Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about how depression has deeply impacted your life.
I see you got offline. I would love to support you here directly though this chat interface in order for you to benefit the most from this services. If you could join the chat we could work on your response. I will be here looking forwards to meeting you.
Hello, I am here, just a minute late, the minute it took me to see you online.
I can see how medication initially helped you to feel in some way better but not really good, since you did not feel like being yourself. This is a common experience when people use psychiatric medication. These drugs mainly numb you, creating the illusion that you are and feel better, while indeed they are mostly masking the symptoms. then they create multiple side effects, some of them we already know about and many remain unclear or unknown on their impact on our psyche and brain-body.
This is why do not use to recommend people to use such drugs unless presenting real crisis, or where risk to harm themselves or others or their integrity become obvious.
You experienced this very clearly with the anger problem you developed because of those drugs, and I think you were wise when decided to end such drugs.
At the same time you are facing the impact depression is having in your life, including family and work.
It is obvious to me that your job played a huge role in your life, from creating a sense of personal fulfillment and confidence to better cope with life challenges once you get well grounded in what you were doing so great, and now finding yourself without such energy and passion is just overwhelmingly frustrating and as you said, it becomes a vicious circle creating more depression, while depression created and fuels this lack of motivation and drive.
My recommendations are these: I have not read in your question anything about the original causes of your depression, th eissues leading to it nor about any form of real treatment or psychotherapy but exclusively about the use of psychiatric drugs. As previously stated, drugs are not a solution but a way of numbing yourself, and with that the potential to become blind to reality so to take good care of it deeply increases.
When we get depressed this much we need real and professional support , and that can only come from professional psychotherapy, where you would work on exploring and identifying the core issues creating and fueling your depression, venting and processing feelings and emotions related to t, so healing and improving coping skills and promoting the strengthening of your support system, and that includes the supportive role your husband plays in your rehabilitation process.
Most times spouses could fail when trying to help dismissing the importance we set to work and other areas important for us, and that's why it is important counseling as a way to promote better dialogue so understanding on priorities and concrete ways to support you in assertive, empathic and effective ways.
Please seriously consider your need to get professional counseling - psychotherapy to work on yourself and eradicating depression, to improve dialogue, intimacy and understanding with husband for him to support you as needed in effective ways -fro that collateral sessions would be necessary- and do engage in activities where you could use your body, mind, heart and/or spirit to create and promote meaning and fulfillment in yourself and life.
This is not easy but is necessary and absolutely worthy and while working on it, "gently pushing" yourself with adequate support, you would be creating the necessary energy and motivation to be and feel better.
I hope this makes sense and helps. I am here to support you.
Before anything your number owe priority must be your own mental-emotional-physical health and well-being. Nothing should go before it, otherwise we need developing depression or anxiety disorders very easily, and now you know that from experience.
Right, everything requires effort and work, commitment and depending on how much we invest on each thing we get results, but for us to create and promote real well-being, priorities and limits must be clear otherwise we end sabotaging our selves and lives undermining areas that should always go first, like our very health.
There is where psychotherapy plays a key role.
Anything healthy, whether productive or just enjoyable you could do in order to promote your mood, resilience, coping, functioning and relationships should be considered for sure.
What is important is for you to truly set your health and well-being first, with the right balance avoiding extremes.
That's correct. Most regular professionals in the mental health filed, and %99.9 of doctors would tell you to use psychiatric drugs, only those who happen to be more aware and serious about your whole well-being and integrity, with a more updated approach and education, would tell you to think twice before using those drugs.
If a person tries to have fun and relax in order to feel better from depression, even when taking drugs, but does not work on the issues creating and fueling depression, then it would never work, the most the person would get is to fool herself for a while experiencing fake happiness and relief , which woud deasily vanish.
of course they could increase drugs doses to feel better, but it will be their own life and relationships quality and health what would show how healthy or destructive such approach happens to be.
From what you shared here, as you said, it seems you got too much into pushing yourself to perform and produce, relying on such outcomes and efforts as a way to feel and measure how well you were in your life. At the same time your husband has not been happy with it but there were not discussion on it until those episodes happened. You were neglecting your health, enjoyment of lie independently of how much and well you performed at work, missing the core of things which is enjoying yourself, children and family life as much as necessary.
I do totally believe you. But it is also true that anything we do excessively, do negatively impact on ourselves and lives, even more if neglecting other areas including health and time necessary to sped with family. Work is a very common object-behavior of addiction of many people, because it allows people to feel good while taking care of external responsibilities and needs, they use it to compensate other life areas not working that well, from where they do not find enough fulfillment, sense of control or for coping with stress and lack of relief they cannot find through other means.
Whenever a person finds herself unable to really, feel fine and happy with herself unless doing a specific thing, like working, exercising, eating, being always around people or any other behavior, it shows there is an addiction to such behavior, and it needs to be addressed and work on changes in ordr to create a more balanced and healthy life without depending too much on one area.
You're very welcome. No problem, I feel glad my support was useful, and truly hope you take gentle care of yoursef and consistent action considering my recommendations.
Sounds good, Thank you.
Please feel free to contact me for any further support, since I will be here willing to assist you.
(Please do not forget to rate support in order for the chat session to be closed, thanks).
You're welcome. Bye for now.