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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 238
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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In aug. of 2010 my wife said she wasnt happy anymore. On Jan.1

Resolved Question:

In aug. of 2010 my wife said she wasn't happy anymore. On Jan.1 2011, she said she did not love me anymore, In April of 11' she said she was moving out. In Sept she rented an apartment and on Apr. 28 2012 she did move out. She no longer wears her wedding rings and shows no love towards me. We have 2 children ages 6 & 3. maybe this is why it took her so long to move. She refuses to discuss or work on our marriage, but she also doesn't talk about divorce. I don't know what she wants and I am tired of living in limbo. Since Jan. 2011 I have been to counsel and have focused on making myself the best husband I can be. I see now how I hurt her emotionally by being selfish and not being a good listener. In Nov she said she sees a change in me but it is to little to late. We talk almost everyday (because of the kids) and right now we are sharing custody. My question is; is there any hope for our marriage or is it time for me to give up and move on?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I am sorry that you are stuck in such limbo; this is really the hardest place to be in any relationship. I am wondering if you have set any boundaries about needing to move forward with your life and how she may have reacted to this?


 

Heidi LPC :

Clearly, you have given the issue time and attention with getting some counseling for yourself. Has she even considered going together?


 

Customer:

we went together 3 times in the fall of 2011. she said to the counsler she did not want to improve our marriage. Whenever I pushed her on moving in a direction she gets angry and moves furthur away. she says I was to controlling and I was, so I think when I ask her to do something now she feels I am trying to control her.

Customer:

I know this all sounds bad, Then why hasn't she asked for a divorce or just filed herself?

Heidi LPC :

And so the counseling just didn't change anything for her, or find any common ground to build on...


 

Heidi LPC :

I wonder; is it financial? Is she hoping that you will file?


 

Customer:

no, the counseling was a waste of time and money.

Heidi LPC :

Is it financial? The reason she hasn't filed?

Heidi LPC :

And, have you asked her this question? Or are you afraid it may push her further away?

Heidi LPC :
Customer:

I don't know her reasoning. She hasn't told me she wants a divorce. I know our kids are holding her back along with her religous beliefs and her families beliefs.

Heidi LPC :

I would be thinking in a similar fashion as you are by now; it is past time for you to have an answer about the direction of your life. Are you just about ready to ask her if it is time to make the separation permanent?


 

Customer:

I haven't asked. one time I told her if she wasn't willing to give our marriage a chance then she should just file. she didn't say anything and hasn't filed

Heidi LPC :

Your initial question was "is there hope?" and to that there is no solid answer I can give... but I can say that if you are ready to hear her answer on this, you might feel that it is time to ask.


 

Customer:

we have only been separated for 2 months of it has been almost 2 years since this started.

Heidi LPC :

There is always hope... it is just a matter of if you can put your life on hold to wait and find out... :-)


 

Customer:

If I push for an answer she feels I am trying to control her and not giving her time and space. she has moved very slowly with every decision

Heidi LPC :

I know, and you are in a delicate position. You don't want to push her, but yet you want an answer! As I said, limbo is really a rough place to be. We can only really deal with ourselves and our wishes and wants; and they say actions speak louder than words. Do her actions give you hope?


 

Customer:

what is a resonable amount of time? I have to think of what is best for our children and even she says it would be best for them for us to be together.

Customer:

sometimes yes and most times no

Customer:

she sends mixed messages

Customer:

she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, this is very frustrating for me

Heidi LPC :

You can only really go with what your gut intuition tells you... and yes, I was just going to say she isn't very clear in her communication style! This is extremely frustrating to endure... and you can't wait forever... you have a right to know which direction to take with your life and get out of this holding pattern.


 

Heidi LPC :

Have either of you talked about seeing other people?


 

Customer:

she is stuck in the past and doesn't seem to believe any changes I made will last and she is scared to give it a chance.

Customer:

no there is noone else that I am aware of and she says she is not interested in dating

Heidi LPC :

Fear is a tough battle to overcome for some people... but there comes a time when a person has to make a solid decision. Do you want to keep waiting, or do you want to move on?

Heidi LPC :

(I know... I am pushing a bit here)... ;-)


 

Customer:

I am willing to wait, I am just looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. If there is no hope then I am also readt to just get this over with

Customer:

I am affraid if I end this, I might regret it, maybe if I just wait a little longer things will improve

Customer:

it is darkest just before the dawn

Customer:

I also don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting

Heidi LPC :

Then you have your answer! You are going to wait a bit more until you are completely exhausted and have no regrets about it... and yes, there is always hope; I only caution you that without any counseling that is helpful, you may just both repeat the same mistakes you did before. But, be honest with her while you wait; let her know that you are waiting... and that you want to work it out.

Heidi LPC :

You won't. Go with your gut; your intuition will tell you when it is time to give it up, if that becomes the case. Trust the journey.


 

Heidi LPC :

You don't have to know, until you know!


 

Heidi LPC :

And if you don't know now, accept that and just go out for a nice jog!! ;-)


 

Customer:

she knows, I have told her many times I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our family. I am still in counseling for myself, I am a different person then I was 2 years ago

Heidi LPC :

And that is the very best thing you can do in a time like this; focus your energy on growing personally and learning as much as you can from the circumstances. That is admirable and the best thing for everyone involved!


