I am a 59 year old husband of a 59 year old wife . Two grown kids , one gone, one drug addicted son, 30, still here and without direction in life. My wife has done her duty faithfully in the child / sex departemnt, but, now has, in addition, left my bed for what seems forever. I truely care for her and miss my bed partner alot. She always avoids the issue, won't talk about it. Is this unusual ? I believe in wedding vows, she stood by me thru AA years and loss of job, etc, but now after all that is behind us has left my side. she does suppor t me in all ways but this. Curreently she or we are dealong with her aging parents and my sons addiction. I an\m an artist and a good one so I have a release and hobby, she is a school teacher ina neat private school, We should be really happy at this stage in the game. Any advice or education will meet open ears.
Person's Gender: Male
Person's Age: 59
Tried to talk to no avail. took on chores, dishes, laundry, cooking, I do stink at cleaning but try.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXX XXX I'd like to help you out.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your wife, from what you wrote it sounds like things had always been good in your relationship until recently
Can you tell me what you mean exactly by her "leaving the bed?"
Pretty much so, This is more of a communication block. we could work it out if we could talk but the communication block makes in impossible, I am 5 years sober and thought that with that behind me we would grow moew together, she was strong when I was weak and our son is all consuming dr jecle; and mr hyde.. She doesn't know how to fix it. I thinkI do but am not allowed because of the tough love way I would do it. I think my son is a huge aprt of it but really don't know what to do there. I do not subscribe to the "the man makes the rules" deal. Everyone has a chance to lead here.
I am going to be bvack in 3 minutes to get a coffee from the kitch, I shall return.
I totally respect that you give everyone a fair chance to lead in your household, and I think that's the right way to do it especially if everyone has had their problems at one point or another. I'm not sure I'm understanding what this communication block is that you're mentioning, or what exactly needs to be fixed? Can you also explain what your tough love solution would be?
Welcome back, can you explain what this communication block is between you and your wife, and what your tough love approach would be?
Tough love? Currently he lives with us, we pay for everythnig, all his money goes for drugs. I would like to remove the roof and put him on the street so he can make a decision to get help himself. It has to be him that does it, I know, I went to get help and expected throwing money at treatment places would fix me. It doesn't . I know. it is a perfect drug abusers stituation.. The communication block is that she simply won't talk about it, changes the subject , tells me shes to tired, too much already. She carries around alot of sadness, I wish she wouldn't. I would like us to be closer, Sex is not necessary, I wouldn't turn it down but it is not necessary. Sometimes pillow talk is very rewarding and one pillow is always unused. Does that help. One important thing, she will never go to counselling, never, never. Its sort of always someone else that needs it in her eyes.
I'm not sure if this chat program is working properly so I'm going to go ahead and type my response, and then you can follow up with me when we're done and I'll make sure to answer any other questions of yours.
From what I understand it seems like your son is one of the main causes of friction right now, and understandably so. I can understand why you'd want to take a tough love approach to that situation, although it is important that your wife is on board with this too.
I have a mens breakfast meeting in a few, will I be able to contact you later, even later today ? I still have about 15 min.
sure, that's no problem, once we finish here you'll still be able to follow up with me at any time
If the communication was better earlier in your relationship, that may be a good reference point to discuss with your wife and examine how things got to the point they are now.
I am an artist and before that a creative director in an ad agency so i guess that means I have always been an ego maniac, I am carrying around more weight that before, I am an attention whore if i can use such strong language. Thats sort of me.
However it is important that she recognizes that is a problem that needs to be worked on too.
What needs to be fixed, I just would be able to talk to my wife instead of fighting and i don't know how to do that, I've tried a lot of tacts.
I see. She's entitled to not like your approach, but it is still important that you work on solutions together
If there was a time in your relationship where you communicated more effectively, it may be helpful to just have a conversation about that. It can also help to set up a time in advance to discuss certain serious things, so that no one feels caught off guard, or is put on the defensive.
If you're starting to feeling like it's going around in circles and there's no resolution, it can certainly help just to have a session with a marriage counselor just to settle some of these issues with a third party who has an objective point of view.
Leaving the bed.? We don't sleep together, have not in going on years, She just sleeps anywhere else. We have 5 bedrooms. It's also not the sleeping, Its the closness, I do miss cold feet on my back.
If she doesn't feel like this is a problem, that puts you in a very difficult position. However this obviously is a very real problem that needs to be addressed since most people desire that closeness in relationships
In order to start making progress you do need her to at least be willing to work with you and talk about these things without fighting, but if you have tried everything, it's possible that you aren't actually doing anything wrong and that part of the issue lies on her end.
Considering the multiple problems that she is struggling with, the closeness in your relationship, aging parents, son's addiction, it seems like she would certainly benefit from counseling and if you were to go with her it would likely greatly improve your relationship together. Stress in general can have a big impact on people, and you are not the source of all of these stressors which is why it's important for her to find a way to manage them more effectively.
This is a bit of a rambling convo' sorry. My son is a big part of it, my daughter living in DC is another, Currently I give my som no support, no money ( he has no job) I actually think he couldn't hold one without stealing from the company. It's pretty bad.
It does sound like your son needs some help, but it is hard to push a 30yr old to get help if they don't want it. Sometimes in that situation the last resort is to take the tough love approach. To do otherwise would be enabling his behavior.
A marriage counselor just ain't gonna happen, no way no how, out of the question. That would be her admitting weakness which really would be a great and huge beginning . My wife is almost a pscycologist and I guess I am her lifetime thesis. With that going I would think we could have some very productive conversations, but, we don't. I do think thast the old fashioned going o a date would maybe help, if I can get her death grip off others problems. The good thing is that out in the public it's unlikely that she would run off or have an aguement. I will do that. I have to go to my 8:00. please respond to this in email if you would and i will read and respond. But you have been a good sounding board so far. I want you to "accidentally" run into my wife and "accidentally" bring up all this crap. NOWE that would work. I am going to think about that. I don't think most head docs would go so far as play that game, but, there has to be a way in which eludes me. Gotta run. Good so far.
Thanks, i know you have to run so that's no problem. It is a tough situation if your wife won't budge or compromise, but you may be right that a date in a public setting may allow you both to have a more calm discussion about some of these more serious topics.
I'll follow up with you in more detail and we'll be in touch.
Individual and Family Therapist
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Thanks I just wanted to follow up with you as I said. It seems like a main part of the issue not that you are unwilling to talk about these problems, but finding a productive way to do that. In that way, a public meeting place could help as you suggested. It may also help to tell her that you want to talk about a few things ahead of time, just so that she is prepared for the conversation and doesn't feel attacked or manipulated by the suggestion of a 'date' that turns into a serious conversation. I would hope that as a psychologist your wife would at least recognize the importance of resolving these problems instead of letting them continue on indefinitely. As long as you are open and willing to communicate and compromise, to some extent you have done your part, and at that point you need her to be as willing and open to work on this as you are in order to make progress. Best of luck with everything and feel free to write back later on.Ryan