Hi! I have been seeing a man who may be Borderline. He has been treated for depression and takes medication for this. I fell for him quite heavily, introduced him to my friends and tried to 'help' him, however this contributed to acting out behaviours, flirting with other girls etc etc In the end, I felt it better that we went our separate ways. I thought he was ok with this but subsequently have found that he gets angry when i talk to other people, seems to block other relationships and seems to want to isolate me. In turn, I don't particularly want to engage with him so I suppose I have been rather off hand and have left when he arrives. I'm just not sure how to deal with the situation as I feel he has put me in a limbo state that is difficult to get out of. Have you any advice re: this? Many thanks
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I ma very sorry to know about your situation. Unhappily this is not an uncommon scenario whenever it is about people with BPD.
How does one deal with it in the best way'
It's making me very stressed and I can't seem to get my equilbrium back.
It sis essential for you to set healthy and clear boundaries, and to keep them consistently.
His modus operandi is to keep interrupting my conversations with other people, be quite intimidating, cut me out of things but then, he feels remorse so he is nice. He has also disrupted a friendship with another friend.
how do i set boundaries with him re: this?
He needs to respect you and the boundaries you set. Whenever he does not respect them, you need to confront such behaviors, confirm boundaries and set new ones as necessary.
Confront as in talk?
We are just friends now so the behaviour is quite difficult to pin down.
If a person is unable to even respect you as an adult, regardless of your attempts to promote a healthy change, then you need to set distance from such person, otherwise you would end enabling such abusive pattern.
so, avoid them?
Then, adult friendship requires mutual respect, without it, the friendship becomes dysfunctional and allowing it enables abuse, which becomes a vicious codependent circle.
How do I stop the enabling?
If a person abuses you, you need to confront the behavior and make it clear that in case that person does not respect you and your boundaries, you would have to do this or that in order to take good care of yourself, including setting distance from that person if necessary. Then you implement it with full consistency for it to work.
if he is unwilling and/or unable to change his disrespectful-abusive ways, you would need to end the friendship, once it is destructive - abusive.
I have been avoiding him a lot but we move in the same circles so it is quite difficult. I'm not sure that I have confronted him enough about his behaviour.I've probably just tried to avoid it which has made things worse
In front of people, he seems ok and friendly but I am aware that behind it he isn't hence trying to avoid.
Avoidance like denial, do not work. Issues, even more when they are about abuse and disrespect, need to be confronted right away, boundaries must be set, and full consistency implemented in order for you to take good care of yourself.
Ok- so I need to say it directly.
why do borderlines feel the need to do this?
This is something we need to implement in every relationship, but when it is about people with borderline p.d. it's essential, without this approach, such person would use, abuse, manipulate and neglect as much as allowed. poor boundaries and lack of healthy confrontation are fuels for the distortions people with borderline present.
They feel real "victims" or everybody. they do not hold accountability for their own feelings, choices and actions, so blame other people for their own mistakes and failures.
he does this thing of inviting me somewhere and then chatting to other people or leaving- i.e. abandoning me
Unless they truly work on themselves with consistent professional psychological support and have a "healthy support system" promoting it, no significant improvement would happen. Codependency s a core issue sin these people and on those who get into their vicious circle.
Manipulation is very common, but it could never happen unless the other person engages into it, and they do know how to pick those people and what to do to fuel this pattern.
what is a healthy support system? most of our friends appear to go along with his behaviour
what is a healthy support system? most of our friends seem to turn a blind eye or go along with him
the person's "support system" is conformed by family and close friends/partner, who directly and constantly influence and impact on the person's life and health. For example, if he gets "friends" who enable these unhealthy patterns of behavior, they become a dysfunctional support system, reinforcing the very borderline deficiencies, so the chances for the person to improve get undermined.
he has got worse recently and is drinking a lot
Dysfunctional families and unhealthy friends are the worst for people with this personality disorder.
Most times BPD presents comorbid mental health disorders, from anxiety and depression to substance abuse, so things get much more complicated.
i've noticed he has gone downhill recently- i was stronger at the beginning and he improved but if im not strong it doesnt work
and he seems to have taken up with a girl who does his every bidding
so the best way to go forward is to react when i feel uncomfortable with him
and to implement strict boundaries of behaviour
he would look for d do whatever he can to attach people who would play his codependent game.
as you can probably tell i am having difficulties moving on myself- codependency- but am trying
I believe you, and that's why I do recommend you getting individual counseling support to work on yourself and develop the very tools allowing to take better care of yourself and cope with it, eradicating codependency and any other unhealthy behavior.
yes, it's a simbiotic thing
what if i still have feelings for him?
That makes of your need for counseling even more important, an essential need I would say. Without working on yourself with necessary tools, you would perpetuate self-sabotage exposing to further abuse by this person.
is the foundation of this behaviour abuse within the family?
What we know is that serious neglect, abuse and trauma from infancy-childhood and teenage years are most times at the core of this disorder.
Ok, he is 40 now and it doesn't appear to be getting much better.
can i ask you about the fee? is it 49 flat rate?
Thanks for your help- i will follow up on the suggestions you have made. It is good to get clarification of the issue.
Unless he gets professional psychotherapy support and sticks to it working on himself and reality, he would not get better.
ok- that's sad
The fee you paid is fixed regardless the time we spend here.
Thank you for your trust.
ok, great- will it already have been debited from my card?
is it quite safe in terms of payment?
Please take good care and consistent action and feel free to contact me for any further support..
As long as I know it is.
Ok, many thanks for your help.
You're welcome. Bye for now.
Bye for now
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