I'm sitting in an audiology waiting room waiting for Alexis to have her hearing aids checked. I am falling asleep! I was hoping it was hairdresser day today, but it was cancelled bc she needed her aids seen to. Flashes of coffee and cake by the sea keep coming to me, but I'll have to wait til next week for that. trouble with next week is that I won't be alone to enjoy it bc Alexis's new carer is going to be working with me; I hope she likes coffee and cake and a view of the sea!!
So I'm sitting in the hospital where I have worked for many years. I have the NHS job bulletin in my bag, not much on it, but there are a few RN jobs. I guess I'll have to brave it one day and get back in, just on the bank to start with. They have already accepted me, more than a year ago, just need my Occupational Health paperwork updated. If I don't get back in soon it will be harder for me, all the while I leave it. But I think I'd better leave it til the divorce is through.
I like the hospital environment, the busyness (to a point), the people (usually), the patients. I am a different me when I am at work, I can pretend I have confidence, communicate with ease, smile and be in control. I know a lot of people feel like this when they are in a role, they put a different hat on. It does work, mostly. It just didn't work for me last year, but I wasn't ready for it, I hope I will be one day before I have to forfeit my registration again. I said I would never let it lapse again, all those unpaid hours of ward work, plus the cost of the course and the studying. Part of me doesn't want to have the stress
of going back to work. Part of me wants the value of being a nurse, and part of me worries that I might fall down again. It was a very heavy fall, last time, I was broken for a while. I am ashamed that I wasn't the person they thought I was when they employed me, that I'd been dishonest, told them I was up for the job, but I wasn't at all. Matron said she would have me back on the bank when I was ready. That would be good bc I know the ward and the staff, but it may be too memorable too, the staff will all know I broke, and I will be embarrassed. I know, one step at a time.
Home now. It's been a beautiful day, I like the evening sun. I've sat in the long grass in the field with the 2 dogs, Lola chasing an ever shortening stick until she could find it no longer! Poppy has her bf here. I'm not happy about it bc he was here last night and she didn't get her work done. She has music theory to do for her lesson tomorrow, that I can't make any more excuses for, and I'm seeing K tonight, so I don't know when she'll get it done. I know I need to set a boundary over this, I have tried, but both the kids just walk all over me. Maybe I'm being the opposite of how my mum was, letting them do so much more, not giving them a hard time over things. But I do need rules, there were rules, no-one to stay over on school nights, ask me first, but it's been hard to sustain. I don't feel like causing a rift, I don't want an unhappy Poppy.
I keep forgetting to tell you, the female budgie has been successful in hatching 2 babies at last, she tried all last year after several batches of babies the year before, so this is the first (I think) for 2 years. I clean the box out everyday, so handle them and see them growing and changing daily, which is quite amazing. I'm not sure what their colouring is going to be, they started off just white, but have some colour now. Maybe I'll post a pic one day while they are still finger tame. It won't be long before they won't want to know me, then they'll be gone. We can't replace Poppy's albino budgie who was blind, and just loved to be nuzzling in our hair. He was a big loss to us both.
''I am interested that you used yourself as a child for a role model for how to parent. I see how you thought of it and it makes sense. You didn't want your kids to feel as you did
and be traumatized in the same way. But what is missing is that the cause of what you felt as a child was your parents. They caused you to feel as you did and the struggles you have currently. The absence of blame says that you may see yourself as the sole reason for the problems and not your parents. But if you had been able to have healthy parenting, you would not have suffered with any of these issues. So the problems did not originate with you, they came from your parents.''
I was going to write about your para above, but have drawn a blank just now, too much pressing me for time. I'll come back to it in a while. Supper, baby birds, K. I hope to be back before K, but don't know what Poppy's needs will be.