossi :

Just make sure to rate only when we're done. Thanks

Dr. Rossi and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Hi William,

 

do you need any further assistance? Thank you!

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Hi William,

 

I had send an inquiry to you on 7/4/12 to see if you needed further assistance? Why rate as poor service? Clients are welcome to elaborate. It's a Q & A platform.