 

Customer:

Neither of us ever cheated there was no physical abuse. she did not have to work as I supported our family and she got almost everything she wanted. I just didn't meet her emotional needs

Customer:

that doesn't help with my frustration

Customer:

we also had 3 miscarriages and she took turning 30 very hard. In fact this all started shortly after she turned 30

Heidi LPC :

A very common problem in marriages; you may have had some things to learn about emotions for a variety of reasons, but marital discord takes two. Blaming yourself won't help. Taking action, as you have, to learn from your mistakes and to become a better man is the answer. Whether or not she will be the one who benefits from your added understanding is to be determined; but all you can do is deal with you. We can only really control ourselves.


 

Customer:

what are the chances she gives our marriage another chance?

Heidi LPC :

So, giving up the need to steer this ship may be the lesson you need to get from this most of all... and it will be tough, but just let go of your need to know. My intuition in such a brief exchange without many facts is on the fence; is she ever affectionate? Does she ever touch you or laugh with you?


 

Customer:

she hugs me when we see each other (she hugs everyone) and yes when we are together we smile and laugh and have a good time. Then a few days later she will tell me she feels sick when she is around me and is not comfortable around me.

Customer:

everyone who knows her says she has changed and is not the sweet happy person they knew

Heidi LPC :

Yes... I am on the fence completely on this one! It is 50-50!


 

Heidi LPC :

That she has changed is sad to hear... if she is depressed or something on that line, she could get help for herself...

Customer:

our preacher and the marriage counsler both diagnosed her with depression. she won't get checked because she doesn't want to go on medication

Heidi LPC :

Yes... it sounds as if this may very well be true... and again, the only person you can control is yourself... so as much as you may want to help her and save the marriage, you can only work on yourself.

Heidi LPC :

You will know when you are finished waiting... trust me...


 

Heidi LPC :

You aren't finished yet!


 

Customer:

our kids were always her first priority, now I do all the running for them. she is to busy with her own hobbies and jobs to do the extra things with them

Customer:

no offense but 50-50 isn't real helpful. lol

Customer:

I want answers and nobody has any

Heidi LPC :

Your kids need you now, and so keep them in the forefront of your life. This situation is temporary, one way or another. Remember that. And yes... 50/50 isn't helpful at all!! I know!!


 

Heidi LPC :

:-) All you can control is you; so if you are ok with waiting, keep waiting... that is really the best answer there is! There is always hope!


 

Customer:

since all this started I am much more involved with the kids. and they are my first priority

Heidi LPC :

You will know when there isn't anymore hope, if it gets to that point. Otherwise, if you have the energy, don't give up the ship just yet!


 

Customer:

I know there is always hope, I was hoping for some insite into her pyschology, what woman like her usually end up doing

Customer:

I know there are no gaurentees, but there is a path that most people follow

Heidi LPC :

I will be as honest as I can; the mixed messages make it confusing to know in a forum such as this. If she isn't living with you, going for help together, and has moved forwards with her plans to separate, she seems fairly determined to separate... and is sticking with her plan. Would you agree?

Customer:

yes. but does that separation lead to divorce? I know she will regret all this one day

Customer:

she says she is tired of doing the right thing and what everyone else expects her to do. now she wants to do her thing

Heidi LPC :

However, with that said, it is up to you to either complete her plans or to wait for her to make them permanant. It sounds as if you would regret making that move, and so you are going to be stuck waiting until she decides, or you do.


 

Customer:

how does someone so loving, caring and giving become so selfish?

Heidi LPC :

Although she may regret it, if it ends in divorce, at least you will have done whatever you could to save it. And you will have no regrets.


 

Customer:

our children are already blaming her and they are only 6&3

Customer:

how long do most woman take to decide?

Heidi LPC :

People have all kinds of motivations; and depression could be one for her... she got depressed, looked around for a reason, and the marriage was the first thing she could point to... and whether or not this is the real reason, right now she thinks it was making her unhappy. It would be so wonderful if she was interested in getting help for herself... but the only person you can control is yourself.


 

Heidi LPC :

Separations can last years... months... weeks... there is no pattern...


 

Customer:

is there anything I can do to help get her to give me another chance?? other than what I am doing

Customer:

she says she believes I would do anything for her, she just doesn't trust it

Heidi LPC :

Just keep on being transparent and honest... keep being who you are, and when you feel a need to have a decision, ask for it.


 

Customer:

she was never a stubborn person always willing to give for others, now she is so selfish and stubborn

Heidi LPC :

I can tell; and she has her reasons, which sadly only she really knows. I can feel your confusion, and only you will know when you have had enough.


 

Heidi LPC :

I wish I had a crystal ball to offer you! I have been in limbo before.. and it stinks!!


