So my husband's therapist has says he shows narcissistic traits...but for years he has labelled me as borderline and continues to see me that way...even when I was assessed with a psychiatrist just recently who reviewed my complete history dating back ten years and says that I am in recovery of post-partumn depression....am I always going to feel the blame for our issues?
Person's Gender: Female
Person's Age: 41
We have been in counselling for nine months...although now, I am going independent of him because he will not shift the focus from me and his insistence that this is MY issue of mental health and not anything reflective of his own behaviour.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am glad you are now going independently of your husband for some support...you deserve that.
Yes, it has caused a great deal of tension as I learn to be assertive
and not controlled
Being in a relationship with someone who has a personality can be extremely difficult and they are difficult to treat and as long as he doesnt feel the need to see his part in things the blame will be outward...that is what narcissists do.
I commend the strength you have shown.
but I am unsure if I should be hopeful for change if he does has narcissistic traits
although, I have thought this before his psychologist suggested it
he seems to wear it as a badge
yes because you are living with it and know first hand.
almost like he is not even aware of how these trait may affect us
and is it like someone with narcissistic traits to blame others and call them the problem?
I never want to remove hope...but all of the things you mention say to me that this will be a long and difficult road....not that change cant take place but it must come from within him and you havent said anything that tells me he sees how the issues affect you and your relaitonship.
he is determined to find me borderline
which I have been assessed for at his insistence
yes the narcissist cannot take on the blame because it is impossible for them to see themselves having any failings.
and my psych doc did not dx that
so is the key to continue to be assertive
we have four kids
i am sad that you went through that but I understand why you would...the manipulation is also part of his traits.
I don't work
I am not sure I could leave
I have been a very submissive wife so to speak and now realize I gave up a lot of power
I understand that and I am not suggesting that. But I am suggesting that you dont lose yourself in this relationship due to his controlling ways.
yes and I can hear that.
yes, and I wonder how to relate in a healthy way when he is stonewalling me
because I am not just doing what he wants
he is very angry and tense
although he would never admit it
and so it is incredibly hard to have a basic conversation
and yet all he wants is to be intimate
yes because by you taking some power back it threatens the status quo and tha make him nervous.
how can we do that??? When we hardly talk right now?
yes because the intimacy is for himself.
I get that...and he admits that
There is a great book for you to have. http://www.amazon.com/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-Absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340848442&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist
awesome...I have a few of them...but not that one
do you have this one? http://www.amazon.com/The-Object-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1340848442&sr=8-6&keywords=living+with+a+narcissist
will a therapist who has said he has narcissist traits be able to read through him well enough, do you think....or will they be taken in as well???
The "trick" is to not lose yourself in the relationship while stroking his needs.
I think if the therapist has been intuitive and skilled enough to see this it is unlikely he will be taken in
well, he is highly recommended and has been years and years in the field so I am hoping he will be able to help
And he wants to continue doing family things with others...and when we are around others, he acts as if everything is ok....it is so strange
I think he will...he has gotten it right so far. Definitely get yourself some therapy as you said as that will be your saving grace as well.
and it is such an act
yes, I have been seeing two individuals once a week for a year now
I have grown a lot and so realize now that this is NOT all my fault
I am truly proud of you and so very hard to do that work because you have his "tapes" playing in your head telling you otherwise.
I always thought he was sort of passive aggressive but as I have been establishing personal boundaries he is becoming more outwardly agressive
just in my face
but relationships dont function that way...there are 3 things in a relationship...you, him and the relationship and if ALL 3 aren't being attended to the relationship suffers and clearly only one thing has been attended to here and that is him.
Yes because he is trying to maintain the status quo.
that is some great work you are doing.
right...and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...there are extended family dynamics which are odd too
and the in-laws live a block away
ay not easy for you
but I assume the behaviour began there with his protective/ smothering mom who never let him fail and bailed him out of everything
so in their eyes, I am ruining their son and his image...
it truly can make me feel ill
are you sure you are not a therapist? :-) you are doing great.
the way they elevate him
I have been doing a lot of reading ...
yes and sadly that has truly hurt him and his relationships
and have done a LOT of therapy
yes, I have found a book on our shelf called the Mum Factor
he did read it years ago
and now it makes so much more sens
I am so glad for you...truly you could have just sat quietly and continued to suffer and you havent
we just had our 18 anniversayr
I can not do another 18 years like this
and I don't know what it will be like when the kids are gone
I have to think of that
when is he vulnerable? because narcissists are.
when I threaten to leave
that has been what has brought him to every initial counselling situation
when I seek a lawyers opinion
he gets desperate then
so underneath his bravado is a scared little boy afraid to be left.....so that is the spot you need to engage him on and encourage and nourish...does that make sense?
and he is vulnerable when the kids reject him
yes and that is classic for a narcissist to feel so scared to be unloved.
I have stopped engaging in divorce for now
shoot, I have to pick up my kids
understanding that may give you the ability to have some empathy for it. Not that you havent but it is very easy to hate the narcissist.
thank you for chatting :)
yes, I hear that
ok. If you would be so kind to give me a positive rating asuming you found my work to be great service.
and I am trying to find areas to have empathy
yes thank you
my pleasure. come request me anytime.
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach