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DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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How can I be open and affirming with my husband about his confession

Resolved Question:

How can I be open and affirming with my husband about his confession of being attracted to transgendered women but still be strong and honest about serious questions that it's giving me?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DrFee replied 2 years ago.

DrFee :

Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.


 

DrFee :

I imagine that you are still feeling some "shock" at this point, given that you've only known for a day.


 

Customer:

still in shock. i've been coin a lot of online research today

DrFee :

I would encourage you to expect that your emotions are going to go on a roller coaster ride for quite a while.


 

Customer:

I'm not sure if I'm more concerned with my emotions or his. I'm still a little confused.

Customer:

I want to ask so many questions about the history of it all and how its going to (If its going to ) affect our sex life.

Customer:

but i don't want to embarrass him. It was difficult for him to disclose this. he's a good man.

DrFee :

Yes, I wouldn't expect that you'd have a good understanding at this point. And I would expect that to be your first question!


 

DrFee :

It seems like you'll need to have some places (like say here) or with a therapist (I suggest that because of the confidentiality) to vent your emotions and sort them out. It sounds like it was very brave of him to disclose this and that he trusts you.


 

DrFee :

You could say exactly that to him, "I am so glad you trusted me with your innermost feelings. I don't want to embarrass you or make you feel bad. But, I do have questions, because I want to understand you better and how this might affect or not affect our relationship."


 

DrFee :

And you could add empathy too --that must have been so difficult for you to share --etc.


 

Customer:

Is there good data about alternative porn being super unhealthy?

Customer:

I always though it was okay. But being attracted to a different gender....yikes. That's huge!

Customer:

I think i might think its unhealthy to be with on gender and fantasize about another

DrFee :

This is just my opinion --I think the effects of pornography are defined by whether or not it hurts the real life relationship. You will find support for all porn to be unhealthy and support for it to not be . Here's one interesting article that doesn't quite address what you just asked: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental


 

DrFee :

It is not uncommon, though for men or woman to fantasize about the opposite sex.


 

DrFee :

Whether or not it's unhealthy depends on the degree ---


 

Customer:

great. information is so critical at this point.

DrFee :

If his attraction is just a fantasy, it might not be so bad. If it is an addiction and/or at the expense of your sexual relationship, then it's a problem.


 

Customer:

you are right. I am so okay with same sex fantasy...maybe this is okay too.

Customer:

okay. good. so what I am looking for....

Customer:

sex becoming a negative thing.

Customer:

and what is his degree of interest. just looking or real interest in a real person

DrFee :

Yes --porn or fantasy should never be at the expense of a real relationship


 

DrFee :

Exactly --your last statement is what is important here.


 

Customer:

fidelity is a big deal for both of us. i do trust hi,

Customer:

him...

DrFee :

That's great.


 

Customer:

i am worried that he might start asking for things i don't do. (haha) okay. thats good. i don't think i realized that yet.

Customer:

that might be my issue. fear that i will have to break it off if i see something unhealthy.

Customer:

that would be horrible.

DrFee :

That can always be a little tricky --but it happens a lot --where one person asks for something the other doesn't want to give. It doesn't have to be a big deal if it's just a fantasy and the person does not "need" it for the relationship as a whole. Yes, as our chat progresses I've started to wonder if maybe you had panicked just a bit .


 

DrFee :

What I was trying to say, is sometimes we (or our partners) ask for things, the answer is "no" and that's the end of it.


 

Customer:

panic. great word for me. I am panicking.

Customer:

i'm cool with saying no, just sad about having to say no. does that make sense?

DrFee :

OK --try to not catastrophize or make big leaps. Yes, I think it would be normal for a bit of sadness --if you are a person who wants to please your husband and it's just something that's not going to work for you. And, he would probably feel it too. But it doesn't have to be a relationship killing event.


 

Customer:

okay. this has been great. WAY better than +++hours of researching message boards.

DrFee :

:) I'm so glad. And you are welcome!


 

Customer:

I think i'm all set. thanks

DrFee :

OK. Take good care.


 

DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience: I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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