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DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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hello. I have recently been having having problems with my

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hello. I have recently been having having problems with my Fiance' because I find myself getting jealous of his 8 year old daughter and all the time he spends with her. I think the reason I get jealous is because my father never wanted anything to do with me, the only attention from my father i got was him asking me to go get him another beer. This has caused us to break up and I was just wondering if maybe the reason I get jealous of her is because I never had a good relationship with my father? And how can I fix my relationship now?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DrFee replied 2 years ago.

Hello! Please remember that my response is for information only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

 

It is easier to feel jealousy than to feel the deep pain that is present from having a father who wasn't there for you emotionally. Jealousy is outwardly focused (like anger) and can put the energy on another source (your fiancee's daughter) rather than focusing on your own feelings.

 

You probably have a lot of grieving to do with regards XXXXX XXXXX fact that your father wasn't the father that he should have been towards you. Are you familiar with the five stages of grieving? I'll post them here:

 

1. Denial (This could either be disbelief that your father wasn't a good father, or a disbelief in the effects that it has had on you)

2. Anger: (Can be at you father, God, yourself, another person, etc)

3. Bargaining (If only I had _________ (fill in the blank), then he wouldn't have been like that OR If only he had/hadn't __________, then ________wouldn't have happened)

4. Depression: Sadness over the truth about your father

5. Acceptance: You never forget, but acceptance involves getting to a place where you can live your life again and are not so heavily weighed down by it, or you move into a place where you are not jealous of your fiancee's little girl.

The stages do not necessarily occur in order, and you can go back and forth between them before the grieving is over.

 

Another dynamic to consider --if you expect something from your fiancee that he cannot give (i.e. something to meet a need that you didn't get from your father) --this could occur even if he didn't have a daughter.

 

The best thing you can do to repair your relationship would be to go into individual therapy and address the father issues. If you resolve that issue then it will be removed from your relationship.

 

Please feel free to follow up with me!

DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience: I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.
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I help people overcome anxiety and enjoy life again.