Got it. Until tomorrow! Kate
Hi Kate,hope you're having a good Sunday. My day has felt better overall, less tense, but still not feeling very grounded. The weather has been lovely, but I didn't manage to get the dogs out. Lola is having plenty of fun with the plethora of teens that have turned up to watch the football (England have got to the quarters of the European cup, therefore great excitement!), and the rest. D has been out since 3pm, had a 'gig' then football at the pub, so I won't see him again today. Poppy is with her bf, AGAIN, be off to pick up shortly.On that note, bf's, what is the legal age of consent in your part of the world? It's 16 here. Poppy has just turned 14, he bf is 16. I changed Poppy's bed today, and put a few things away in her top drawer, and spotted some leaflets about chlamydia, and the tell tale paper bag with condoms and a packet of contraceptive pills, untouched. I see she's prepared, but when I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago she was reassuring that she wouldn't go there. I have talked to her about lying to me on another occasion, not bc she had, or bc I suspected she had, but in general, bc one of her friends was in trouble with her parents for lying. there is no date or name on the pill packet, so I don't know if they have been obtained specifically for her, or she's been given them, or when they were obtained. So far I don't think she has.Again I feel I'm on my own, I don't wish to discuss with D, and I will handle this alone. I was able to talk to Sam about it quite smoothly, but he was older when I was aware of goings on. I tried to sort the divorce paperwork out tonight but need some information from the Inland Revenue. I might pay the court fees to get it moving on, and claim it back once I have all the information I need, otherwise it will be held up by at least 10 days. I will ring Mark in the morning just to check it's OK to do that. I'm sure D has had it in mind that the divorce will be all over by now, and bc nothing has happened and I haven't said anything, I guess he thinks it's not going to happen. He has been 'nice' to me today, offering me a cup of tea, boiled egg etc. I have done my best to avoid him, and have been where he wasn't as much as possible. I did a bit of weeding in the drive, which has been long awaited, until my back broke!!Off to fetch Poppy shortly, back in a whileRose
H Rose,It's good that you are feeling better today. But I am still concerned with the amount of stress you have on you, including the situation with Poppy. You have Sam and his drug use (condoned by Dave) and now Poppy possibly having sex with her boyfriend. Both of those are major concerns. And you are handling it all as a single parent who is in the middle of a divorce and living with an abusive spouse. Whoa, that is a lot of stress.I am mostly concerned about how you feel you are coping with all of this stress. You do have a lot of support with K, Adele and me (and possibly Ziggy in the near future). You also have good friends and your sister, who may help you with Sam. But there is still lot on your plate. And in the end, you have to do most of the heavy lifting. How you deal with Poppy depends on your view of her sex life. If you are comfortable with what she is doing and feel she only needs to be safe, that is one thing. But if you are uncomfortable with what she might be doing, then a talk might be in order. As far as I know, there is no age of consent here in the U.S. Teen sex is frowned upon but that does not stop most kids. And teen pregnancy is a big issue. Most states do not allow teens to be given contraceptives without a parent's consent, but condoms are sold in stores so there is no limit to access. The only law is that if a person age 18 or over has sex with a person under 18, charges of rape can be brought against them. Poppy might be aware of the consequences of her actions, but hearing it from you helps a lot. At the age of 14, kids are not developed enough yet to understand how serious their actions are. So stepping in is a good idea if you want to go that route.How about you? How are you feeling about all of this? Do you feel you are coping ok? You mentioned not having Dave around all day so that is a big help. But you still have a houseful of kids and concerns with Poppy being with her boyfriend. That is still a lot of stress. How can I help?Kate
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Ah thanks Kate,I am rather at boiling point I admit, head somewhere else. I have to get Poppy now, I'll talk more when I'm back.H Rose
Ok, talk to you then!
