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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer Question

Hey Kate............
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Green light, all the way! Talk to you tomorrow.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I am feeling an utter mess today. So sick I can't eat. Overwhelmed, going under. I think I feel this way bc of all my struggling with the cannabis, realisation that D is in with the kids, and how I feel so alone against everyone else.

Kate, yesterday's cutting was not deep seated. To be honest I had no thoughts behind it, I just had a needle and couldn't help myself. If it were now, I would feel differently, now I need to cut. Now I want to curl up in my bed under the covers and not see anyone. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Now I feel bad, bad. I know I'll need to see Sam in a little while, and I don't feel comfortable with him. I am not feeling in control and I am scared. I just want to get away and be alone, for a long time.

I should be seeing my parents for lunch shortly but can't go, can't eat. I've just remembered Kitty is away, so that will be better, but I have to take Poppy to her music theory lesson after school. She still hasn't completed her work. And I feel very anxious.

I should be doing something constructive with my time. I've done some washing, that will have to do. I'm going to phone my parents now.

H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

H Rose,

Going against the drug mentality is not an easy task. People who use tend to have the mindset that it is their business and since they are not harming anyone, then no one should have a say about what they do. And it is harder with Sam because he has seen his father do it all these years and so he may see it as acceptable, even if he does not like Dave's behavior and has been hurt by him. I believe Sam is using drugs as an escape from all the pain he feels from Dave's actions. He may also see it as the one way to connect to Dave which a teenage boy needs regardless of the relationship status.

You do not have to be alone in this situation. You are the one parent that has been there for the kids and has tried to deal with the situation in a healthy way. Sam may not want to listen at first. but that is typical. Kids want to know there are boundaries and that someone cares, even if they fight it.
This can be fought on two fronts. Getting Dave out of the home would help a lot because you remove that reinforcement he gives Sam that drug use is ok. And the other way is dealing with Sam directly. Setting rules, enforcing them and using other resources to intervene. A family intervention might help and getting Sam to go to meetings, maybe even going as a family. Here is a resource that can help:

http://www.drugfree.org/

http://parentingteens.about.com/od/teendruguse/Teen_Drug_Use_and_Abuse.htm

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/teens-and-drugs-what-a-parent-can-do-to-help/all/1/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm

It's not easy with all that is already on your plate. But if you try to take it slowly, you can begin to address it one step at a time.

This is a lot, H Rose. And sometimes when you are faced with so much, your ability to cope is challenged. It's like getting a huge pile of bricks dumped on your head. You don't have a chance to find shelter. But you are doing good things to deal with it. You are talking about this and that is the best thing you can do. Also, try to do some things for yourself today. You could use a break to think things through and regain your strength. Give yourself time to adapt to the situation and think of the way you want to handle Sam's drug use. And get more support. The sites I posted offer help and a way to feel less alone in your struggle. You have me, Adele, and K. We all care. Talk to your friends and if possible, your family (maybe not your mom and dad but your sisters?). The more people who you can get around you the better.

Take a deep breath. Do your best to relax and know that you are doing what you can. You are only human and can only deal with so much. Be good to you. You deserve it.

Kate

PS I am heading out for a few hours but I should be back by early afternoon, just in case you post. Talk to you then!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

I will inwardly digest. Sam saw me in tears this evening and asked me if there was anything specific that was making me so upset. At that time it wasn't him, now isn't the right time to talk to him, just before his last exam and with D in the house.

Hope your morning went well, busy bee

Back in a few (new Q?)

H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm sorry, H Rose. I can understand you wanting the right timing to talk with Sam about the drug use and your concerns.

 

See you on the new thread. Let me know how you are feeling.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I've been emailing my sister Helen in Ghana today, she just popped in a quickie for a progress report, and I told her all about Sam etc. She knows all about it, was heavily drinking and using pot after leaving home (I told you she was rebellious, her twin just drank a lot), so she was very sorry to hear of it, and will be a great voice from experience when I need it. She offered to speak to Sam for me.

I also emailed Adele about stuff, all sorts, that included. I haven't had a chance to do anything for myself today, trying to have some peace right now, but it's too noisy with Poppy in the hall, and I have sorted D's internet out at last (just didn't want to before, but it'll keep him out of my hair). I hoped the nice weather would last so I could walk the dogs somewhere nice, but now it's raining, and really cold.

Moving over....

H Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That's great! I am very glad you reached out. Your sister was quite supportive and her help, if you decide to ask her, will be wonderful. And Adele will help as well.

 

You are never alone!

 

See you other there...

 

Kate

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