This will all appear on google search for everyone to see but I don't really care at this point. Im searching for healing and if my (true) story can help someone else then so be it, here is a link to my first question and answer. Dr.Levang did a good job, as Im sure you will, just a new day presenting new doubts and obstacles.
I am a young woman, 30 yrs and African-Caribbean heritage.
I endured severe discipline and sexual abuse at the hands of my Mother. I have survived 3 sexual assaults as an adult. I was never able to fully realize why they didn't and still don't seem to bother me as much as the "washing" I received from an infant (which, arguably is normal to be washed as an infant) till the mature age of about 12 or so. I can't exactly remember when it stopped because I blocked it out.
In my culture, parents are regarded as demi-gods. Parents always know what's best, XXXXX XXXXX told as an infant till your dying day. So therefore they are not to be questioned or disobeyed. In effect, when I tried to assert my independence and my right to not be touched, I was told that I had to succumb and allow myself to be "washed" by whomever wanted to do so. When I confided in a female relative (who was not subjected to this inappropriate washing), she only laughed at me. I can type this, but I can barely articulate it. On nights when I can't sleep, I have constant flashbacks. I have a repulsion, sometimes toward sex and other times I yearn for it. I suppose you could say I have an ambivalent relationship to sex.
Discipline was dished out almost daily. I was a bubble-wrapped kid, who was made to kneel down and whipped with belts, 2x4 pieces of wood or whatever else she could get her hands on. I have a permanent scar on my chest, from the last beating I got at 17. Wunderbar! I don't want to talk about this part too much because, painfully my Mother could not remember why she lost her temper. I dunno if it was psychosis
or what. At 13 I was beaten, slapped and yelled at in front of my peers. To this day, there are people who will recount that embarassing day to my face to humiliate me. People humiliate me and I say absolutely nothing, why am I so scared of people and confrontational situations. Im so lonely, still to this day, I find myself spending eons of time at home alone, cause I don't want to have to deal with people and their asnine behaviour, without any empathy when I tell them what Ive been through.
What I do know is at this moment, I am angry. I have a rage in me, from all that was done to me and yes I'm willing to leave it in the past, albeit, its affecting my present and playing a part that I don't want it to play such a huge part. Please help me! Teach me how to speak up for myself. Teach me how and when to "put" people in their place.
In short, things are so bad with me right now, all i can think of is suicide. To permanently escape this living hell, the flashbacks, the poor relationship partners ive had in the past (emotionally abusive), having to figure out who I am (at 30 no doubt) and finding the courage to speak up for myself. Im defensive, moody and cranky all the time. All of these traits are against my nature. Everyone knows me to be jovial and very charming. not the past few months, I haven't been.