Big sigh.Poppy. I have seen little of her this weekend, the most I see her these days is on journeys here and there, but there are plenty of those. She and I haven't taken her pony out in several months, she's too busy with friends, and I don't feel well enough to make the effort. We talked about him the other day (her pony) and she said she wants to get back riding him again. It's not long til the hols, so I must push for that. It was a good time for us to spend time together and we talked all the while, she rode and I walked.But I have also not been trying hard to spend time with her when she is home, and have needed to be in my room. She comes to be with me here for short visits, but I don't like spending time in the lounge where she often is. I still feel I have a good bond with her, and I'm watching her movements closely. I know she spends time in Sam's room when the others are smoking, but I am certain that she isn't, but she is well aware of it. I have trusted her not to have sex with her bf, I am certain that she hasn't so far. I see the acquisition of contraceptives to be a peer support, as I know an older friend had a visit to a 'Dr' one day after school to which Poppy was asked to accompany her. Poppy didn't tell me the reason for the visit. The pills and condoms have been obtained from a 'walk-in' contraception clinic in the city's High Street. I wonder if she got them while she was there with her friend, but I'm only guessing.I'm not comfortable with her having sex at her age. I know her friends talk about it, most of them are older than she is. I'm happy for her to have a bf, but the fact that he is 16 does concern me. It is an offence to have sex under the age of 16, particularly if one party is over 16, as you say, it can be classed as rape. Poppy has told me of underage pregnancies at her school, she would be mortified if that happened to her. They have quite a thorough sex education in the first few years of senior school, so they are far more clued up than I ever was, and she is mentally mature for 14, again a concern.Driving to pick her up tonight I thought about talking to her on the way home, but I felt I hadn't seen her much this weekend, so I wanted to have a light conversation, and decided to leave it for another time.My head has been busy with my burdens today, I have kept myself quiet, alone as much as I can, Sam has been at work, but I have spent a short while with him this evening sorting out his driving test and car insurance, and we have eaten together. But I am exhausted, and my body is very sore. I forgot to give myself that TLC you ordered yesterday, I wouldn't know what to do for me anyway today. I was thinking as I was making supper that I should put the TV on, watch the news, there might be something I could settle and watch, but after more than a year of not watching any TV much I don't want the intrusion on my quiet.I don't know if I'm coping, I feel like I'm slipping away more and more, retreating to my hideout, no room for other people , only space for me, and I don't feel like I'm helping myself be better by doing this, I should be putting myself out there, but there's only so much I want to talk about. I could have gone to church this morning, but it didn't occur to me until I drove past the church with Sam on his way to work, then I thought about what I was wearing, and thought I can't go like this. But being able to be apart from D and just pass him by (but I had to communicate on some level with him bc he was being jolly and excited that he was playing this afternoon), Oh I nearly forgot, Mark came by just as I was leaving to take Sam to work, got D out of bed! (I left him that pleasant job!) But he stayed for a long coffee, I sat at the table with them, I was having my late breakfast as I always do these days (can't eat til at least 10), but I just sat quietly doing some puzzles to keep me distracted.My head doesn't feel like the time-bomb it has done on previous times of severe stress, but I don't feel it's totally with me, and I'm not thinking well, my concentration terrible. I have made some bad online decisions that I hope won't cause me grief, but have been worrying me today.You help me by just listening Kate, I can't ask for more. I am struggling to fall asleep these nights, the night before last I had to take some diazepam to settle me, but last night I coped OK with K's hypnotherapy recording. My body feels in a constant state of tension, or anxiety, but I only notice it when I think about it, or when I lie for a rest. Mum phoned this evening to invite me for lunch tomorrow. I had no excuses to make, so lunch it is.Do you want to copy this to my new question once I've asked it? It's late now, I shall try to get to sleep if I can move under the dogs! Lola always squashes me up in my little bed, but I can't sleep without her now (nor my rabbit!)Goodnight dearest KateH Rosex
PS Since the new way of accepting I don't think I've been asked to leave feedback and can't work out how to leave it- I've been to my feedback page several times but there is no indication of answers needing feedback like there has been before. I'll ask a moderator if I can't leave it after my next accept. :)HR
I will transfer this new post to the new thread for you so we can start there.
With the new system (JA is going to become Pearl.com in a few months- transfer has started!) the feedback is now through your rating when you "accept". More changes coming but it should be a slow integration.
See you over on the new thread!