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Hello Shay! It's so good to hear from you. I'm glad you posted. I was wondering how you were doing, hoping all was well.I can understand that it is hard to put your feelings into words. You have changed how you think about what happened and how you feel as a result. That can create a huge cognitive shift that takes some getting used to. I'm here if there is anything you want to talk about, concerns or otherwise. I will be heading out for a few hours this morning but I should be back by early afternoon (I hope!). If you post, I will be able to get back to you then.KatePS If you are old, what's that make me? :) :)
It's not that it is so hard to put it into words (although it was difficult to do last week anyway) - I just don't think it was a logically sound thought process. I think I was equating accepting what I need to go through to resolve this whole thing with not being outwardly emotional, not crying, not seeking help or telling peole I am struggling, acting like all is okay. But it's not really the same thing, is it? So I don't know.
In any event, I'm feeling fine this week. Had a session with Linda on Monday and that's my only one this week, which is nice. I continued the "telling" and we got into some intense things. It is interesting to me that some of the seemingly little stuff, which I had not really thought about (meaning, I guess, they weren't a focus of my nightmares) all this time and which I kind of passed over when writing out my story - seem to be really upsetting and significant as I am telling them the Linda. The fact that we are going so slow and she asks questions I think makes me look at everything. And it's weird, because without me saying anything, they seem significant to Linda, too. Monday, at one point she was saying. "that is so bad, shay, that is so bad" and saying she was so sorry. Another day, that would have irritated me a lot. But on Monday it made me feel she cared. That - and I didn't cry, but she did. Again, I felt she understood and cared.
This week is super busy. But it has been productive thus far. I went to praise team practice last night and even volunteered to do a solo part for sunday, which I havent done in a long time. Yesterday was a really good and even keel day. Today I have a bunch of meetings and a lot to get done. P is helping a lot packing up the office and a ton of people have offered their help. There were 6 of us painting my new office Saturday, which made it easier. Well, off to work ....
Shay,I can understand how accepting this situation would be equated with not showing outward emotion. As a child, that is what you were taught. If you didn't show your feelings, you were doing well. It makes sense that this would be logical to you. Part of the process is to see that what you were taught is actually the opposite of what should happen for you. Accepting the situation means allowing yourself to feel and not fighting those emotions. It's saying, "I'm ok if I feel angry about this, or sad about that". Basically, it's letting yourself be human.
It's also normal to repress these feelings because of the intensity of the trauma. Just the act of accepting the trauma itself can be a process.I'm glad to hear that your session with Linda was so productive. I can understand her reasoning with suggesting that you tell your story. She gets the chance to show you the feelings you haven't been able to experience since the attack, almost like an emotional mirror. You tell the story, she reflects the emotions that goes with it. It's natural to repress those feelings and getting back in touch with them can be difficult, as you know. And having Linda do that for you pulls you back to those feelings and lets you connect to them. It also may help trigger other feelings and insights too. It sounds like you are ok with getting back into activities at church again. That's good. And your move is coming along nicely! I'm glad to hear you had so many people helping you with your office. I bet you can't wait to get settled in!Kate
I am sure that Linda is empathetic too. And it was a good sign that you brought it up to talk about this. I think it did mean that you were ready.
You don't need to be upset and cry to accept it. It is more an attitude and an openness than a show of emotion. But emotions can be a sign that you accept it. If you shut your feelings down and show no emotion, that can be a sign that you are not accepting it.
I think you can do this too! And it will be very rewarding when you are done.
See you on the new thread!