Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.
You've experienced a tremendous amount of trauma, and it's completely understandable that you would have so much sadness and difficulty.
The first thing to do is to keep in mind that the trauma is going to affect all of your current relationships, even brief, on-line relationships like you had with Elliott.
One important skill that you can work on is to learn how to look at current situations realistically (for what they are) rather than looking at them through the grid or lens of how you have been hurt.
This is only a very, very small example --but I'm hoping you'll be able to apply it to other interactions in your life.
Please re-read over the transcript that you had with Elliott and really notice how he has responded to you-- was it very caring and supportive? Or dismissive? Did he give you short, curt responses, or thoughtful ones that took time?
Then ask yourself "How did I feel at the time he was helping me?" Some of the clues about that are written right in your responses.
After that, ask yourself, "How do I feel about Elliott right now?"
I'm guessing you're not too happy with him based on the reason for your re-list:
"I added another question more than 16 hours ago and the previous therapist has not bother to respond."
I am wondering if you feel abandoned by Elliott because he has not responded to you in more than 16 hours. If I am right, then you are looking at him through the grid of your trauma, not the grid of reality (which is what I had you do first).
Now -- list all the reasons you can think of that perhaps Elliott has not responded. Which reasons are realistic (not personal to you but can explain why he hasn't responded) vs. which ones come through the grid of your past hurts ?
An excellent book for you to get is: Growing Beyond Survival: a Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress
This book can help you determine when you are seeing current relationships through the grid of trauma.
It's a long road that can only be taken one small step at a time, with great care, compassion, and patience for yourself.
Hi --I think the scars are a challenge to address because they are physical reminders, even if you can manage to "forget" for just a moment.
Two thoughts: I don't think you will find satisfactory therapy on the internet -- it is far too limiting in many ways. It can be a great way to start to make human connections, but they can't go as in-depth as you do in person --plus as we say in numerous places, this site provides "information," and not "therapy."
You really do need to pursue long term in person therapy --I know you can not be anonymous there, but when you see a professional, we are mandated to keep your confidentiality -we can't reveal to anyone who you are or any details of your life without your written permission. The only exceptions are imminent intent to harm one's self or another (so not I "feel" like doing it, but I am 'going to do it now" type of thing), suspicion of child abuse (current children), and elder abuse. Everything else must be kept private.
Yes, I know you've been given a lot of reading --I will give you something else --that could help with your scars -- EMDR (www.emdr.com) It's a therapy to help re-process trauma so that the effects are not so "current." You don't forget, you still feel sad, but it does help not have the past be so very, very "present." It's possible that EMDR could help you look at your scars and feel sad but not disfigured. You will still get angry but hopefully not paralyzed.
It sounds like you've made a good start --and yes, I do think there can be a lot of dead-ends and re-lists before one gets on a more straight road towards healing, but hopefully even with those you've gained something.
Keep at it --you sound like a woman of determination and fortitude.