 

Customer:

when we got married and had children we forfieted "me" for we. I struggled with this and created this mess. now she is all about "me" sadly not only is she hurting me, but our children are suffering the most

Heidi LPC :

You cannot go backwards... only forwards. Look at what you have learned and forgive yourself any errors. Love the kids with your whole heart and soul, and as Nemo said, "just keep swimming"!! ;-)

Customer:

how did you get out? I have read these forums and people are discribeing these feelings and say it has been 2 months and they can't take anymore. it has been 2years for me, honestly I never thought I would make it this far

Customer:

if I quit now I think she would say well your the one who wanted a divorce. but, I'm not the one who took off my ring and walked out on our family.

Heidi LPC :

You get out when the person decided for you or you get tired of waiting and force the hand of the person who is holding you hostage, in a way. You set a boundary; in 6 months, I will be filing for divorce if nothing changes. And then you hold firm to this decision. In some cases, this is the only thing that works, and in retrospect, it is the best thing for everyone. But, don't do this until you are ready to. Otherwise you will forever regret it. You aren't ready yet.


 

Customer:

I think I'm close

Heidi LPC :

Maybe... but not 100% yet...


 

Heidi LPC :

You will be soon!


 

Customer:

I deserve better, our kids deserve better even she deserves better

Customer:

she will regret never trying, atleast i can say i tried

Heidi LPC :

Very true...


 

Heidi LPC :

Exactly!!


 

Customer:

That's all I really want is a chance. if it doesn't work atleast we tried and if it does work we could end up in a great marriage

Customer:

will she give it a chance?

Customer:

I think the longer it goes the less likely she gives us a chance, is that true?

Heidi LPC :

And I agree! You have every right to this! But, there you go again!! ;-) If I only had that crystal ball........ ;-) I certainly hope so... some folks do come to their senses eventually!!

Heidi LPC :

Yes.. I would agree that the longer you are apart and she shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, it may be permanent.


 

Customer:

like I said we have only been separated 2 months. the mess has been going on for 2 years.

Customer:

what is a resonable amount of time for a separation? I have read 6 months to 1 year

Customer:

I don't want to be hasty and pull the plug to soon. I also don't want to wait forever

Heidi LPC :

Yes... and being physically apart will either make the heart grow fonder, or solidify the need to be apart. Six months to a year is a reasonable amount of time to use as a guideline for when to make the decision. Yet, some couples were 'separated' in the same house for years... and so it can be tricky... and this is why you have to trust that you will know when you know!! When you can honestly say that you are tired and ready to move forwards.


 

Heidi LPC :

For now, just focus on you and distract yourself anyway that helps. You WILL know what to do soon... :-)


 

Customer:

I feel I am ready to move on, Then we are around each other and laughing and I end up confused again

Heidi LPC :

You will soon be ready to ask her... and once you do, the ball will start rolling!

Customer:

sadly as of right now I already know her answer

Customer:

if she actually answers

Heidi LPC :

Well, when you are ready to hear it, go ahead and ask...


 

Customer:

usually when I ask anything about us she doesn't respond at all

Customer:

her parents told me if I ask, that I am pushing her into a quick divorce, and that I should give her more time

Heidi LPC :

And that gives you some valuable information about her... and living with, or trying to have a relationship, with someone who doesn't communicate clearly or honestly is a tough thing to do. But again, don't do anything you will later regret.


 

Customer:

it has been 2 years how is that pushing her into a quick divorce?

Heidi LPC :

You have only been separated for 2 months... can you wait 6 months?


 

Heidi LPC :

I am just giving a number... one that seems reasonable...


 

Customer:

we have communication problems (both of us) if we are to reconcile this would have to change

Heidi LPC :

Certainly...


 

Customer:

I think I can wait 6 months, I am just very lonely and depressed

Customer:

I need affection

Customer:

I haven't kissed my wife since dec. 2010

Customer:

or anyone else for that matter

Heidi LPC :

And it takes two to fix it... and if she isn't willing, you have every right to move on. And, yes... that is why I mentioned seeing others... it may point out that the relationship wasn't right for either of you.


 

Heidi LPC :

I can totally empathize, and you have the right to feel sad and to grieve this loss. And when you are completely ready, you will have no choice but to move forwards.


 

Customer:

I am pretty religous and so is she. from a biblical stand point divorce is not an option neither is dating others. It goes against your marriage and it is not fair to the new person who may develop feelings for you when you are emotionally unavaiable

Customer:

of course most of what she has done for 2 years goes against the bible

Customer:

she can't sit through a church service without having an emotional breakdown

Heidi LPC :

Yes, but sometimes you have to look beyond the trees to see the entire forest. If you have been living apart and growing apart, the next natural step is to move apart and forwards with more suitable relationships. You may end up there, and if you do it as you have so far, slowly and thoughtfully, you will know you did the best you could. I wish I could solve it here for you, and I will be happy to chat again soon; However, all the time we have spent here must close for the moment, as I must now go offline! I know that you will find the answer you are looking for soon... trust the process and yourself. Keep working to learn as much about yourself as you can, and love those kids. And, let me know how it ends up! You can reaccess this question again in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen, or type a new question with "to Heidi LPC" at the start and it will get to me...


 

Heidi LPC :

You will be ready to move forwards soon... trust me... it will work out just as it should! :-)


 

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 238
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC
Mental Health Professional
238 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Professional Counselor