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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My wife of 4 years just found out that I watched porn and wants

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My wife of 4 years just found out that I watched porn and wants nothing to do with me. I'm in a foreign country and I'm very afraid to be alone. I feel utterly lost without her. What do I do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation, it seems truly overwhelming and only you know how painful it is to be in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me how has been your marriage before this problem?

Customer:

Our marriage has been ok but we would definitely run into some ruts. But nothing too unusual. My wife did say lately she had been feeling less attracted to me until this. Now she wants nothing to do with me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

i see, then there were problems directly affecting your intimacy and fulfillment and this just overwhelmed her.

Customer:

well she did mention intimacy issues and her not wanting to have sexual relations lately with me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What is your current situation, has she left, asked you to leave?

Customer:

well right now we can't

Customer:

we are teachers under contract in korea

Customer:

and we live in the same apartment

Customer:

to leave before the end of the contract would be very intense and difficult

Customer:

she says she can be civil with me but finds me disgusting and perverterd

Customer:

perverted*

Customer:

I understand why she feels this way because I know that my porn addiction is bad and I've been fighting with it for years but I never wanted to tell her because I was so ashamed

Customer:

and now she's mad that I lied and that I watch filth and bring it into our relations

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. This is very sad and frustrating for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But sooner or later you were going to face this issue once every addiction deeply disrupts a person's life.

Customer:

I know

Customer:

but I thought I could fix it on my own

Customer:

but I couldn't

Customer:

and now things are ruined

Customer:

so I guess my question is

Customer:

what would be some healthy ways to get through this without falling into a major depression?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you that the fact you have porn addiction shows you already have anxiety and very possible depressive problems. Addictions like this develop rooted on anxiety and mood problems, leading the person to use the addiction as a way of coping, to get relief and a sense of control and fulfillment, which happen to be fake for sure but provide the illusion that you feel good, relieved when you are into it.

Customer:

yup I hear that

Customer:

I feel utterly terrible afterwards too

Customer:

I go a few months and then relapse

Customer:

go for awhile and then relapse

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that;s addiction patterns, then you have to fully7 acknowledge your addiction, take full responsibility of it, and from there consistent action in order to start your rehabilitation process.

Customer:

yeah I guess I've just always leaned on my wife for help

Customer:

which isn't fair for her

Customer:

because she's a wonderful, loving woman

Customer:

I've just always had these demons

Customer:

even before we were together

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times effective rehabilitation requires both, individual and group psychotherapy.

Customer:

is there a way to psychotherapy over the internet

Customer:

I just don't know if I have access here in south korea

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, you could easily find it if you google "online counseling". i recommend you to look for local support, but I am aware of how limited psychotherapeutic programs and professionals are in Asia.

Customer:

yeah I'm going to have to do some serious work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why online counseling becomes so useful in such conditions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you need to be very careful since addictions are about denial, avoidance, justification and self-sabotage. manipulation and other serious issues, so people could easily fool themselves an perpetuate addiction, that's why face-to-face individual and group support are so important. in case you get online counseling, you would need to seriously work on yourself and live in concrete ways with all the support you could get for it to be beneficial and stable.

Customer:

right

Customer:

I'm looking for sexual addiction recovery in seoul right now

Customer:

to have face-to-face

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Excellent.

Customer:

I just wish my wife could understand that I love her despite all that porn use

Customer:

it was more like an itch

Customer:

a craving I've had for years

Customer:

that doesn't just go away

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is shocked and feeling betrayed and abused by you, her reaction is normal. Now what matters is what you do from now on in order to take good care of yourself and rehabilitate in order to take good care of your relationship.

Customer:

right

Customer:

she says I have to do this for myself

Customer:

not for her

Customer:

because then it'll fail

Customer:

it'll most likely be that we won't be getting back together

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the only one with the power to work on it and make of it a concrete reality with necessary support, and to motivate yourself with the need you have to heal your marriage is wise and necessary.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nobody knows, you need to focus on what you can control, with professional support, then time will tell.

Customer:

right

Customer:

most likely we won't get back together

Customer:

but I still need to heal.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Customer:

well I have to go now.

Customer:

My first step is to find a support group

Customer:

and maybe do that on the weekends

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take good care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you.

Customer:

thank you for the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me for any further support.

Customer:

ok do I have your email or link?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You just need to look for my profile here at JustAnswer or post your questions directing to them to me, including my name so I could know you want me to reply and I will respond ASAP.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me get my link.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-morales-toia/

Customer:

ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX contact in a week or so

Customer:

have a good day

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good. Have a good day too. Bye and please rate support in order to close the session. Thanks.

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