Thanks for the chance to try again to help you in this situation. You've had such a traumatic history, and I'm glad you've provided this additional information, because it does shed some more light as to what's going on with you now. Don't worry - you're not overwhelming me with anything, but I can imagine how overwhelmed you are feeling by all of this. I am going to try to help you to the best of my ability on a site like this, but please keep in mind that it's not a replacement for in-person treatment/counseling, and that may be what's required.
That being said, I'm not sure if you are at work right now, but it sounds like you're feeling very stressed and frantic just from having to recall all of this painful information and write it down here, so I would suggest trying to slow down a bit and taking a few deep breaths. It sounds basic, but breathing slowly is important because when we feel stressed, we take shallow breaths and it can increase feelings of anxiety. I want to reassure you that I do understand and empathize with what you are sharing here and I can follow you perfectly. I do understand that you don't like to talk to people face to face due to the fear of being judged and that it makes you feel more nervous and anxious - and especially if you come from a family background where it was not acceptable to share your emotions openly. It is often easier to talk about things, especially very painful experiences, with a total stranger on a website like this than it is to talk to the people we're closest to. I want to let you know that what suggested earlier - that you try to take some time for yourself - is very important. But even more important is taking good care of yourself, and I feel that this is something you've been doing so well on your own, from such an early age, but it's catching up with you. There is only so much one person can handle on their own, and you've had much more than most people have had to deal with. You've been very strong throughout all of this. But there is no shame in asking for help. The first step, you've already done, you've reached out to Just Answer and have asked for help today, so you're on the right path.
Writing in your journal is something you might want to continue to do - I do not know if you are currently writing or if this is something you've done in the past, but you need to have an outlet for your emotions and your past experiences. I realize how painful it can be and how difficult it can be for you to talk to others about this, and believe me, I do appreciate this.
Part of what is going on is that you are like a pressure cooker. You have kept so many things suppressed for so long without really dealing with them - because you couldn't, and because you had to survive. You couldn't allow yourself to fall apart and feel the pain of all of the experiences you've undergone - because you had to live your life and make sure you could support yourself, because there wasn't anyone else there to help you. I give you a lot of credit for coming this far. But as I'm sure you know, suppressed emotions can only stay under the surface for so long. They are eventually going to find their way out - one way or the other. If you don't deal with them in a healthy way, they can manifest in other ways (some people develop unhealthy habits or addictions in an attempt to avoid what's happening, some people throw themselves into work or exercise, etc.) And I think this is all coming up now for you for a reason. Your feelings need to be dealt with. As much as you've tried (successfully, for the most part, I might add
) to handle this on your own, I really do have to say that in light of all of the symptoms and emotions and experiences you've shared, the best option would be to seek counseling in person. Before you think that I might be trying to blow you off by just saying, go see a counselor, I want you to understand that I am saying this because I believe it is in your best interest. I am more than happy to talk to you about this here, but I don't believe it would provide the same healing experience that in-person therapy can provide. It's important that you make this time for yourself. You deserve to heal from all of the pain and trauma from your past, so you can move on and live a happier life - and be the best parent you can be. You're feeling hopeless and helpless and scattered because your brain can't process all of this (stress, anxiety, etc) plus the fact that you might be still suffering from depression. I can't say for sure if it's because of the abortion, the poor experience you had with your therapist from when you were younger, or other factors, (and I can't give you a diagnosis on a website without seeing you in person), but you may even be dealing with PTSD due to all of the trauma you mentioned. (You're probably already familiar with the symptoms, but just in case, you might want to review this information: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/what-are-the-symptoms-of-ptsd.shtml)
That being said, I would urge you to consider seeing a therapist in person. Even if you feel nervous, realize that a good therapist is not going to judge you. A good therapist is going to be compassionate and understanding and nonjudgmental. They can help you - at your own pace - process all of the painful events that have occurred. But it's also not something that you need to relive over and over again, either. You don't have to live in the past or let the past affect you in this way. A good therapist can help you process your feelings and experiences so they no longer have such a hold on you, as well as help you develop better coping mechanisms to help you with your day-to-day life right now.I would suggest that you think about seeing a therapist who practices psychodynamic
psychotherapy. You can find a therapist in your area on this website (search for psychodynamic therapy where it says type of therapy):
I do believe this will be the most beneficial form of treatment to you in the short term and the long term. It is so important to have social support, not only to help you recover from the past, but to feel connected to others so you can also feel connected to the world around you and live a happier, less-stressed life.
I do hope this helps you, but please let me know if you want to talk about it some more here. Best wishes to you.