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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
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Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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I am in a gay relationship for about 2 years, My partner and

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I am in a gay relationship for about 2 years, My partner and I have different viewpionts about pornografy , he say he feel betrayed if I watch pornografie and that if I do I doesn't love him if I do. is there a book that you can suggest for us on this topic or please just advice
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Is it something done in secrecy or do you let him know when you're going to watch it? Is it just videos/movies or websites where people can talk to others via web cam?

 

The two of you are most likely aware that men are visually aroused/stimulated. It is a fact about how the brain works. There is a study that outlines the difference b/w how the brains of gay oriented men differ from those who've identified their partner preference as heterosexual (here).

It may be that your libido is higher than his which can also contribute to your interest in the videos. Something to be mindful on your part would be if the behavior had become addictive or if it is within the manageable and healthy parameters.

 

Does your partner feel that the attention you allocate to this is taking away from the attention or affection you could display to him? Would he be all right to watch a video with you? Does he compare himself or the relationship dynamics (sexual intimacy) to what is portrayed in the videos? All of these questions would have to be clarified by him to determine what exactly is the most upsetting part to him in regard to your behavior.

 

He decides 1) how to interpret your behavior 2) how to feel and 3) what to think about it (see it as cheating, taking time away from him, a distraction to the relationship, and 4) how to view himself (esteem/insecurity issues) Was there infidelity in his own family that could be also triggering his reaction (even subconsciously)?

Perhaps he could write down a list of A) What happens and B) what emotions and thoughts it evokes within him. Then he can look at associations such as: When you do this___________, it reminds me of__________, I feel_________because__________ and spend some time in self introspection and claim some ownership about his own reaction/interpetation of this situation.

 

Your partner's interpretation of your behavior can be related to his self esteem issues if what you're doing is simply watching and not trying to connect in anyway with other men. His insecurity can manifest in him feeling "betrayed." No matter what you do or say, he is the one that ultimately would have to address his self esteem and how it may be harming the relationship if left unresolved on his part.

 

This book is more about giving you some idea as to why he may feel this way depending on whether or not you also interact with anyone online or develop feelings for -

Love Online: Emotions on the Internet

 

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks! From the beginning of our relationship he was very outspoken against watching porn while in a relationship, he admits he also watched it while he was single . I did refrain from watching and because I was not allowed did so now and again in secrecy at work. must confess my libido is much higher than his although we do have a wonderful sex life ,I definitely cant complain. I do not interact on the web just watch pic's and clips. he says if I do that that I must have active chat profile's (do not have) and other relationships (do not have ).HE admits that he is very jelouse- got hurt and was cheated on in previos relationships.I do affirm him a lot telling him how goodlooking and sexy he is . He says if I wach porn I lied to him and that I am looking for a bettter looking and bigger man. I am not in the marked for another man. Must I refrain from wathing porn to resolve this or is there a way of letting him see that watching porn doesn't make me love him less of want him less. I realy want to invest in this relationship. I think he believes there is no room to watch porn while in a relationship, together or alone.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

You don't have to refrain from watching porn in order for the relationship to function well. He is clearly having trust and self esteem issues. It is possible that he's displacing feelings of mistrust and hurt onto you that he experienced as a result of being cheated on in past relationship by his former partners.

 

If he is confident in your feelings for him, and confident in himself, this should not be such a big issue. A loving and solid relationship still allows for each partner some sense of autonomy and, it does not have a component of possessiveness in it. He's asking you to do what he desires and yet disregarding or getting upset at what you desire. That has to do with some control issues. He may feel a lack of self control which, he projects onto you by focusing on your porn watching. If this is not an addictive behavior and as you indicated, you're committed to the relationship and not looking for anyone else, then he would have to exercise some flexibility on his part. It is his wish not to watch the videos together at home with you. It would be helpful for him to try and examine his destructive to the relationship beliefs.

 

As far as how he does it would depend on what he wants to do i.e. self help, counseling, challenge his interpretation, learn to trust you, addresses his self esteem and resolves past hurt, etc.He has to understand that even when a person does not watch porn, they can still find another person attractive or become unfaithful if they want to do it. You would want to figure out what lies behind your need to watch the porn i.e. boredom, curiosity, the need to feel aroused more frequently etc (what purpose does it serve for you) If you think that it is a behavior that you can halt just out of appeasing him or because you respect his sensitivity, then it may not be a difficult thing to let go of as long as you don't feel forced/pressured doing it.

 

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks again < it is good to hear that I dont have to feel guilty about watching porn and that it is not the biggest wrong in our relation ship. What angle can I use in discussing this with out letting him feel accussed or the wrong one in the relationship, but only to help him to see my point of view.

I qoute a sentense from your answer-

"A loving and solid relationship still allows for each partner some sense of autonomy and, it does not have a component of possessiveness in it." Can you suggest a book or article about this -I believe if we learn more about this we can grow in a healthy relationship .

Again thanks so much

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Love being non possessive is an idea that Osho spoke about that I've adopted and respect.

Jealousy, Love, and Relating in the 21st Century - Osho

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX thing - my partner thinks it is totaly wrong to watch porn ,he send me a mail with a checklist to see if I am a porn addict. Not so!

From your feedback it is fine as long its managable and not to the detrament of others and work, is there a article to explain why it can be ok to watch porn and why some people do watch porn moderately.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

People can watch porn which, when not an addiction is a choice and entertainment. Your partner has made up his mind to view porn as a bad thing all together.

The research although of heterosexual men concluded: "Pornography hasn't changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible"

Research Suggests All Men Watch Pornography

Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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