we've had rain all of June so far, bar a couple of sunny days, and today is the summer solstice! Can I come and visit you? :) We are hoping for a sunny July at least, otherwise the summer will be a washout. It's really autumnal today. Brrr. Your kids break up early, Poppy still has 3 weeks to go.
My talk with Deb was longer than I could cope with, but she likes to talk! She told me she saw D at the dance on Saturday and was shocked at how much weight he'd lost. Poppy commented on it as well tonight, D said too much stress
. Deb also said she'd talked to Cathy at the dance, and Cathy had told her that she felt sorry for D. I know she cares about him, and her kids like him a lot (sometimes I think more than my kids do), but I was thrown a bit.
I had a particularly mute session with Adele, I felt I was very closed up and anxious as I was driving in, maybe I should do something to open me up before my sessions. I had emailed her a long mail, some journalings, and about Sam and D and the cannabis use that we have been talking about. She talked to me for a while, her observations on what I had written, and that she had had a call from a recovery coordinator who Adele had put me on a waiting list with when we were in early sessions. She felt I needed more support than she could provide, from other agencies, then she could concentrate more on the emotional and feeling side of things. She said she was glad to have had the call from her, bc then I could get support for the drug side of things as well. The coordinator seems to have had access to Adele's notes on me, so that will be one stumbling block out of the way. Adele is giving her my email address.
She talked to me about my feelings of guilt and selfishness with regard to my parents and D, and tried to persuade me that the way they behave is unhealthy, and I should be allowed to be my own person.
I tried to tell Adele something, but struggled and stuck. She asked me to tell her where I felt the words were being caught up, I said in my chest. She had me close my eyes and tell her what it was that was stopping the words coming out- I said a fine wire- mesh net, she asked me what was holding the net down, I said it was tied at each corner. Then she said she could see lots of words stuck in the net trying to push through. Yes, I saw that. But I don't know what happened next.
She kept me a long time over, more than another half hour. I forget what we talked about (or she talked, I was just anxious)- Oh we did some tai chi type movements after I got stuck to release the tension in my chest and throat, and deep breathing, circular things (memory!!)
And she asked me what I have been taking away from our sessions, how did I feel they were impacting, helping me. I tried and tried to say stuff, but my head was empty, empty. I have emailed her bc I just felt so useless that I couldn't tell her anything about what I had gained. But she gave me a big hug at the end and told me I was doing very well, I wish it really felt like that.
Once home, D came home via the pub, his usual foolish in-my-face self. I was able to say to myself that I was doing the right thing, he has to get a grip himself, and I am not being selfish, nor should I feel guilty. And I’m doing it for the kids, they won’t feel the need to tell him to F off because he’s being an a**ehole- I feel bad that they speak to him in this way, without respect, but he deserves none. What a load of tripe he was talking, I left the room, but he followed me, banged on the door when I went outside! (I forget what it was about, but he wanted to be heard as usual, and right). Then he got a call to say there was rehearsal tonight, I know he wasn't expecting that, he wouldn't have come home via so many pints, but he still took his van out again. Every time the phone rings, or the door knocks late, I think one day it'll be the police again.
Ziggy is phoning me at 11am tomorrow. I think I can’t do it, can’t talk to her, then she will be gone. Oh well, that's tomorrow's worry.
Now I must get some sleep. D has to get up early tomorrow- leave the house at 7.45! He asked me to get him up, cuppa coffee etc. I said you'll have to set yourself an alarm bc I don't need to be up early tomorrow ;) no school for Poppy, and Sam is a late start. I chuckled to myself. We then had a 3 way argument with Sam about setting an alarm for himself (he said he hasn't got one- what about your mobile phone etc....), get himself sorted etc. Bizarre. But NOT my problem :)