Is it best to have little to no contact with a spouse who you are seperated from due to an affair?
Person's Gender: Female
Person's Age: 39
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
Can you tell me a bit more about your circumstances?
Does your husband live with you?
How does he act towards you, i.e. does he also desire to have less contact?
Are you both intending on getting a divorce and are there kids involved?
My husband is technically still living in the house but is getting an apt to live in. I found out in March or April bout the affair. He is full of mixed signals sometimes he will be home when I am and it is like we are best friends and we talk about what been going on. A couple of times he has asked me to have oral sex with him and I did once but I can't do it anymore. This week he left of Friday didn't here from him til sunday when he called to see if I needed him to let the dogs out as I work two jobs I said no but he came by and I have no idea why. Hasn't been at the house to sleep since last thursday. most of the time on weekends he is with his girlfriend and if I call or text I get no repsonse but he says at times he does miss me and I am a big part of his life. Just don't know what to do or how to feel
First, I am sorry this is happening to you. Anytime a spouse strays outside the marriage it can cause strain to the marriage and undermine trust, which is essential to a good marriage. It is also extremely painful to cope with, especially if he continues with the behavior. There needs to be clarification on some issues before you can decide what to do: One, is your husband sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your marriage will be difficult. Two, has your husband stopped all contact with this other person? He must do so as a first step to regaining your trust. If he is still spending weekends with his girlfriend, then he has not taken responsibility for the affair and he is not putting you first. Three, has he done anything to start repairing the marriage? If he is still sleeping around, then he may not intend to fix the marriage. He may just be thinking of himself and want to stay with you as a back up and also be able to be with other people. That is not fair to you since he is putting his own feelings first. Four, are the two of you talking about what happened? Your husband needs to be open and honest about what he did and is doing. He broke the marriage vows and dragged you into another relationship. He needs to own up to it. If he is not willing, then it may be better for you to move on. See if your husband is willing to see a therapist with you. If he won't go with you, go on your own. You need to find out how you want to handle this situation. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often very good marriage counselors. Also, if you have problems affording therapy, try your local community mental health center. They can offer therapy on a sliding scale fee system. There are some books that may help you decide what you want to do:Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.The most important factor now is to see if your husband is willing to give up the other relationship(s) and work on your marriage. If not, then you might need to start thinking about what you want to do about the marriage.I hope this has helped you,KateKate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC41087.8072049421
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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